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In a bind

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lostinwoods, Mar 31, 2015.

  1. lostinwoods

    lostinwoods New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies

    I need your help. I am married with a 4 year old and currently pregnant, due in September. Also a med student (unconventional I know). I have been married for the last 6 years. It was a love marriage, was young and stupid and made a horrible judgement call. Realized that as soon as I started living with him. He has alcohol issues, family who treats him like ATM. He has no goal in life where as I am very ambitious. He has had severe depression issues for sometime now for which he has refused to seek help. Moreover over the past several months he has become extremely cynical and skeptical about everything and everyone around him. He hates his friends, his job, his extended family and of course me. His world currently revolves around his mother, sister and brother, and sometimes my daughter fills in the picture. No matter what I say or do, nothing can satisfy him or his ego. His current issue is that he doesn't want me to study, he feels that if I become a doc, I will earn more than him (he is in software) and not be the pativratha nari he wants. He was ok when I started the course as he felt I wouldn't be able to finish it. Now that I have finished half the program successfully, he is getting intimidated. His complains include... 'You have changed so much since the last two years, not taking care of your family' , which is complete bull. Two years back his statement was 'Oh you have changed so much, you were so different when we first got married'.
    So every two years or so I change in his eyes. Same dialogue. I joined this program because this is what I always wanted to be, and since my parents settled here in the US since we were kids, we have to finish bachelors before med school. I got married as soon as I finished bachelors and made a mess of my education.... and then got pregnant. I was trying to be a good wife than a career woman. He called his mother for 6 months 2.5 years ago. She stayed for 6 months. I took really good care of her. Even then both she and him showed me hell. That was when I decided I would do my own thing as sacrificing my life for these people is a waste of time and energy. My parents live in the same city, so took their help with raising my daughter, took a bank loan and started med school.


    Now MIL is coming back. She has been planning this for a long time. I was informed of this development even before I or anyone knew I was pregnant. Now the reason changed to help me out (Why would I need her help when I have my parents and sister in the same city?) . She can't do zilch. When her elder son had a son (who lives in India), she went there for 2 days, saw the baby and went home. Her intention is to live with us forever and for me to do her seva. She has never stayed with her elder son who lives in India, in the same state as well, but would love to travel all the way to live with us.


    Mine and H's relationship is already on shaky grounds. I don't know how to deal with this situation. He has gone to the point of asking me to move in with my parents if I have a problem with him. No matter how calm and collected I am, he is manipulating me into breaking down and having fight with him. I don't want to create a scene as

    1) I am pregnant.
    2) I am preparing for my step exam which I would have to take before Aug.


    We have the house under both our names. He seems to have forgotten I am his wife. His plan is to remortgage the house and send the money to his family which is a lot and will leave me and my children with debt and nothing else.



    I have no idea as how to deal with this situation.


    Should I stay put and fight for my rights
    or
    Should I just go to my parents place.


    I am in a fix now. I would love to go to live with my parents. But I have seen how MIL is an expert in separating us. For example she was here for 6 months.... however we weren't intimate for almost a year during and after her arrival/departure. That says a lot about her. More importantly my husband seems to detest me for no apparent reason. What should I do?





     
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  2. Grihani

    Grihani Gold IL'ite

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    Just asking...Do you love him? Still?
     
  3. lostinwoods

    lostinwoods New IL'ite

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    Love.... I used to. Now I don't know.
     
  4. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Congratulations for your pregnancy..

    This is a big decision to be made and it depends upon various factors:

    1) Do you want to stay with him forever? Most Importantly if he is bearable to you or not.

    2) Does he care for his daughter and shows interest for the new one coming?

    3) Do you want him for your kids?

    I think you should not think from your MIL's perspective... Most of the MIL's are good at creating fights between couple and they think by this way they can still be close to their son... so this is universal problem.. don't worry about it... taking revenge from them or fighting with them is just waste of our energy and time...

    but just think if your relationship with your hubby can be strengthened, if for your kids you need him... if you manage without him... just you, him and your kids... these should be basis of your decision...

    All the best..
     
  5. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    Go to your parents place and fight for your 'rights'.

    First, I am not entirely sure what you mean by 'rights'. 'Rights' as a his wife? Property / financial 'rights'? The 'right' to follow your dream? The 'right' to a decent life without abuse? So, start there and clarify what you want.

    Med-school is a tough proposition. Med-school with a child + new pregnancy is even tougher. Indian-style guests, even ostensibly good ones, are a bad idea. Focus on what's important. I doubt that your mother-in-law is in any way vested in your success in the exams or your future career. It's your problem and yours alone. You have only a year and a half to go. Stay the course. Ignore everything else, manipulative husband included. If you give up now, that involuntary, externally induced abandonment of your goal will haunt you for the rest of your life. You will come to perceive it as a failure. Don't ignore the drive that got you this far.

    As for the house, if it is in both your names, your husband cannot sell it unilaterally. Get legal advice. Protect your interests. Untangle your finances.

    You say your husband 'detests' you. That is a pretty strong word. Yet, you seem to want to stay with him. Why? I find it hard to even read his manipulative bs.

    Maintain your sanity, go to your parents' place, work hard. Tell your husband that it's extremely important to you. Ask him to go to counseling with you so that you can address his insecurities and salvage the marriage. First make sure that's what you want.

    When a man keeps ungodly hours in search of career success, he's doing it for his wife and kids. When a woman does it, she's neglecting family.

    Do not succumb to the 'you are not a good mother' , 'you don't care for your family' nonsense. That is the oldest trick in the book to keep a woman down.

    A year and half will fly by. Get that MD!

    Read this!
     
  6. lostinwoods

    lostinwoods New IL'ite

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    Thank you guys. First off my only way out of this marriage is to finish that degree. I have invested too much time, energy, money and made a lot of sacrifices to get to this point. As far as him being a good father, he is when he is not in one of his moods. However they are getting bit too erratic now. He usually resigns himself to his room and keeps drinking for days together. He does have an alcohol problem as well. I do not want to bring up my children in this environment. My daughter has been primarily living with my parents as I am studying in a different city. He travels back and forth for his work.
    Frankly I had given up hope on this marriage long back. My only goal was to finish the program, become independent and then take a decision on this marriage. Another kid was never part of the plan. Anyways that is God's gift, not complaining.
    All I want to do now is to have a safe and relatively stress free pregnancy and do well on my step exams. Studying has become a source of escape for me. I have told him clearly that no matter what he thinks, I will not stop it in the middle for his ego.
    My right is the right to be recognized as the most integral part of his life. I want him to realize that.
    Other than that I don't care anymore. I have fought for this marriage for far too long now. Only thing is if I go to my parents with my daughter for the remainder of pregnancy, I don't want him to create a scene. His mother here will only add oil to the fire.
     
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Go to your parents place and study.
    Check with a lawyer if he can remortgage the house without your consent as it is on joint name.Take action to prevent that.
    Don't let him and his mom distract you from your studies.Your future and your kids future depends on your degree ....sadly ,not on him.
    Cheers and best wishes.Give us the good news when you finish your degree. We will have a virtual celebration.
     
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  8. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    You better go and consult a lawyer on everything in your situation from child custody to alimony. You could land up paying him alimony for years once you get that MD after your name.

    Frankly (being really blunt here) you don't seem to use a lot of common sense. Why get pregnant with this mess and being in med school, bad marriage, child you don't care for already, etc. There is no magic in life to make things work out right.....humans have to use common sense.
     
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  9. lostinwoods

    lostinwoods New IL'ite

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    Thank you for the common sense comment.
    First off you mentioned I don't care for my child.... Have you visited me and my daughter to have come to that conclusion? You are accusing me of exactly the same thing my husband probably is. Do you think it has been easy for me to leave my four year old for the last 2 years. I run home at the first chance to be with her. The only reason am doing this is for her, for her better life. If her life depended on her alcoholic father, it would be entirely different.
    And secondly my pregnancy.... I didn't exactly jump with joy on seeing the positive pregnancy test. I had always been extremely careful in this regard and ironically had even made an appointment for IUD. Had to cancel it as it was exactly 2 weeks after I found out. I even had a choice of not going on with the pregnancy if I wanted. Do you think I am having fun with all this. Its not fun being 8 months pregnant writing a 8 hour long exam.... I made the decision to carry on with the pregnancy as no matter what the situation is if the mother is confident she can and will do what is best for her children its her prerogative. I see women everyday praying to have kids. If that has happened to me even by chance in no matter what situation, I will take it as a blessing from God.
    I am pretty sure you have done things which defied the laws of common sense.
    FYI you can give good suggestions but don't ever accuse a anyone of being a bad mother without knowing the entire story.

    Thank you.
     
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  10. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP

    You health is very important at this point. For that and for your examination prep and your elder daughter, you do need to have some help. I think you should go to your parents home. You will get some less stress there at least.

    This will also give you and your H some time off and help him think clearly and prioritize his responsibilities. Once you have your baby, who knows things might change.
     

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