how to make husband understand to live seperate for lifetime?

Hi,

I decided to forgive my husband for the cheating he did by going close to his collegue.
I was trying to be normal with him leave alone intimacy front. Its been approx 4 months now. I am still not comfortable in having s.. with him and he knows the reasons .

I have lost trust because he was ready to leave me for his parents and not add my name in his flat taken. its in MILs and husband name.
moreover he did not agree that his father insulted me to core for making me responsible for his closeness with girl and asking me abt our relation as husband wife. Past 3 years he has never stood by me against his parents when they insulted me , accused me of trivial household things ( throwing their specs below dining table, not letting them play with my son but they were taking care of him from 9 to 5 , making me guilty of taking my son away from SIL when i used to take him for evening walks and play from 6.30 to 8.30 pm, accusing me and asking me to get out of house for keeping my son's school bag in Sil's room.. they have called my parents atleast thrice to take me and asked me to get out of house) After this cheating i had enough and could not take the insult on my self respect by my FIL

hence I told him we can buy a new home or rent home in mumbai. Right now we are in pune.

Last week i asked him what is his stand when we go back in 2 years. Because i dont have a flat on my own, Ils will rule that house and i dont want to again fall in that trap and loose my identity, peace,respect. he said he wont leave his parents like that nowhere.. I said its not leave but stay seperate. we can stay near by in same complex or same locality, have rented/buy home etc but he clearly denied and accused me that i am making him stay away from parents etc etc.

Dont i have the right to stay seperate for my peace of mind, knowing how manipulative my MIL is ? she has emotionally blackmailed my husband to core saying she has suffered because of FIL who was jobless since 20 years.

but where am i to suffer for this? I did not do it initially but after 5 years of staying together and tremendous accusations/insults of me /my parents i cannot stay with them. we came to pune but those things never stopped. whenever i went for weekends. for max weekends they have fought. I have stopped visiting Ils and staying at mumbai home. When i go i just visit parents and stay with them.

I am sticking to my views of not staying with Ils once we move back to mumbai . what if husband does not agree then? Right now he has clearly told me he will not leave his parents.how do i make my husband realise that staying seperate only will help?

I will have no option then but ti buy a flat in my name and stay there after 2 years with my son , if my husband still does not change his opinion. I dont want to stay with ILs and suffer . I want peace and as a women dont i have right for that? Just because he is son he cannot leave his parents , wont accept their behaviour with me and I should adjust since a girl. For past 2 years i did not call my parents in munbai home just because for husband he felt they insulted his mom. What abt my insults?

I am just not sure the future of my relation with husband ? will he change and accept to stay alone ? just pouring all my thoughts right now.

 

Hi thanks,

Yes agreed. For my peace of mind I am going to buy a flat now if I get one in my budget. But i wont get it near my in laws place as if i have to stay alone later after 2 years I need the flat near my parents place. Just in case i will need help with my son.thats my thought process . In case husband wants to stay with me later , I can sell that and we can buy a new one near ILs place if all goes fine. IF not atleast I will have some support system from my parents( never know if required) .

I need some security in terms of house if my husband leaves me after 2 years for his parents. I was trying to ask him now if he has made his mind to stay seperate then I wont invest in flat near my parents place because i am sure he wont be ready to stay near my parents ( 6 km or so) So just wanted to know and invest accordingly to avoid buy/sell and then buy near ILs place.

however my husband can sell the current one 2.5 bhk and buy 2 as well one for us and one for ILs but we wont. he is not ready to stay seperate only.

I made my independence clear to them even FIL explicitly that i dont want to leave and suffer with them.But it hurt when husband still thought he cant stay seperate and made me feel what after 2 years etc.

I started feeling if i am really bad in asking this? is it really being harsh with husband ? but if he does not stand up for me, does not accept their accusations and protect me, cannot add my name with MIL and husband name in his home,.cannot allow me to call my parents even for my son's bday in mumbai home then why should i think always of them?

 

ILs and parents stay 25 km away.

right now i cant buy flat alone near in laws place.. rates are same near my parents or IL laws place . but they dont have 1 bhk flats near ILs place.. all are 2 bhk or more or 1.5 bhk etc. the costing comes to more than 1Cr.15 lk which i cant buy alone. I will need husband support. But husband is not ready to stay alone so no point buying with him because he will have his say then what i can do in that flat etc.

NEar my parents place we have seen some flats which are 1bhk ( 400 Carpet area) and come to 1 Cr . For that itself i will have to spend all my investments and borrow from my mom + loan . So i cant afford more than 1Cr.

else i will have to buy in remote place very far off away from ILs and parents place and also from my office which is mear waste for 1CR.
So better i take it near my parents place. "if husband wanted to buy , he could very well sell this 2.5 bhk and buy 1.5 bhk for us and for ILs near by. but he is not ready to stay alone near by in same complex also

my parents wont want to stay with me as they denied my buying flat in same building as they stay. Just because my husband wont be ready to stay near anyway so.

Atleast this flat i plan to buy is some 6 km away from parents place. My brother is there to take care of my parents as well. so they are not alone and they understand my situation and husband.

If my husband is ready to stay alone after 2 years we can even rent a place near ILs place and stay. am ready to stay in rented flat as well but he should be ready right.
so this flat for me right now is mere investment and some asset which i can rely on if i have to stay alone. neither depend on parents nor brother nor husband.

i dont wanna come between my parents and brother relation and brothers life once he gets married.

 

Thanks . yes he went near that girl touching hands, rubbing her neck, trying to kiss . Initially he was very sorry for 10 days. After that FIL came and he tried blaming me for husband deeds asking questions about our relation etc.
After that husband changed and says he did not do anything . I am making a big issue out of this and asking to add name or stay away from ILs.
now he says he had no feeling , it was the moment and nothing to make issue of.
hhowever he has no talks with that girl now for sure..

related to intimacy i am not open for any as of now as I fear he is using me for this. he has never proved he cares for me by doing something I will be happy of . so i wont be able to go ahead with real husband wife relation . he tries for it and then when i dont cooperate he asks reason. Wehn I tell my reasons of insecurity etc, these things again crop up. Its like a vicious circle where i am stuck.