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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sanjana14, May 28, 2015.

  1. Sanjana14

    Sanjana14 New IL'ite

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    Hi, I have created a blunder out of my marriage in the past 1.5 years. My hubby is an amazing person with aspiring dreams to grow, very ambitious and focused - in many ways I feel I am very blessed to have him. I am posting this so that I can get a perspective and I definitely want to fix things (separating is not a choice). We had a lot of trust issues from earlier days i.e. before marriage itself. I had a problem with him talking to other girls who were his friends and asked him to stop and slowly cut down, but I would eventually find out that he is still in touch, and explode. My anger was very explosive in the initial days of marriage, ours was a love marriage, and we live alone. Fights every month, and intimacy also lost. He is feeling like he lost his life after he married me, i.e. can't have fun with friends, can't talk peacefully women (colleagues and friends). Routine has also been a great issue for both of us, i was pampered by my family and he lived independently, so we had a lot of work on each others way of living and had fights. Bottomline is, now there is no love in our marriage, we lost all those beauty and the memories we could have built in our first year of marriage. He has clearly even told that there is no way that we can have a baby in future (out of anger) but it is worrying me.

    Our communication became worse, and when things were slowly getting better earlier this year, we had a huge argument, and he said he wants to separate. It has been 2 weeks since we have spoken a word to each other, no contact nothing, and I am in my mothers house. I want him back and this time when I go back, I want to make sure that I have changed and both of us can compromise to make this marriage work. Is this still possible?

    Can I hear from all you ladies out there, have you experienced similar issues, if so, what did you do to make things work and fix your marriage? It will be of great help for me to build my crumbled marriage. I am clueless, and not able to do anything. Please share your experiences.

    I am completely lost.

    Yours truly,

    S
     
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  2. loveangel

    loveangel New IL'ite

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    I think you started feeling insecure or maybe possessive or maybe obsessive. From what you have typed, I think that he's an independent person and you have a hard time accepting that. And my dear, trust is the basis of life. If you start shouting at the other person for petty issues, it's not gonna work out. If at all he wants to reconcile with you, you can try talking to him. Show him that you've changed but it's not gonna happen in a day's time. Trust lost once is really tough to gain back. Please try to figure what he wants from this marriage and if he wants to save the marriage.
     
  3. blackbeauty84

    blackbeauty84 IL Hall of Fame

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    Write what you have written here in a mail and send it to him. Tell him that you are really sorry and work on the relationship.
    He might not accept this initially. Show him that you really mean your words and do anything to win his trust.
     
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  4. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    You sound truly sorry for what happened, and you hold yourself responsbile too. I do not think you have conveyed this to him in the right manner, he probably still feels blamed, doubted and unloved. Write to him and vent out your feelings. Not sure how your husband feels at this point, he may have been really hurt but hope for the best and make all the efforts possible from your side. Good luck.
     
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  5. sarah123

    sarah123 Bronze IL'ite

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    @sanjana14 Hi sanjana14, let me tell you that he married you out of this whole world. So he loves you- that is clear. At times it might be quite irritating and painful, if he talks with some other girls more closely. All the times u shouted or argued reg this was with ur extreme love on him. This is what every girl does initially. If things doesn't workout, u need to deal it in matured way.

    Simple, make friends with the girls whom your husband talks. Rather than he talking with them, u be closer to them. things will settle down for sure, but you need to give it sometime and be patient.
    Irrespective of love or arranged marriage, boys have this thinking like they lost their freedom after marraige. Prove him that's wrong. U might need to give him more space now for sometime , compared to the days before marriage. Just to make it short, think being in his position and act accordingly what would he expect from you. Do not worry.
     
  6. SimpleStraight

    SimpleStraight Silver IL'ite

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    Adding @SGBV, @Laks09, @VanithaSudhir, @PavithraS, @Rihana , @Akanksha1982 So on and so forth...

    God helps who help themselves.
     
  7. PavithraS

    PavithraS Platinum IL'ite

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    @SimpleStraight , again ???? Hare Bagwan, help our OP !

    @Sanjana14 ,

    Let me appreciate you for owning up the responsibility for having created an awkward situation in your marriage life. When you are that honest, believe me you are also courageous to face this and come out with a solution that mends both your hearts. Stop sounding depressed and confused, all you have to do is act fast and clear up the mess.


    Being pampered by parents , you would have received their full attention, support, time, energy etc. ., etc. And it is not a "crime" to expect your life partner to continue pampering you, it is only natural to some extent but when it becomes a serious issue as over possessiveness then comes a bundle of problems..


    Agree with you when you say that you created a blunder. But I do not think it is big enough for warranting a divorce.. Do not worry , you can still fix things straight..:cool2:


    I assume that you are young in age and your husband might not be too old than you.. When you were lovers, only thing that you both would have done is exposing the best side of yourselves alone to each other...

    But believe me dear, there is actually no such thing as perfect. As a married couple, you would have come face to face with the real characteristics of each other.. Some habits/qualities will disturb for sure but you could both figure out how to run your life smoothly without hurting and getting hurt..

    It might take some more time for you to adjust with each other's behaviors, attitude, 1.5 years of marriage is not that old.. It is only good that you had this "fight" at an earlier stage.. But staying at your parents' house for a longer time is not good if you want to patch up things with husband... Certain things we need to face ourselves. And this is one of that kind..

    As others here said, at the earliest, I would suggest that you both meet in person, convey your feelings/apology to your husband, analyze the situation and come up with steps to overcome your shortcomings ,for instance , short temper.. Let your husband also to help with stabilizing the relationship... In your own words, being an ambitious and amazing person he will definitely be mature enough to understand and help you..

    I am sure he would also not want to end the relationship at this short juncture.. But make sure you do not end up like this again.. Once you are back with your husband be true to what you have committed to him..

    Even after you reconcile, in future too ,there might be misunderstandings, difference of opinions, even a big argument leading to unpleasant situation, because there is no perfect way in marriage, trust me that these also add some pep in to your love life.. if you are wise enough to trust each other ,no major harm will be done..

    Please understand that ,Marriage means commitment and taking responsibility all the while respecting each other's individuality and privacy... Marrying a person alone does not make us a sole "owner" of the person and definitely the person is still a separate individual and not just an entity or a property... ...Cheer up and renew the marriage with love and trust ...

    Trust and tact are very important factors for any relationship to be successful, marriage only needs them in big quantity..


    Act fast, go grab the love of your life,

    My wishes to your early reconciliation with husband,

    Regards,

    Pavithra
     
  8. Sanjana14

    Sanjana14 New IL'ite

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    Thank you very much ladies. I feel much better. I am still at my mothers place, hoping things will get better by next week. For now, my fil is dicussing and advised both of us to be patient and give some time for him to cool off. Praying that he will give this another chance.

    Also, my apologies won't mean anything now as he thinks I will never change, he will not take my words in consideration. Only way is through actions, I hope some day he will return as the caring husband he once was.

    Thank you for all your encouraging words, I am taking this time to think to reflect on my own mistakes. Hope to get back soon.

    With lot of thanks,

    S
     
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  9. jaden

    jaden Gold IL'ite

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    one piece of advice,never ever involve family members in your fights.Nor his parents nor yours.Its just a way of making a mountain out of a molehill.I have been there and experienced what you are facing and feeling.Learn to develop patience.If your hubby talks to many girls ,and you dont like this behavior ,slowly very politely tell him this.Also tell him in no way you, not likeing this ,has any bearing of trust.Its just the way you are.
    Also remember op,possesiveness is good but only to an extent,when it goes beyong a point it becomes Control Issue,and no husband will like that.

    And please stop getting jealous abt him talking to his female colleaques,if its still an issue for you try being friends with them.Regarding your anger issues .try doing deep breathing exercises,yoga or even better joing a gym.Learn to remove your frustrations on the treadmill,this not only clears your mind but also makes you fit.Dual Advantage:thumbsup
     
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  10. AnonyMouse

    AnonyMouse Bronze IL'ite

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    I will go a little against the grain here. What OP did was a natural reaction and I really do not see any reason why she needs to feel guilty. Since I don't know what exactly happened, I cannot make a call whether she over-reacted or not but her husband asking for a separation/divorce is definitely an over-reaction to this rather petty issue. What is exactly wrong with asking the husband to change his bahavior a little after marriage? Marriage is not a jail sentence but it does require a little behavior modification from all the parties.
    Given how hectic today's lifestyles are, couples barely get any meaningful time to spend with each other. So, if one spouse decides to fritter away such precious time on other people, then other spouse is justified in being p*ssed off.
    I applaud OP for being mature, but she needs to make sure that she is not unduly going on a guilt trip and also that the husband also realize his mistake.
     
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