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Living with a passive/Aggressive spouse

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rakhii, Mar 18, 2015.

  1. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    With a very heavy heart I am writing this here. More often than not, I simply don’t write what’s bothering me anymore as I have made good friends here and I don’t want them worrying over what’s going on with me. But I think the time has come where I must share some painful facts with you.

    It seems like I am in a verge of separation. Things have never been 100% right from the get go. As in, if anyone looks at my old threads, you will know what the problem is. If I have to sum up the whole issue in one paragraph, here it is. I am living with a person who gets angry at the drop of a hat. He justifies I am the reason he is getting angry and that it’s OK to yell at me because I am reason for his anger.
    It doesn’t stop there, he goes silent on me. Not for hours or days, it stretches for months. Yes, you heard me right, months. The latest episode happened on Dec 15, till now the hostile, silent treatment and talks when something needs to be communicated for sure.

    Let’s not got to why he stopped talking to me, let me just say, according to him its fine not to talk to a spouse for months. I suggested counseling, he refused. According to him counseling is for people who needs validation from others, who want to be judged by others.
    I don’t want to live without talking and he doesn’t want to be normal, ever again. Yes, he said that so himself. So, things will never be the same again. Ever.

    Now, I started professional counselling, alone. Not sure how that’s going to go. I may not go for too long as my insurance doesn’t cover me for it.
    Mostly I will end up on Prozac. I don’t know for sure, as most antidepressants are deemed unfit for pregnant women.

    Now, you may wonder why I am still living with him. I simply refuse to believe that all these 7-8 years of togetherness is meant to end in nothing. I feel, I may have dropped the ball too. I feel, unless I am mentally strong enough to be able to cope by myself, I have no business contemplating separation…with a 3 year old and to-be-born-child.

    As it stands, we still do things together like shopping, taking our daughter out, going for ultra sounds together…but communicate only when needed.

    Now why did I start this thread? I did so because I want to see if I rediscover myself through this journey of my counseling, understand if I can or want to live him, understand what a passive/aggressive person seeks in a relationship and see if we can ever contemplate growing old together.
    So there. Off my chest. Feel terrible right now, but hopefully now that I started my journey, it has to end somewhere. Lets hope it’s a happy place.

    Edit: As such, he has been an excellent provider for the family. Not a day I have to worry about finances, not a day I have to worry about my daughter. He has his own good days and when those good days come, he makes me feel like a queen. He is good in his own way.
     
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  2. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    ((()))

    Good that you have been able to get help for your self. It does not sound that you would be depressed (and prozac-like medicines are only for that kind of condition) but you are reacting to the unfair treatment you receive.

    Good that your finances are in order. But life is much more than that. I do not have any good advice. Take care of your self, go to the counsellig as long as you can, there are also selfhelp groups etc that maybe can Support you. Take care of your children, ensure that your own personal finances are in order (and property kept in both names, you have the copies of your financial papers). Focus on the little one and the new family member.

    But do not give up your hopes, you do not have forever to live in a relationship like that.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    :-(
    Take care for now Rakii.Take care of yourself and the little ones.
    Yes...let's hope for the best.
    Hugs to you.
     
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  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks ladies. yes, right now my focus is solely on the baby i am carrying. I do not want to take any life changing decision this year as I already have a life changing event coming up with the new baby. I just have to figure out a way to continue the counseling. At $150 an hour, I dont think i can keep going for long.

    I was told, try the 180 D method. I dont want to dwell on self guilt. Some days are good where I honestly think it doesn't matter what happened, he still should not treat me this way. Some days I feel, if only things go back to normal, I will be a changed person...

    I have hurt him in the process too. He has his own share of things to complain about. I believe I never in the past 3 years ?(since the birth of my daughter) made his feel like he is wanted sexually. I guess I did drop that ball. Maybe thats the root cause of all the problem? I dont know and he refuses to go counseling with him.

    I cry...and ask for a middle ground where both of can be relatively happier. He doesn't know what that middle ground is either. As the days go by, it feels like he has more resentment towards me than on day 1. Like when he talks, its bitter. That or I am just imagining things and being overly sensitive right now.
     
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Wow, Rakhii. I had no idea.
    I think as of now, you need to concentrate on yourself. Aren't you due in a few weeks? I think you need all your energy to deal with delivery and two very young and very dependent kids. Keep going for counselling and see how you can heal yourself. It's terrible that insurance won't cover counselling sessions. You do need them. Even with a prescription from a psychiatrist won't you get coverage?

    I'd say put all your negative feelings on the back burner for now. After the baby is here and things settle down, reasses and see where things are.
    I know it's easier said than done but your health should be your top priority now. Everything else can wait until after the baby.
     
  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Baby is not due until end of august Laks. Thank you though, I appreciate your positive thoughts. I took another appointment with my family doctor to see what she can do about the insurance. I never really used it before, so I dont exactly know how it works.
    I am trying to put myself before anything else right now as I have 2 babies relying on my good health. What a 360 D turn from where I was when I was pregnant with my first one.

    Tell me laks, even if all the fault is mine (for the argument sake), is it appropritate for couples not to communicate for this long? I keep trying to go back...and back and see what I can do. I am unable to even articulate what I want to tell you right now.
     
  7. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    One thing also came to my mind. During my last pregnancy I experienced a total depression, tried to bring it up with the nurse but got no explanation. There was also some relationship issues in the background but in the addition came a total darkness. It was scary but somehow I hanged in there. After the baby was born the situation improved.
     
  8. Saisakthi

    Saisakthi IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rakhii Sister,

    Sairam, Oh No !! I never thought this thread is from you and my eyes could not go further being wet when it read the Lines "it seems like I am in the verge of separation"

    Anger is something which can definitely be changed, Any clue if he behaves in his office environment or any where else also in a similar manner.

    As far as my knowledge goes, anger spurts at all circumstances in a even way and doesn't change its notion different for a different person, if that is not the situation we need to diagnose the root cause and under go sessions to calm him down, it is possible.

    It was made possible in an known family circle and things are much better now. My prayers counts and will keep you in special prayers,

    As other sisters mentioned for now take care of your health and the unborn and ofcourse you DD, set right your financial aspects well in order, the rest can take its own flow, May Baba bless you with good health and safe / normal journey of pregnancy. Take Care

    Hugs to you dear, Sairam

     
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  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    I dont think this is pregnancy related. I mean, 2 weeks before we found out that I was pregnant was when we had an argument. Actually he had an argument. Its the same old story why he was upset. Both of us wanted to do different things at the same time. When I told him about the pregnancy, I really thought he would quite being this hostile self and try to reconcile. But no, its not to be.
    So, my opinion is, this has got nothing to do with the pregnancy. In general he is like that.
     
  10. abla

    abla Gold IL'ite

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    @Rakhii . I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers my friend .I do not have much advice.But one thing I know is that pregnancy and immediate post pregnancy period for some reason puts women in some vulnerable position and takes a toll on everything.I get that it may be a very lonely place when your spouse remains in no talking terms for months . Good job on going for counseling by yourself and continue as long as you can . Do not start taking any anti depressants unless you are diagnosed to be clinically depressed . Find support groups ( Here is good ) or in real life . I wish you all the very best .
     
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