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Wife have money problem

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by NiceGuy, Mar 28, 2015.

  1. NiceGuy

    NiceGuy New IL'ite

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    Hello,

    I know this is ladies forums, but I guess you can help me understand girls view.

    Got married year and half back. Stayed 1 yr away because of immigration and now living together since last 6 months. I and my wife both are having professional job and earning decent in US. But my wife refuse to pay for anything. When she was in India and having professional job there too, she did not spend on anything. I had to send all her expenses. I thought she is new in the house, new to environment so let her do what she wants. She will understand as time goes by. Now she is in US for 6 months and earning fine she still wants I should pay for everything and pay for her expenses/shopping as I am the husband. She does not spend a penny from her pay. Whenever I say anything about money, she asks I should ask from my parents as inheritance as they come and stay with me for a 8-10 months and stay with my brother in India for 8-10 months. My parents earn very little here. She wants that my parents should share expenses. When she started her job here, she had a big fight to have a separate account. I don't wish/intend that she gives all her money, but she is not ready for anything. Last week we had big fight where I said pay 25% of your pay and keep 75% for yourself, but she did not agree. She wants to go for vacations, have a flat in India, go out every weekend, but I should pay for all.

    I was ready that if she pays 25% of her pay, I will take care of everything as it is right now and as she is expecting.

    Is it fine/normal to expect that wife should pay for SOME things when she is earning? In this situation, is my wife point correct that I should take money from my parents and not her? At this age, I should be taking care of my parents and not asking money from them. I am ready to take care of my in-laws too. I give them same respect as mine. I buy all the gifts for them and I don't keep any partiality with them. Since she does not share financial responsibilities, I stopped helping her in cooking/cleaning after big fight. She intends to have a maid if we are in India as that is for her convenience and she will pay for it. But not pay for anything else.

    Just looking for some logical answer to this.
     
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  2. girlieyonee

    girlieyonee Senior IL'ite

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    It just appears that some gals take the notion of husband being the sole provider a bit too seriously.

    It looks either she is totally scatterbrained or has been closely tutored to behave this way.

    you will have to be firm and tell it cannot be anymore a one way drive all through..

    discuss and come up with a list of things she can contribute. If she is still stubborn, lock up your wallet for the non-essential needs of the family [aka personal needs of the distaff]
     
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  3. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    This is a classic case of having the cake and eating it too.

    You are right and justified in your expectation that your wife share expenses of the household. You are also right in saying you will take care of your parents' expenses. Its for your parents to decide about inheritance, not your wife. A person cannot and should not be in a position to change all important relationships in his life because of a new relationship.

    Its heartening to know you treat your in laws on par with your parents. Please dont change this attitude because of your wife's immature attitude.

    I am not sure if your wife's refusal to share expenses stems from a insecurity in your relationship. If that is the case please assure her you are always there for her through words and actions. Further if she still refuses to share, you might consider buying a house/flat in joint name and ask her to pay the EMI.
     
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  4. Denni

    Denni Gold IL'ite

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    Bro,

    You sound like an angel to me. I am working and earning well too. My husband expects me to pay for everything , even his debt, his mothers expenses and that leaves me with zero money.

    I think its fair enough to expect your wife contribute 25% of her salary towards household expenses. Make a monthly budget and let her see how much you contribute. She can at least pay for the utility bills or for the provisions. You can pay the bigger bills . Make her understand your tough position and the stress of bearing all the expenses. She can have the rest of the money safely invested or in savings account.

    Marriage is about sharing.... I understand how you feel, been there and still am there.

    Take care and god bless.
     
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  5. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Both adults should contribute to the household expenses. A fair scheme could be that in proportion to their salaries. After housing, groceries etc been paid both parties can then do with the rest what they want. Or maybe having some savings goals together. Silly to expect someone else to pay for her expenses.
     
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  6. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    This ain't no money problem.. its greed. Tell her life is "going dutch"...everything we must be paid 50-50 ..
     
  7. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    What does she do with her money? Does she spend on you on, say, your birthday or anniversary? Does she invest? Does she have long term plans for the two of you together or is it just insurance for her in case the marriage doesn't work out?

    If it is the latter she is out of order.

    You have a chat with her perhaps with a marriage counsellor present. You need To tell her that she is causing extreme resentment in you and you feel like you are being taken for a ride. Do you feel happy about being the jerk who doesn't contribute to the domestic chores? Does it make her happy that she has driven you to so much resentment that you don't care anymore? Does she feel proud of herself for her greedy statements about taking money from someone else while you both are fit and well and earning?

    Ask her for a solution. Tell her clearly that you are not after her money; you don't need a joint account. However you would like to know what her angle is. Is she insecure and wants a sizable bank balance? Or does she have loans she needs to pay off? Siblings to educate? Parents to support? Work something out with her.

    You could have one joint account into which both of you pool in x amount every month for expenses. You could save y amount let month for the future and the rest you can spend as you see fit. Make a budget for every month.

    Tell her her it is not about the money but it is abot the emotional wedge this attitude has caused in your marriage. Tell her you want that sorted out. If she refuses counselling, you go alone. And please ensure you don't bring a baby into your lives until this awful mess is all sorted out.
     
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  8. Sparkle

    Sparkle Platinum IL'ite

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    @NiceGuy:
    I am not speaking for all women out there, just speaking from my experience.
    What your wife is doing is not right (especially after you discussed about this to her), in my POV.

    - What about her parents/siblings? Have they stayed with you once in a while at least? In those cases was she ready to pay?

    - After marriage, I don't think parents should share any expenses for the husband and wife. I don't understand what kind of logic is this. (In case of festivals or special occasions, if the family of the husband/wife spends or gifts money, thats a different case).
    If she thinks your parents should share expenses, she and her parents should also share the expenses.

    - Your wife fighting to keep a separate account is OK. but her intentions seem wrong to me. She seems insecure. (Its OK for women to stand up for themselves, financially make themselves strong etc. But not sharing household expenses when in decent paying jobs is not correct)
    You can try splitting the expenses with your wife. You can pick some items you want to pay for and she can pick the rest. Else every month make a summary of expenses and ask her to share a part of it. Looking at exact numbers/figures makes a difference.
    There is also another option: one person pays for all expenses and the other person saves the money for both in a joint account.
    If none of these things work for you, cut her expenses down.

    - Yes, its fine and normal to expect wives to pay. Please continue help her in cooking and cleaning. Figuring out why she doesn't want to pay is the first step. If you fight and turn your faces away, at the end of the day you are still paying and dealing with your issues. She is not. So, try talking and work things out.

    Sorry to say this, but your wife is just looking out for herself for some reason or she is just a confused wannabe feminist. Only you can solve this.
     
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  9. Marzipan

    Marzipan Gold IL'ite

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    I think you need to jump to action. Start by not paying for her personal shopping/grooming. She may sulk initially but she is not going to stop shopping just because you refuse to pay. So one by one she will learn to pay for her personal expenses. This is a good start.
     
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  10. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    I would say start by saving plan. Contribute maximum to your 401k or any pension plans IRA, get a Max mortgage home and contribute to that. Get life insurance with money back options and whatever is left use that to run the family.
     

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