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Need help with my wife's attitude.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Marigold83, Jul 6, 2015.

  1. Marigold83

    Marigold83 New IL'ite

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    Hi All,


    We are married for almost 5 years now and have a son (3y 6m) and daughter (6 m old). We stay in an own independent house along with my mother in Bangalore. My wife is an house wife.


    About 1.5 years into our marriage, just about the time i had my first baby, my wife started to complaint about my mother about silly things like she keeps enquiring about here family members, she still dominates the kitchen, I have no rights in this house, I am just an unpaid maid etc etc. This used to happen on average once or twice in a month.


    Almost 1 1/2 yrs ago I felt that her complaints got intense. See keeps telling me that she gets suffocated staying in this house. That it is like living hell. Why did you marry me?, I am not happy in this house. I cannot stay with your mom in the same house. You are not keeping me happy. She is ready to abandon me and my son and run to some untraceable place (I think she was trying to see what my reaction will be) etc. etc…. . I think she was trying to make me move to a separate house away from my mother.


    I have tried to convince my wife that my mother is old (she is 65+ yrs) and that you will have to respect her age and take conversations with her lightly and there is nothing wrong in taking orders from here. That she does not have to feel dominated as she is almost as old as her grandmother. Indeed my wife's grandmother and my mother are of same age group.


    My mom contributes equally in all the house activity (cooking etc) along with my wife and in addition is responsible for outside grocery/vegetable shopping.


    Things got really very bad about 3 months ago ( she had 2nd baby 6 month ago). When I was about to get her back to Bangalore from here mother’s house which also coincided with her brother’s marriage.
    I think she was waiting for her brother’s marriage to get over before intensifying the complaining/fight.


    Her complaining has intensified and she keeps telling me that it is unbearable here. She even does not have rights to turn on washing machine on her own, does not get to decide on the menu.etc. She does not have peace of mind here and it goes on.


    Occasionally my mom will ask my wife if baby daughter is drinking breast milk properly, if she is going to toilet regularly, why she looks skinny and not putting weight. Why is the baby crying?, Why is the baby sleeping for such long time. If my elder son is eating on his own or she is feeding here with hand?


    She tells me that these questions from my mom are annoying here and she feels as if she is being quizzed. I feel that It seems like my wife is just finding reasons to complaint about my mother and reasons to move to a new house away from my mother.


    My wife tells me that because of my mother (here mother-in-law), here son (who is 3 1/2 yrs old and in LKG) is no longer listening to her words/commands and is getting spoilt. Some time back when I wanted her to go to work, that time too she told that her son was important to here and was not going to let him get spoilt by my mother by going to work (my wife never worked before and she completed here MCA via distance learning after marriage). I too told here that in many nuclear family where both husband and wife goes to work, they let their 6 month old toddlers with maids. Don’t these parents love their kids?


    All these conversations and complaining happens within the four walls of our bedroom and mainly during the night and my mother is mostly unaware of here my wife’s thoughts/feeling for here.


    All these while (from the beginning), I have been telling my wife that here MIL is old and that just adjust a little with here. That there are many houses where the wife gets torture by their drunk husband & mother-in-law and you are complaining about such petty things.


    My wife seems to be remembering ONLY the bad experiences/conversations which she has with me and my mother and my relatives and never seems to be forgetting them at all even small incidents. I have shown here many tweets/whatsapp messages/quotes where they say to forget the past bad experiences/thoughts and move on in their life for their own good.


    Now a days I just listen to here complaints without opening my mouth and no longer give here suggestions as they dont seem to help but make matters even worst.


    Want members of this forum to help me out. Going to a separate house is out of question. Even visiting a psychiatrist is ruled out as I personally feel that there is nothing wrong with here (there are other family implications too).


    Would want members to justify if the actions of my wife are justified. How is at fault here? Pls help.
     
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  2. kajal1000

    kajal1000 New IL'ite

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    Hi
    I have two suggestions
    1) Listen Listen Listen....go to google, you might find some links on empathic listening. It works wonders especially for women who are stressed out, if someone can listen to them and not give advices.

    2) I particularly noticed that your wife's complaints got more after the birth of second child. Sometimes women go thru sort of depressing phase after child birth. It normally ends in few days but I know in some cases it was in months. Those hormonal changes do so much worse for mental state. That might be impacting her. So, for that, going to gym, taking a walk, yoga...something which will relax her might work.

    She might be looking for a friend...does she have any good friend.
     
  3. Marigold83

    Marigold83 New IL'ite

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    No. She does not have any friends which she can converse with in the neighbourhood.

    But she does talk to her mother almost every day for anywhere between 10-30 minutes on average(STD calls) depending on her schedule.

    Yes. You are right. She has off late many times talked of taking a walk in the night.

    Infact we used to regularly take a walk when she was carrying our first child and also after the delivery first baby. But there was one bitter incident where during the night walk she fought with me (same fight which used to be confirmed to the walls of our room) and she was not ready to enter our house that night. She made a big scene in the middle of the road in front of my son (though the road was empty). I had to literally force here (physically) to get into the house. Since then I kept ignoring here request to take a night walk.
     
  4. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,

    Your post speaks all about your wife's complaints, but haven't told us whether few if not all of her complaints are justified. You may be biased, as the complaints are made against your mother. To me for example, asking questions about your kids, such as" are you feeding them well, why are they skinny" sound judgemental. You need to take a step back at look at the scenario as a third person to see if there is any truth to her complaints. If so, there are other less drastic options than moving out, such as talking to your mom and asking her to go easy on your wife.
     
    pinkgal, priynwada and Denni like this.
  5. Marigold83

    Marigold83 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I totally agree that some of the questions which my mother asks to my wife are "best not asked". I have told my mother on many occasions that don't bother and turn a blind eye towards here DIL and here grand children. And that she had done a good job of raising here children (i.e, me and my siblings) and you don't have to be a nanny any more.

    Though she has reduced from earlier levels, she has not stopped fully.

    I personally felt that even genuine enquires with good intent in mind by my mother were being perceived negatively.

    And I don't feel that these questions/conversations with MIL would make a house wife feel like living in hell.
     
  6. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    So you do agree that there is some truth in what your wife says. Getting beat up by a drunk husband is bad. But that does not make her current life much better.

    Instead of asking her to adjust and live with the constant judgemental questions and criticisms you can do the following things and help her outsmart the criticisms probably without offending your mom especially when/if she is well meaning.

    1. Listen to her problems and validate her concerns. Somebody being sympathetic works wonders in coping with it.

    2. Help her with some stock answers to usually problematic situations. If mil asks why she is using the washing machine, ask her to nonchalantly tell why. Assure your wife that she has all the rights in this world to operate her washing machine. Other ready answers like, "don't worry ma, I am taking care of it" , " baby's doctor advised this.". Blame everything related to baby on doctor. Even use you as an excuse. Let her blame certain things on you. "What can I do, he asked me to do it this way" and you back her up.

    3. Help her get in touch with her school friends, college friends and direct her to more stuff outdoors.

    4. Postpartum or parenting in general is difficult as such without people around you wondering if you are starving your baby. Be kind to her. Tell her that she is doing a wonderful job on her kids etc.

    And importantly start that evening walk or something that is specially yours. Solution for fighting is not drifting apart. It is to try and find solutions in amicable way.
     
    pinkgal, Grihani, afcpreethi and 6 others like this.
  7. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    It's very irritating for a mother to hear unnecessary comments and advise, even if well meaning from ppl who r being judgemental.. Im not as tolerant as your wife, but thankfully my husband is very supportive.. When I get unnecessary advise nowadays I completely ignore it. N I don't even live with my in-laws..
    I can imagine what she might be feeling living like a maid in her own house.. Why don't you have a talk with your mom n atell her to get some rest at this age. It is only fair that she let's you wife manage the house and help only if needed. I'm sure your wife wil also be happier. Y should your wife take orders from your mom? Just cos she is a housewife doesn't mean she should be forced to tolerate everything..
     
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  8. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    I think there are times where your mom is upset with something and the way she may be communicating may not be politically correct. I am sure that your wife may also be upset with something else and may misunderstand the intent of your mom and may be taking it differently.

    I think she should look for work, even part time, that would help her get some "me-time". Also, you can plan some weekends out in a resort or some place, without your mom, so you have some family time together. Restart going out for walk or a drive or a plain ice-cream and let her time to vent.

    Sometimes aged makes people irritable and difficult to deal with. But that is the reality. Tomorrow, we will be in the same situation. So, it is for the younger and the able to treat the elders with respect and understanding their situation.

    Your wife may be trying to live separately from your mom, which i think is childish and not fair.

    You can also tell her to leave you if she is so much distressed. Basically, carrot and stick approach.
     
  9. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    If you mom is in good health you could live separately - ie an apartment close to your house or similar set up.

    It is usually not a good idea to have two women sharing a kitchen/household. If living separately is not an option then you have all three to work out a setup where everyone have decent conditions. Your wife and your mother are on an equal level and they should share the household chores in a way that is fair for both. It can be stressing to hear questions about your children (have you fed them etc) even if these questions are well ment. Discuss with your mom about this.

    Both of the ladies should also get out of the house. It may be a little bit too early for your wife to start working (with the baby still so small) but at least she should go out daily to the playground/park/other activities. And your mother should also get her social activities, visiting friends, relatives, temples, get a hobby.
     
    2 people like this.
  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok answer to these questions..

    1) does your mother provide a little bit of help in "raising" the kids?why am saying this is..
    my MIL just sat and watched iPad all day when I was struggling with the kids.it was not cool:) and what annoyed was she would just ask questions about kids if they r well.sometimes a little bit of emotional and physical help is needed not matter how young one is:) but ur mom does provide cooking and grocery help.is she doing it without lamenting?

    2)ur wife might need a break.she might want to go out for sometime or have a small outing and relax.maybe just u and her.or just her.she being a homemaker and she needs to get permission from mil to go out.ur mil may say " kids r more important.sit back and watch them".it might irritate her:)


    3) ur wife may not always be bad.elders tend to play a victim,be passive aggressive and emotionally manipulative.sons usually cannot stand to see their mothers sad.

    I am not saying ur wife is always right.she IS frustrated.listen to her,understand her.talk to ur mom also alone.ur wife needs some space. She wants independence .make sure she gets it.she is not going to do something wrong.

    Also make sure ur mother is not talking to her like piercing a needle inside a banana.
    she also needs to be taken out wherever she kids.give each other their needs.talk to them separately .come to an amicable decision.

    NO SMOKE WITHOUT FIRE
     
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