My hubbies behavior...

Shivani,

You may not agree with me...But, you are missing what your DH is trying to convey to you. Life in abroad is NOT easy. As he says, lot of house work involved and he is desperate to settle soon in life.

He sees you as someone with childish behavior and not serious enough in life. 2-income is a must, in his view. Any way, you are looking for romance and you two are way off-beat at present.

 

Dear OP

Your hubby seems to have some really different expectations than what u r, and he comparing u with his friends spouses.

U have a baby and it's not that u r newly wed. So he is thinking more abt finances.

why r u in india still. Come.back and start applying for jobs.

And tell him its good he is cooking coz tomorrow after u get job he anyhow have to do cooking. As in evening u have to take care of the baby

Start talking positive to him abt job, show the interest and confidence. Ask him to submit ur resume in his company.
Just keep talking to him even if it's abt job.

 

Dear OP,
frankly speaking your life is much better than compared to others. He is more concerned about the baby's future. Maybe he wants to construct a dream house. So once you start working, everything will fall into place.
You have a baby and a husband who wants you to work. Trust me, working is much better than being at home and arguing with him all day.
Am still trying for a baby for 3 years, H does not want me to work, he has a unstable job and wants to be with his parents.
Finish off your course, find a job in US and live happily with him.

 

OP,

IMO, staying away from each other increases problems. The best way you can deal with this is finishing your course, going back to US, and getting a job, unless you prefer being a SAHM. In that case, communicate your wishes to your husband.

 

Op, I may differ from other ladies here. But I feel your hubby is a bully and cornering you to take up a job as a requirement for marriage with him.I see the progression here , you go back and get a job and pay check comes hubby dear will take hold of it and plan things. Meaning you don't know how it is in US and he knows better.You will end up being a maid at home and an ATM. Get a hold on yourself, plan from here itself. WHen taking up a job make your own arrangements what happens to money. Be firm. Your baby is small and I have a feeling you will end up keeping him in India for better future. That might be your hubby's words.Think. Good LUck.

 

Hi,
finish your course and be with your hubby ASAP. Long distance relationships are quite hard and frequently lead to misunderstandings. Be patient, u will alright once you go to US. Be calm and try to find a job which will set things right in place for you and your family.

 

hi

All r giving u fine and correct advice. I am in US and i want to work but i cannot coz of my visa. Your husband just wants u to share the resposnibility with him. there is nothing wrong or over expecting in it. He wants to have a decent and good standard of living and a settled life. He is planing for his, urs and baby's future. Now a days in India also, husband wants their wives to work to be independent and work for their future. There is nothing better than making ur studies worth it.
Everything will be fine once u will be back in US and share responsibilities with him.

chill and complete ur course and go back soon. try n think from his point also.

 

OP, what chocolate said is quite right.. what others said is also right..may be your dh wants you to share the household so that you both together can have a better future..the thought is good..

it is absolutely true that working always better than SAhm, not that i meant sahm doesn't do anything..

for men like yours and my ex.. how much ever work we do staying at home is negligible.just bring a paycheck they will stay quiet..i am also saying that even if you get a paycheck, there will be other kind of bullying undoubtedly, but atleast the money will keep coming.


as choclate mentioned, my ex also wanted me to work, bullied me a lot and planned to send kid to india..I didn't let it happen.so he divorced me like a coward.

anyways,

be careful, finish your course, come back, utilize your time,money,visa properly,
& plan your future..

don't argue with him...atleast don't fight verbally...these kind of ppl get caught up into a lot of verbal fights..they bring you down to their level and beat with experience..Gone there, experienced that..the guilt,regret,anger,hurt is unbearable later.so don't get into that web.

when he is bullying you,saying crap,just walk away from there.look into his face,eyes..laugh,smile if you can. that might diffuse the tension around the situation.

just tell him let's not fight about what our parents said or did.if he abuses you, simply but firmly & nicely say to him " talk nicely then only i will respond"
it worked for me few times.

do this few times, some times just don't respond at all.play dumb.he will get irritated.bullies like them, just want to make you feel and look bad because they don't want to be alone in their bully land wallowing in their anger,so they provoke you and pull you into their drama.don't fall for that trap.

so just ignore him.This IGNORE word is a tough, difficult yet powerful word to survive in Indian Marriages.

Your day will definitely come to speak up.

once you come to usa, open your bank account.it is quite easy.Go to nearby bank of America,take your id,passport, other important documents along with you.ask them for a savings and checking account.it is just a 15-30 min work.


Seriously search for job.work on it every single day..start networking.talk to ppl. call up old friends,contacts,talk to neighbors.

in your other post i read that you saw one of your old friends who had crush on you.you cannot go back to him, so get him out of your heart.Just use that friendship for networking.it is nothing wrong.ask for help but don't tell about your situation.there are many freelancing websites.try them..


your dh will try his best to disturb you,demotivate,demoralize you. Although he wants you to get a job, he will do all this.just ignore..it's is not easy.. but you have a kid to distract yourself..so concentrate on that..If he is doing domestic work,let him do.it is blessing.not many will get that kind of help..so leave it to him.even if he does mistakes in cooking,kitchen etc also, just leave it.

i have a friend who has 3 yr old.she also went through similar situation.her house was a mess every single day.all day she would cook simple food, send the kid to daycare for full day, and concentrate on studying,give interviews for jobs etc....after a yr of struggle she got a job.she ignored all the negative comments made by his husband.He was torture.he didn't even allow her to use dw. she would ignore doing other chores,leave the house like a mess..
she used to share with me,cry her heart out but didn't budge nor succumb to his antics..

she is atleast happy that she has a job and making money so he won't bully her.
i was amused at her willpower and strength..


So first get a job, take care of the kid, take care of yourself physically mentally emotionally..just be happy with yourself,your life first.Rest all will fall in place..

don't take every single thing to heart.. we women are v sensitive.. men know the weak points...so they tend to prick us on that..Don't give him that satisfaction..

also don't ever compare your relationship,your life,your spouse to anybody.. .. delete this thought out of your head.everybody is different, everybody's life is different. Atleast this thought will give you some peace..

also take out the thought that you are in this relationship only for your parents,kid society etc..this thought kinda keeps you away from involving yourself completely in the relationship.

decide that your are in this relationship for yourself.come what may, he is your husband,you are his wife and this is your family..just stick to this. keep repeating this thought 100 times a day.you have to completely believe in this if you want a peaceful life. Atleast try.

I agree your husband is behaving immaturely.so are his family members...but we cannot change them..

you can only change yourself..be tough,strong,smart,clever..learnt the tricks of managing a relationship.try little bit of healthy emotional manipulation..

the more he tries to bully you, the more you shower him with affection..I do know that it is not easy.it is v v difficult.but that is a trick which will work.

don't think that only by becoming financial independent you will get strength and power to stand up for yourself & speak out..sure financial independence will give you all these things but your strength should come from inside.Work on that.

you have a kid.being a mom means having kinda super powers.work on your super powers.. take help of ilites. there aere wonderful women out here who are great moms,superwifes, superwomen.. take cues from them..

be smart op, be smart..world doesn't have place for crying and whinig ppl..

i have go through all these, done all these.. still things didn't workout.. but hey, atleast i tried..so try..


You inlaws will try their best to irk you. their motto is only that.to make you and your family look bad in fornt of your husband..they just wna tto spoil your relatiosnship..Indian inlaws have a strong thing that whatever it is a girl will never walk out of the marriage,atleast after having a kid.so they do all kind of drams to take the peace out of you, your life.
so don't fall for that trap aswell..Again gone there, seen that..

when they say soemthing about your parents, just listem say is it, ok.that's it.no need ot go and confront your parents.if they insist on saying again and again, say " is it, ok, i understand.you are right." that'st it. don't explain, don't confront.

sometimes you have to act dumb to get things done.a friend told me her experience.when ever her mil would taunt her, my friend would try to be more nice, more affectionate to her husband... the more her mil did, the more she acted nice,affectionate..this confused her mil.her mil was left with no choice coz she didn't get her feed.My friend din't confront not fight with her dh or her mil.she jsut did her part of action.that's it..mil was tired and gave up after lot of bullying..

try this..it might help you..

I don't know what situation you are, what stage of relationship you are..whether the above mentioned ideas,tricks,tips would help you or not..
but if there is any chance, relationship can be salvaged with little bit of work.

don't look at ppl who divorce dand think that they are free, happy and at peace..No, they are not..

Divorce is not easy at all..it is tough.even if everything settles down-financially,society wise ,family support etc.. the emotional turmoil is too much..too much to bear compared to the emotional pain being in a relationship.

so work on salvaging your relationship.

by the time I knew all this stuff it was too late..I wish i had known these things in the very beginning of my relationship..

read evey single line very carefully.keep evey single thing what the ilites wrote here.

if possible, take a notepad,jot down the pointers neatly and follow them diligently..
take each day as it comes, one step each day..you will get what you want..


nobody can impress anybody, especailly if they are not ready, if they are bullies, if they are hell bent on finding faults with you irrespective of whatever you do.

but you can impress yourself,you can make yourself happy.you can make yourself content.. that brings lot of peace, harmony and confidence in you,yourself, your life.eventually happiness will spread to others in your family..

always always take care of yourself first.think about yourself first.

don't think about divorce at all..just delete this thought.If it is gonna happen it will happen,nobody can stop that..but why wasting time thinking about it.


be happy,be peaceful..tc..

 

Dear,

Do you like to work? If you too want to and also want to talk to your husband. there it is. Common matter to talk about. talk to him about the job. Show him how interested are you too in the getting the job. Show him your progress in what he likes. May be he is terribly afraid of future responsibility of nurturing a child with single salary. Show him that you are more responsible, mature. Unless you show him that he is gonna keep bull ying you. Its important for women to be strong mentally. Just going back to US is not going to help unless u prove urself. He has no expectations from his mother, so he talks just like that. its different with you. He might be just obsessed with financial future, so smileys makes him feel more childish about you... There might be many SAHM, their husbands might find that great,but thats not your husbands. Complete the course with vivid colours. Concentrate on that. You are his wife, you will know him better. Try to realise whats his issue.