Big Fight

victory1 · May 16, 2015

My wife and I had a big fight yesterday.

The main reason - My sis-in-law's parents and my parents live in a different countries. My sis in law will be visiting her parents for 1 month and she is not going to my parents' house. The trip is sponsored by her parents. My inlaws and my parents stay in the same city. Whenever my wife visits, it will be for 2.5 - 3 months so that she can visit her parents and my parents too. All this time when my sis-in-law has visited my parents for a long visit (2-3 months), she goes for 15 days to her parents place and returns to my parents place. Due to expenses involved this time she is visiting just her parents as next year they are planning on going to my parents house.

Now my wife says why she should go to my parents house when my sisterinlaw is not going? I tried to explain that our situation is different and if we were in a similar situation we also would be doing the same. She says she will go for 1 month to her parents house and return. How is that possible when both my parents and her parents stay in the same city? It's not like we are preventing her from going to her parent's place. I feel she's not thinking right. Moreover some elder person in my family(not my parents) passed some comments about my wife's visit to her place. That person's attitude is like that of TV saas if you know what I mean. She now asks me why she does not pass the same comment on my sis-in-law's visit? My mom has told me what that person is saying about my sis-in-law's visit to her parent's place. . I do not share such matter with my wife and similarly if my wife says something I do not share with my mom.

So yesterday my wife asked if my sis-in-law is visiting my parents and I told no as they are planning on going next year. I knew where this was heading and was expecting the above question. Just as expected she asked and I said "don't you visit your parents when you go"? That's it the ball started rolling, one thing led to another and the result was a big fight. My wife says I am taking sides with my sis-in-law. Why should I take her side? It's my brother's family and he decides who should visit when. If my parents or I are being unfair in not letting her visit her parents then yes she is right. But that is not the case here. She is comparing apples to oranges which does not make sense.

All our fights are for such stupid things and honestly this time I am fed up. I have stopped talking to her and I don't care whether she visits or not. Sad part is our kid was witness to this fight. Don't know what is going to happen.

RPVAIL · May 16, 2015

victory1,

If cooler heads prevail this can be solved.

As with anything else in human relations no event stands alone. It is always built on what happened earlier, prejudices and all.

So the argument put forward by your wife is probably based on some earlier 'not so good' experiences. But trying to take a cue from what a sis-in-law does is, in this instance not right. The reason is, if the sis-in-law's visit is short and if her parents and your parents (her PIL) live in two different cities then she has SOME excuse to not visit PIL.

But your wife, if she goes to visit her parents and not make a intra-city trip to see PIL that would be taken as an insult and rightly so!

In a very pleasant way ask her a simple question. If you make a visit to your parents (however short it is) and don't even say hello to her parents, then how would they feel and how would your wife feel?

Other than this, you or she don't need to take into consideration what others (distant relatives ) say about the visits.

butterflyice · May 16, 2015

@victory1,

Welcome to IL!

Your wife is being silly and petty. You are right in that she is comparing apples and oranges.

My guess is that she is pissed off because she sees you as taking sides with SIL. That's her impression. So tell her its not your problem what SIL does, there are some expectations that you have from your wife just she would have from you. Also your parents would want to spend time with their grandchild.

Do you visit/spend time with wife's parents when you are there? If you spend a few days there, she can probably see better sense.

victory1 · May 16, 2015

I go back home not so often and when I go it is a very short visit but I do visit them. I do not stay for days there as most of the times it will be some function or the other, But one whole day I stay there. The problem here is my sisinlaw's visit to her parents. I explained to her that if our parents lived in different countries then we too would be doing something similar. She thinks my sis-in-law parents are rich and that's why we are okay with her doing whatever she likes. She says I am after money and that's why I side her. What has their money got to do with me? There is something seriously wrong with this woman.

Laks09 · May 16, 2015

If my DH/PILs tell me the following -
1) we are letting you stay with your parents.
2) I stay a whole day at your parents place so you should spend this much time with my parents.

My answers are going to be the following -
1) I don't need your permission to spend time with my parents. I am an adult perfectly capable of deciding for myself.

2) If spending a day at my parents place in the SAME city(assuming a ten day vacation) is considered so appropriate as per your decision, why can't I decide how much time I spend at my parents place?

If you want to win this argument I suggest you take the following steps -
1) instead of permitting her to go to her parents place, why not let her arrive and depart from there and let her plan her itinerary.

2) You can definitely do more than a day with your PILs. Some function or the other cannot be an excuse. Where there is need there is a way. Why should she spend time at your parents place if her parents are not given the same priority by you?

justanothergirl · May 16, 2015

With all due respect most men cannot afford a 3 month vacation. If he did the wife can no longer go on such international trips. So expecting OP to spend the same number of days in PIls house as the wife does just isnt feasible.

If I had a husband who was a stay at home dad and I was working to keep the food on the table then it is a part of the deal that in the absence of issues with inlaws my husband makes sure that kids spends as much time with both sets of grandparents.
If I hear too much khit khit my mothers house ur mothers house I will quit and he can figure out the finances.
Simple. Some messages have to be sent home the hard way.

GoneGirl · May 16, 2015

Hi op,

If you stay 1/10 days in your in laws place then ideally she should spend at least 9/90 days in your place.. Is she not doing that?

peartree · May 16, 2015

victory1 said: ↑

My wife and I had a big fight yesterday.

It's not like we are preventing her from going to her parent's place. I feel she's not thinking right. Moreover some elder person in my family(not my parents) passed some comments about my wife's visit to her place.

If my parents or I are being unfair in not letting her visit her parents then yes she is right.

All our fights are for such stupid things and honestly this time I am fed up. I have stopped talking to her and I don't care whether she visits or not. Sad part is our kid was witness to this fight. Don't know what is going to happen.
Click to expand...

I actually wanted to point out these sentences in your post to edit to change it to something like "she's free to stay with her parents" or something like that, because I knew you would be called out on it, even if you did not mean it in the way of giving her permission or something like that!!

First of all, is this fight about an India trip that is in the offing or is the fight about an India trip that might happen something in the future? If it is the latter, the fighting is pretty pointless, IMO. If I were you, I would just give her a look of incredulity and walk away.

I think the way you should deal with this is to just let your wife do what she wants to do. But make it clear to her that she needs to probably leave your kid for a little bit by himself/herself with the grandparents if she is not interested in going to your parents place. If your parents ask why she is not coming, just tell them that she does not want to and leave it at that. If they complain about it, tell them that you agree and let it be. You neither have to defend her or berate her to them.

In my situation too, it ends up that I spend more time with my in-laws than my husband does with my parents. This is because the kids are with me most of the times and it's not so much that my in-laws want to spend time with me, as they do with the kids. So it just happens that I am the one that has to shuttle between my home and husband's home back in India.

As for you going to your wife's parents' house, don't stop going just because you want to get back at your wife. It is immature and cheap.

victory1 · May 16, 2015

As the previous poster pointed, we are NOT THE ONES TO DECIDE HOW LONG TO STAY AT HER PARENTS PLACE. SHE DECIDES HOW LONG TO STAY. If she does not like to visit, now I really DO NOT CARE but why should my parents be deprived of the time with their grandkids? I do not have the luxury of going for 3 months vacation and as one other poster suggested, how would it be if were to go to my parents place with her being here and not visit my in laws?

She visited recently and this whole argument is about my sisinlaw's visit and this woman feels she is getting superior privileges.

How would you ladies feel if your spouse goes home and does not visit your parents when they both stay in the same place?

If this is about counting says and giving ratios then there are other calculations that can be brought into marriage and nobody would like marriage to be a business.