Please help my friend!

preethivignesh · May 24, 2015

Hi all,
I am posting this on behalf of my friends and expecting you ladies will help her out. I am not disclosing her name for private reasons.

My friend loved a guy who was living opposite to her house from college days. She then joined an MNC in Hyd and this guy visited her couple of times. I was her roommate then and knew about this guy very well. Against her parent's consent she married the guy. In fact, the guy's family suppported and got them married.

Her first night happened in an uncinstructed room in his home , as they were constructing some rooms on the first floor of the guy's home. There was another room in the same floor which was occupied by the guy's brother who was doing night shift job.Her BiL doen't want to share his room to the newly weds. Just becos of this construction work, they need to sleep in the hall for a month. The guy's parents didn't even bother to give their room to the newly weds. She still accepted all these as this was her decision.

About my friend and her InLaws:
She is a beautiful girl who is working for an MNC. She is very talented and no worries about money. Her husband works as a sales head in a firm and he is the elder guy in his family. He spends his entire salary to his family. They are in a joint family till now (She accepted her DH's decision for spending his money for the family). Her MiL conducts tuition for few students at home and she is earning as well. Her BiL works for MNC but doesn't spend a penny for the family. He is unmarried.

Her FiL is a drunkard person. He speaks all bad words about her(that is a runaway bride and other bad words too) whenever he boozes. She couldn't tolerate all those words. Her hubby never interferes and hasn't supported his wife any time.

Her DH wasn't interested physically after very few months of their marriage. They do not have private life for more than 4 years.

She goes to work and come back home and does cooking, cleaning stuff for the entire family and goes to sleep expecting her DH to spend some time with her. He always avoids coming near to her and comes to sleep very late. By then she would be asleep.

He never takes her out. Either with the whole family she goes out or stays at home.

Only recently her father accepted her marriage(after 5 years) and she was happy for sometime.

Recently when she wore sleeveless salwar, her drunk FiL commented that he couldn't see more skin(he meant very dirty). She couldn't tolerate and rose her hands to slap him and then somehow things got rectified. Her husband hasn't interfered even for this matter. Her MiL ignores all these and says her not to bother abt her husband's words. There isn't anyone to listen to her and she started think why to lead such a relationship.

Her DH doesn't want to speak why is he unhappy about his loved wife and what problem she has got at her end. He doesn't want to stay away from his parents and live a private life with his wife. He said if there is such a situation, he would divorce her and stay alone rather than taking her with him. His parents isn't bothered for them not having a baby. His parents not even trying to find the reason of their fights even though they stay at the same house. My friend isn't sure whether her DH has another relationship or impotent. He click lots of photo with celebrities and other friends and uploads 100's of photo in fb everyday. But there are only very few photos where I could see my friend. He is happy with his outside circle of friends rather than his wife.

He isn't ready for counseling or discussing abt his problems to others. She is okay for testtube baby but he is not ready for that.

Please tell me what should my friend do now. Can she proceed for divorce or speak to him (through her DH's relatives) and give his another chance?

Rohanj · May 24, 2015

Can she proceed for divorce or speak to him (through her DH's relatives) and give his another chance?
Is she ready to give him divorce? Did she tell you herself that she's ready to divorce and can't handle her married life?
About DH's relatives. How are they compared to her in laws? Do they think Rationally? Can they be trusted? Because they are from DH's side.
You didn't mention about her family's stand on this. Except for her father accepting her marriage. Are they not supporting her? What are they doing? Doesn't she tell all these things to her family?

Right from the beginning of her married life, things have been worst. To make her sleep in an unconstructed, unfinished room is an insult to the bride. It is said in Hindu dharma that a DIL is a Lakshmi of the house. It means that they treat their Lakshmi this insulting way. The insult comes from her FIL, who gets drunk every night and starts abusing her. The best insult comes from her DH, who doesn't support her when he should. She's all alone in at house. The guy who should be supporting her is keeping quiet which is adding to her misery. So, leaving the guy becomes the best option for her. But the divorce procedure and after life of Divorce is not great either. Does your friend knows that?
The best will be counselling, which he is not going for.

Is there anybody in common for DH and his wife who can influence his thinking? If there is, find him and tell everything to that person so that the person can add some senses in her DH. And about physical intimacy, may be there is some problem with him. Otherwise why would anybody shy away from it.

preethivignesh · May 24, 2015

Very true @Rohanj. Her father doesnt look like fully supporting to her present situation. When she asked her father to speak for her, he said to go via her DH's relatives first and if its successful, he would pitch in. But I dont see that he would support her/take her to his home. Her mother is sick.so either can't she help. Her younger sister is recently married and her younger brother would not interrupt in her matters. She is literally alone.

She is ready to give divorce and well aware of the post consequences. She could not stay at her father's house after that bcos its opposite to her husband's house. She would avoid seeing him.

She has some trust on her DH's relative. If they couldn't resolve this, she would give divorce and may go onsite and concentrate on her career. Her career is her only hope.

I tried to speak to her DH ( we know each other even b4 their marriage). But he doesnt wish anyone to intrude his privacy and prefer not to talk abt this to anyone. So we don't have much options now.

She doesn't have any kids. Thats her happiness.

Rohanj · May 24, 2015

If there's anything, literally anything that has the potential to change the married life to good, do take it. If she's finding some trustable people in DH's relative, ask her to go and take there help. Do whatever it takes to turn the things around. If that last thing that she does does not yield, then I'm afraid she has to opt for the way that I hesitate to mention. He's parents should be her biggest support in this matter, but it's really heartbreaking that they are playing a kind of second fiddle in supporting. I mean its their daughters life at stake, how can they say anything like we will get into this matter only if DH's relative supports.
My advice is, try and use this way and see the results. If she see's improvement, good otherwise....

guesshoo · May 24, 2015

She could start by accepting onsite assignments. If things with her husband still don't change, she would have to apply for a divorce. She needs to talk to a lawyer to discuss possibilities.

Your friend sounds like a beautiful career woman with prospects who is getting absolutely nothing out of this marriage. I would suggest she cut her losses and leave this guy.

It is absolutely absurd to bring a child into this situation. It is extremely unfair to the child. She should get a bunch of loyal friends behind her who can support her emotionally since her family isnt much support. Then she could start with a trial separation and see where it goes. If she has a child with this fellow, she will be stuck forever...

yellowmango · May 24, 2015

She is okay for testtube [COLOR=#009900 !important]baby but[/COLOR] he is not ready for that.
Click to expand...

That is pretty stupid and irresponsible on her part.

msindu · May 24, 2015

This is why you must not rush into marriages. The person you see are artificial. You are blinded until marriage when you see true nature of the person. You need to research the person. What about her parents will they take her back? It is not safe for single women especially in this society.

AkshayaATM · May 24, 2015

As many others here i would suggest an onsite assignment or try to move to someother place within india blaming the company has moved her.

This can help her in lot of ways.
1.Distancing herself can give her a glimpse of what life after divorce could be. (a little)
2.How well her parents support her?
3.May be missing her might get her husband around?

It seems like nobody except her cares. MIL and FIL not bothered why they don have a child? She is seriously alone in this and she has only herself to figure this out. Having a child is not going to be a good option.
If she feeling so lonely and wants a child even then,She is a working women and with her ill mother i don think she will have anyone to support to bring up a child with her.She will be more screwed.

sarajara · May 24, 2015

Hi preethi,
your friends situation is really pitiful and I feel sorry for her. Currently she doesn't seem to be grounded. Who would want to have a baby with a guy who doesn't care for their privacy.?

She needs to come out of the myths about her DH in her life. So... As another friend here said, let her move away from current location and go to another place accounting her job.

if DH seems to be concerned.. Then things can get better.... Else if it doesn't change,it's a clear indicator for your friend to walk out. From hour words I understand that ur friend loved her DH very much and has lot of hopes thinking that life will be fine one day.

but she needs to face the reality and be confident about self. Ask ur friend to think deeply and make a sensible decision.

My wishes and prayers for her.