What should I do? How should I react?!

shruti1487 · May 4, 2015

I am facing a hard time.,.a real hard time...and I don't know what to do. I know you ladies know the history, but what happened today, I'm so shocked and I have no idea what to do and how to react? I had earlier though time will heal things, but this time I think it will only worsen things and make my life hell.

Today we invited our neighbours (the are white Canadian) for lunch and the drinking started from 1 pm till 9pm..,after they left my husband came to me and I was pretty upset coz he did too much drinking, so I thought to talk to him...I know my bad, but sometimes I can't control myself too...he got pretty mad and then started saying that from his heart he regrets marrying me...he said my face resembles my mother and whatever I do reminds him of her..on the top he said that when I misbehave with him, doesn't listen to him...he is reminded of the insult and abuse my mother did to him..he started abusing me...and then said he loves me but said he hates the fact that I'm his wife...he said my only worth was to give birth to his son and if we dad no child, he would have left me...

Then he started abusing my parents..and my brother...saying that I secretly talks to my parents (I don't talk with them at all) and that I love my mother a lot and I love my brother coz I once said that I'm too close to my brother...

He repeatedly said that he hates my face as it resembles my mother and that I'm like my mother who will discard her son...then he started abusing my father saying that he is an hypocrite who used to call when he was in Canada and as soon as he left for I do a, he never asked or showed any concern about our son..they may ask stuff from my sister and brother but...if they would have cared about .is, they would have atleat my father would have dropped a message...

He was overly drunk and said that he wants to beat me and finish everything off...he said he is only controlling himself coz of our son..he wasn't like that before and after this second episode with my parents..he is more hurt from within his heart..trust me he was super happy when my parents visited us but my mother ruined his happiness and dreams..he is upset coz my mother didn't let us enjoy the birth of our first baby...

I l ow everything that is within his heart and I don't know what to do? I've tried speaking with him and that brings more loud arguments..everyday it's a struggle for me and anything I do...I mean like anything..,he compares it to my parents...I want him to see the doctor but he doesn't want to at all...I mean like he thinks crazy people needs psychiatrist....I brought up this issue and we had a very long fight coz he thinks he is fine and mentally healthy...I really don't know what to do? My brother is coming next week..now that I know my husband hates him too much (there was an episode with him too about two years ago and he was the one who booked my parents to the hotel)..I don't know what to do...he is coming with his friend who is close to my husband...

I have no idea who to handle or reducer husband hatred towards my parents and my face and my actions...he thinks I'm more committed to them than my husband and son...pls pls pls help...

butterflyice · May 4, 2015

Dear dear @shruti1487,

Should you heed the words of a drunk? Perhaps this is his way of seeking counselling?
Let it go, he needed to get all of it out of his system. I would suggest you not confront him when he is sober on this. Its only going to worsen things.

Why should you let your marriage suffer due to interference from a third party? If your brother and DH do not get along, is it necessary that he visit you now? Think about it, maybe you can ask him to visit you once you are more in control of the situation?

It saddens me to hear that your mom is out of this situation a few months back, yet you two continue fighting with each other over this. Make your peace, decide who is more important right now. IMO, its your DH and the little baby.

Rihana · May 4, 2015

Shruti,

Very sorry to read the latest post. Each person is hurting in their own way, and probably taking it out on the one they love the most.

Drop the psychiatrist idea. Even for smaller issues, people don't like to be told they might need to see a psychiatrist. Here, the matter is by itself complex and involves a 2 months old baby. Bring up such an idea only if you think the other person is very likely to agree. If not, he won't agree, and instead gets even more mad.

You say "my brother is coming next week" as if that is an independent event. Why is he coming when things are already so dicey? Even if he is visiting the city for other work, no need for him to visit you and add to the confusion. Try to have him not visit your home.

If your brother does have to visit, this is what I would do - get him to agree and acknowledge in front of your husband that your parents were indeed very much out of line.

I'll be very frank here - if I had a 2 month old baby, and things are like this, I would tell my visiting brother to simply do whatever it takes to assuage my husband's hurt feelings a bit. I would do the same for my sibling - if certain words or action from me can bring some peace in his/her troubled married life, I will do it no questions asked, and put my pride aside temporarily too.

I totally agree with butterflyice that let it go, and no need to confront him later about what he said. Happens. There are things that get said that are best never brought up. It will take superhuman strength for you to not bring it up, but, over time, husband will be aware of your not bringing it up. Key is to not bring it up at all - you cannot bring it up a 'little bit'.

Shruti, hang in there. When things are like this, it can only get better. People can say the horriblest things when angry, drunk etc. At a calmer time, both the one who said it and the recipient will wonder how the hell did things reach that level!

Are you in touch by PM with any members here? Sometimes that helps. Send a PM when you simply can't control yourself, such as today when your DH drank too much.

shruti1487 · May 4, 2015

Thank you ladies. My brother is coming next week with his friend...my husband actually invited his friend to visit us (they get along pretty well) and he asked my brother to join us....my brother who has recently moved to the same province agreed..

Anyways how can I know that my husband will overcome his feelings..trust me I don't even talk anything about my parents but he always does that. He knows I don't like to talk about them and so he brings it up and asks me why I feel bad if he brings up my family...,I had never thought my parents actions would have so much impact on his mind..from the day we were engaged, I was always compared with my co-sis and my parents were compared to her parents...my in laws have a completely different mentality than my parents. My mother knew this but she was so eager to get me married, she accepted everything...I know she wants to control us..like she does for my sister,..sometimes I feel so jealous of my sister who has a perfect husband,...they never fight, there is no blame game....

resmij · May 4, 2015

Dear Sruthy,

sorry to hear about this.

but , speak with ur husband, seek a counseling

and is it possible to avoid drinking situations, .?

May be your husband also hurt , due to some past experiences from his parent in laws,

give little time to healing

but seek a counseling as a couple,

regards, resmij

sunshine1970 · May 4, 2015

I think your DH is really hurt by the actions of your family and now it is time to really focus in on your family. I think it's best if you shower a lot of love on your DH ignore his words, and try not to talk about your parents. What your parents did to you guys its pretty bad, imagine if that was his parents and they did that, how hurt you would be. Really try to focus in on the three of you and leave everything else out. You should be enjoying your baby and your time off. I feel really bad for you , try exercising to get good endorphins going so that you can combat the stress around you.

yellowmango · May 4, 2015

Op...your husband is like the dil who feels wronged and cannot forget it.He keeps asking you because he wants you to take a stand and agree to his accusations that they were wrong.....just like wronged dil's just want the husband's acceptance of the wrong by his family.

He feels like the dil who doesn't get along with in laws....but has to accept them in her home and take care of them.

As for the outburst....staying silent would be a better than taking him on.silence is more likely to make him feel guilty.If he wants to talk...tell him you are deeply hurt....but don't drag it. As long as he said,he loves you.....it is fine.I hope it is just a one off outburst and has reduced some of the pressure that is pent up inside. It should not happen again though.

If he wants to talk about your parents...either hear him out ....or tell him ,you want to concentrate on him and the baby.

Do talk to the doctor about postpartum depression on your next visit .There is no harm.....At least on of you should be emotionally on a strong ground.

Best Wishes op...hang in there.This too shall pass.