Gifts, Gifts, Gifts???

goldengirl826 · Mar 31, 2015

Hi all . I am new to this forum and this is my first post. Married for 3 years with no kids yet. Whenever me and my DH fight, he always makes it a point to badmouths my parents and tells that the root cause of the problem is because of them. On top of it my dad is destroying my life. On several occasions, he hints that my parents have not given him any gifts. (in the first year of my marriage, my parents had given him clothes, 10g gold coin, a gold ring and last year they gave him 25,000 rs as gift for marriage day). Apart from that there are lots of issues, due to the stress am not able to conceive. Now it has come to the point that, my parents don't like him and he as well and yet expects grand gifts from my parents.
BTW: his close buddy's FIL often gifts his Son-in-law cash gifts always. It been 7 years now, while this friend treats his FIL like his dad.
i am from chennai and in my community, we dont have all these silly expectations.

Please advise!!! dear ladies you are my last go.

vidhyabaskar · Mar 31, 2015

By gift, you are meaning extended dowry, right? He keeps expecting more and more dowry from your dad. Ok ?

SGBV · Mar 31, 2015

In my area, it is the MIL who gifts a lot for their DILs. My mom gifts a lot for my SIL, my aunts also do the same. My sister has recently got some beautiful gold jewels from her MIL as a gift on her B'day. But in the past 6+ years of my marriage life, I received nothing, absolutely nothing from my MIL. She never gifted anything to my co-sisters either.

Having said that, I know the gift culture and custom is different from each other. Please distract your H's gift expectation from the beginning. Tell him that he will not receive any gifts from your parents as a custom, but out of courtesy they may occasionally share some gifts with him. Be very clear with him. Also, tell him that you are not gonna share his gift requests with your family since you are fully aware of YOUR customs. If possible, ask H to do something to get a gift for yourself from his mom.

Leave this Gift topic at that. If he opens this discussion again, give the same message, and cut the discussion immediately. Please don't give in. Dont share wihj your folks.

He will learn to eventually cut down his expectations.

cheenu123 · Mar 31, 2015

Dear OP,
Ever since I got married, my MIL purposely tells me that whenever she gave any money to her DW, she /my late FIL made it a point that thay signed a cheque for SIL's husband. I used to tell this thing to my parents but according to my parents a DIL's parents have full right to give anything to their daughter, in whichever way they want. Therefore, recently when my dad retired from his service, he gave me a cheque of some amount. Again my MIL said, in our families, we never give cheques to our daughters.It should always be in the name of the son-in-law. However, I told her once and for all, that every parent has their own set of thought process, and no one has got any right to comment/ dictate/interfere. Even then, every now and then, my MIL doesn't fail to be sarcastic but i simply IGNORE her.
Regarding your DH's silly expectations, please tell her politely yet FIRMLY, that gifts are gifted out of love, but not compulsion. Please tell your parents very clearly that they should not waste their hard earned/saved money by gifting you.
Here, you have to be a little stronger!

goldengirl826 · Mar 31, 2015

Yes Cheenu,
exactly right! gifts are given out of love. Initially my parents pampered him and liked him. However his expectations of gifts was way too much and was always discontent with what my parents had given. After a point, i did tell my parents not give even a penny to him. However every Sankranti my parents give us 10,000 rs and is an equal share. However i never get to spend that money, since it goes to his account.

goldengirl826 · Mar 31, 2015

Yep even my mother's MIL and few of aunts do gift their DILs. So this attitude came as a shock to me. Till date my MIL has not given anything.
Her thinking "your parents have not gifted my son well, then why should i gift my DIL". Recently my dad gave me a gold pendant and guess what my MIL reply was "your are too fair, so why is your dad getting so much gold"

goldengirl826 · Mar 31, 2015

In simple terms YES.

satchitananda · Mar 31, 2015

goldengirl826 said: ↑

On top of it my dad is destroying my life. On several occasions, he hints that my parents have not given him any gifts. (in the first year of my marriage, my parents had given him clothes, 10g gold coin, a gold ring and last year they gave him 25,000 rs as gift for marriage day). Apart from that there are lots of issues, due to the stress am not able to conceive. Now it has come to the point that, my parents don't like him and he as well and yet expects grand gifts from my parents.
BTW: his close buddy's FIL often gifts his Son-in-law cash gifts always. It been 7 years now, while this friend treats his FIL like his dad.
i am from chennai and in my community, we dont have all these silly expectations.

Please advise!!! dear ladies you are my last go.
Click to expand...

In what way is your dad destroying your life? By not giving your husband all the gifts that he keeps expecting?

Hyral · Mar 31, 2015

Ask your DH.... 4 questions
1) Are you Handicapped? To buy the stuff yourself with what you earn?
2) How many gifts have you given to your in-laws(my parents)?
3) If he has to compare gifting thing with his dearest bestie, tell him should I start comparing you with self made and decent men around who says no even when his in-laws wants to gift out of love.
4) Moreover you tell him that tomorrow , if we give birth to girl , will u be more happy if your future Son-in-law expects gifts from you or you will be Happy to have a Son-in-law who would deny gifts out of respect?

Also, add you married him on thinking he is capable to look after his wife and kids.

I wont blame ur parents here coz if any one has son-in-law with this kind of sick attitude who would like him?

Explain him else write him an email so as to make sure he reads it...infact I would suggest
You email him, if he doesnt reply, SMS him, still no reply read same pts to him face to face.

goldengirl826 · Mar 31, 2015

After these three years of marriage, DH wants my parents to treat him like demi-god, showering him with gifts, discuss with him before my parents make any decisions. However when my dad invites him for lunch, he would n't come. Its a cold war between my parents and him. My parents too have given up on him, they say you are my daughter and we will do anything to protect you. Period.
My husband just has this notion that we are plotting something or that i am under the influence of my parents.