Need suggestions please!!

aammi105 · May 4, 2015

I have a strange problem with my hubby. He doesn't express feelings. normal things like hugging, sitting together once in while kissing or talking some affectionate words nothing!!..now you guys must be thinking it is his personality..actually not!!..he used to do all those things in the beginning of our marriage. I have talked to him so many times regarding this..but he says "you can't ask for it..it has to come naturally"!!. We have sex once in a blue moon. once in 6 months or 4 months.that is also once I ask for it. every time i have to ask for it.and I am very sure he is not GAY. I ask for it so that our relationship might improve and he might get affectionate towards me. He sleeps separately in another bedroom and says he needs his space he doesn't like touching. He is very much aware of situation but not ready to accept it. The only reason I can think of his behavior is that I am not very close with his mom and sister. I talk only as much it needed. And I keep distance with them since I have some differences with them. I am very attractive and I don't know why he is like that.. I am worried now I have a son and he might think this is normal married life it might effect his future wife. My son likes us to sit together and he expresses it too..Any suggestions for my problem guys???

msindu · May 4, 2015

aammi105 said: ↑

I have a strange problem with my hubby. He doesn't express feelings. normal things like hugging, sitting together once in while kissing or talking some affectionate words nothing!!..now you guys must be thinking it is his personality..actually not!!..he used to do all those things in the beginning of our marriage. I have talked to him so many times regarding this..but he says "you can't ask for it..it has to come naturally"!!. We have sex once in a blue moon. once in 6 months or 4 months.that is also once I ask for it. every time i have to ask for it.and I am very sure he is not GAY. I ask for it so that our relationship might improve and he might get affectionate towards me. He sleeps separately in another bedroom and says he needs his space he doesn't like touching. He is very much aware of situation but not ready to accept it. The only reason I can think of his behavior is that I am not very close with his mom and sister. I talk only as much it needed. And I keep distance with them since I have some differences with them. I am very attractive and I don't know why he is like that.. I am worried now I have a son and he might think this is normal married life it might effect his future wife. My son likes us to sit together and he expresses it too..Any suggestions for my problem guys???
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He might be one of those people who likes to be alone. My grandmother is also like this, if someone just sits on her bed she washes the blanket as soon as possible.

You are the wife you should know what attracts him.

KashmirFlower · May 4, 2015

Hi OP,

Do you both talk all normal things in your house? Is he likes to play/spend time with your son? Do you u both watch TV/browse internet together? Does he stays at home after work? Or he has lot of friends and goes with them outside often? May be he likes to spend time with friends just like a bachelor.

6 months once intimacy is too much gap. Is it like this after your son was born? Is your son also sleeps in the same room as you sleep?

Or may be ur guess is correct, he thinks, u r not spending time with my mom, so I don't spend time with you. :bang

peet1983 · May 4, 2015

hey,

There can be a possible reason for some one behave like this purposefully. As you suspect,he may want you to keep connections between his mom and sister. You needs to discuss openly whats blocking him. You need very little time to get the hints whats the prblm is once you start talking about the matter.

aammi105 · May 4, 2015

KashmirFlower said: ↑

Hi OP,

Do you both talk all normal things in your house? Is he likes to play/spend time with your son? Do you u both watch TV/browse internet together? Does he stays at home after work? Or he has lot of friends and goes with them outside often? May be he likes to spend time with friends just like a bachelor.

6 months once intimacy is too much gap. Is it like this after your son was born? Is your son also sleeps in the same room as you sleep?

Or may be ur guess is correct, he thinks, u r not spending time with my mom, so I don't spend time with you. :bang
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Yes other things he does good..he is a very good father. he likes going to other peoples home and calling other people. He doesn't browse internet ot watch tv with me. he talks very limited whatever needed. Only thing is problem with me. He doesn't care much for me..and as u told it can be true he might be thinking you are not close with my mom let me also be like that with you. But I have strong reasons for not being close with her. he knows that also very clearly. How can I convince him to keep the things separately about me and his mom & his sister?. what is the solution??.

dimhere · May 4, 2015

How is his behavior otherwise? Does he joke with your son? Do you go out generally - like buying groceries, temples or other usual places? If he is happy during all such things, then during such times, may be you can start the topic of keeping things separate with mom and you...

If he is indeed angry because you do not get along with him mom, then it is a very difficult situation to solve. He wanted his wife and mother to be happy with each other, he didn't get that, so he holds YOU responsible. How is he towards his mother? Does he hold HER responsible too, atleast a bit??

aammi105 · May 4, 2015

dimhere said: ↑

How is his behavior otherwise? Does he joke with your son? Do you go out generally - like buying groceries, temples or other usual places? If he is happy during all such things, then during such times, may be you can start the topic of keeping things separate with mom and you...

If he is indeed angry because you do not get along with him mom, then it is a very difficult situation to solve. He wanted his wife and mother to be happy with each other, he didn't get that, so he holds YOU responsible. How is he towards his mother? Does he hold HER responsible too, atleast a bit??
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Mostly yes..he knows all their behavior. He wanted me to listen to them all the crap they talk and take all jealousy they show still I have to behave them as a good daughter in law. And I still talk very normally but limited conversation. For me to talk with love I need to feel love. It is not possible with them. so he senses it and I think that bounces on me. How do I convince him to keep it separately?

yellowmango · May 5, 2015

I think mother sister issue is just a convenient excuse of some other issue.
Abstaining from sex for 4-6 months because wife doesn't talk to mother sister just doesn't seem normal behavior.Not sleeping in the same room ...not wanting to be touched.

I could get it if there was major fights happening ...or if they stayed together and there was constant friction.....

vaidehi71 · May 5, 2015

Hi,
I am not entirely sure that the friction bet u and ur in laws are the cause of this problem. To abstain from everything in personal life just bec of in laws is not striking right for me. Something else is bothering him. U need to sit and discuss with him and do not argue which will not yield results. How long have you been married?

catwalk · May 5, 2015

yellowmango said: ↑

I think mother sister issue is just a convenient excuse of some other issue.
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I share the same thought. Your relationship with with his Mother / Sister has no connection with his current behavior. He is projecting it as a convenient excuse.

He might have born and brought up in a nuclear family and had a lonely life at his home. Later it has become his comfort zone. He maintain his own space. On the other hand, OP seem to be very adjusting type too.

lack of intimacy/ interest is very common these days. You are not alone. Pace of life has changed and our physical/mental state is having hard time coping with that pace. Our previous generations say 50's as middle age. But these days couples reach their ''middle age'' in their thirties itself.

If OP is not comfortable with this lifestyle, you will have to take some initiative to change his habits. Put some pressure. You have to be be more demanding too. As OP said, this type of behavior is not good for the molding of your son. Better interaction between parents is a must to build up good character in children.

Consulting with a clinical psychologist may help to improve the situation.