I create problem to my hubby

lat13 · Jul 6, 2015

I am so soft. My mil takes that as advantage and treat me as a maid. I hv 2 younger co sisters dey r rude my mil never questions them. She goes to their decision.

I share everything to my hubby all. My mil stamps me for all my independence. Until my 2 co sisters getting married I thought this is my life. I went according but nw. When things happen to them and to me is so bad and lot of difference. The thing which I do and stoped by my mil. is again started by them and my mil keep silent. If I do like them she wil scold me and advice me as a big issue I did.

My problem is?
1. I share everything to him. He questions my mil. She in turn reacts so bad with me she tells not to tell any thing to my hubby. She tells I am teaching him and dividing them but you shd I?
2. Things she said no for me is said yes for my co sister's
3. I asked my mil y r u saying yes for things which u said no to me. She replied in single word dey dn hear my words. In turn if I do it she speaks ill about me to all.
4. My husband gets bad name for speaking for me. Even though we hv right from our side she wil tells to my BIL, FIL wrong was from my side and my husband changed after marriage?
5. My husband tells me to speak but dey r not hearing my words?
6. Even though I respect, hear her words, go according to her she never speak good abt me r take care of me but vice versa for my co sister's?

I dnt knw what I hv to do?

pear · Jul 6, 2015

Dear op

Your problem is not your MIL ,but your attitude.Learn to ignore your MILs reactions and shrug away all her comments.You care and react too much what your mil brands you or her opinion about you.So in order to control you she keeps you in check with her harsh remarks about you & dh (and complaints to fil&bil).Your co-sisters are conveying your MIL that they wont follow her orders and dont care what she makes out of it(your MIL keeps quite to preserve her status).May be with thier entry she resents your changes and is making life more tougher for you to retain her dominance over you. It may take some time for her to accept your attitude change.Instead of asking your dh to do the talking just update him and deal directly with your mil.Dont panic when she makes a scene quit that place and let her release her steam(act unaffected).Do not make changes in you to avoid the drama ,as you set yourself for more such dramas in future.How much do you think she could complain about you to one and all? ..........as your MIL was used to having her way for sometime.......you need to patiently keep your ignoring habit to succeed.

lat13 · Jul 6, 2015

pear said: ↑

Dear opYour problem is not your MIL ,but your attitude.Learn to ignore your MILs reactions and shrug away all her comments.You care and react too much what your mil brands you or her opinion about you.So in order to control you she keeps you in check with her harsh remarks about you & dh (and complaints to fil&bil).Your co-sisters are conveying your MIL that they wont follow her orders and dont care what she makes out of it(your MIL keeps quite to preserve her status).May be with thier entry she resents your changes and is making life more tougher for you to retain her dominance over you. It may take some time for her to accept your attitude change.Instead of asking your dh to do the talking just update him and deal directly with your mil.Dont panic when she makes a scene quit that place and let her release her steam(act unaffected).Do not make changes in you to avoid the drama ,as you set yourself for more such dramas in future.How much do you think she could complain about you to one and all? ..........as your MIL was used to having her way for sometime.......you need to patiently keep your ignoring habit to succeed.
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Hw to change my atitude seriously I am struggling for it for past few months. My husband also picking the same word.? Help me

Dawn · Jul 7, 2015

Lat13 can you please answer this question after thinking.

Say when you are around 60-65 years old, do you want to look back at your life and think of only MIL-SIL problems and how much time you wasted thinking about it,feeling miserable,trying to make a stand and so on??

OR do you want to ignore all this and live life your way (be polite but do not think of them)?

Can you for ONCE just stop thinking about them and think of something else beautiful in your life like a place you want to see, some hobby...anything!!

pear · Jul 7, 2015

1.Why do you need your dh to disagree with your MIL.....deal with her directly and let her do the complaining ....keep your dh updated if necessary.

2. Things which are said no to you are because you asked your MIL and your co-sisters choose not to ask her .

3.Let her talk .....dont bother to win the good DIL title .She may want to retain her domination with you as she has no way of achieving them with your co-sisters.Give her the time to digest the fact that you dont care what she talks about you.(i may be even naughty enough to tell my MIL to not give me any responsibility if she keeps on projecting me as irresponsible ......instead of her expectation for me to run around to get that responsibility title).Your MIL knows how to control you with her titles.

4.Your dh speaking for you wont work ....and project him as a person siding with you.Why do you bother what MIL talks to FIL & BIL ? ....stop being so sensitive to whatever your MIL talks .........make a rule to do the opposite whenever she makes a scene.Your co-sisters deal her directly .......try to learn few tricks from them.

5.If they are not hearing you then ignore them and go about your own business. Dont react to her angry yelling ......remove yourself from that place or calmly stare and dont talk anything in return.Do it few times then she would stop shouting ,but she may bicker about you to others for some more time.After the burst dont ask sorry...and start behaving as if nothing happened.

6.Relieve yourself from the race to earn the "goodness" certification to gain respect for what you are.Avoid yourself controlled with her comments.She had lost her respect to you as she could control your activities to her wishes.You may need to work little harder to gain the respect back.

Post some eg to get further help from our members.

yellowmango · Jul 7, 2015

Op,wonderful advice from Pear.
Also,don't expect all changes to happen in one day.
Win one small battle at one time.
Stop spending so much time with her.
If she comments on something every one is doing ,just say ,everyone is doing this and move away.Don't change because if you do that then she will do something else to control you further.

Don't stay long enough to argue with her.
Keep your husband generally updated.
Your husband is supportive and treasure that support. Keep his support for bigger things .Don't tire him up with your little battles with mil.Deal with them yourself.