Husband complains about me to my parents/in-laws

ladyblr · Mar 6, 2015

I've been married for 5 years. Whenever I and my husband quarrel and he thinks that he can't handle it anymore, he threatens to complain to someone (either my parents or his). Initially he used to complain to my mom and when she got fed up, he started involving my dad. On one such occasion, my parents took my side and told DH that we should solve our problems on our own, which pissed off DH quite a bit. I personally don't like involving a third person in couple fights. Recently, we had a rather big fight and he complained to his parents this time. My in-laws called my parents and 'warned' them about my behaviour. Then my parents came to my house and lectured me for a long time.I'm feeling like sh*t. I'm not talking to anybody now. I used to love DH a lot despite our quarrels but now I feel like I've started despising him. I'm unable to feel better no matter what. Please help.

Rise · Mar 6, 2015

Calm down. Your hus is acting like a school going kid... going to parents and complaining. Tell Mr Perfect that married life prob is to be initially handled b/w the wife and hus ... the more the third parties involved the more bigger the problem will be.....

next time when he get angry ask him not to be like a teenager and take up issue like a man . Talk and sort out.. You both are ADULTS... a good conversation can heal the issues. give it time..

and being the indian Dil the fault is always that of the lady !!! When will people clear up!! Woman really need to have strong shoulders to carry all the blame and egos of all the ils and hus
by the way 5years is a pretty long time you guys need to sort between each other...

Denni · Mar 6, 2015

Hi,

Your husband is just seeking attention and wants someone to back up him. But I find it rather childish for a married man to complain about his quarrels to your parents/his parents. Your parents did the right thing by telling him solve his own marital problems.
Your in laws should back off too instead of taking his side.

I never discuss my marital problems with my parents. So does my husband. Whatever happens between the wall should remain there unless if he is abusing you, then you should not keep quiet.

Try to talk to your husband when he is in good mood. Tell him that, you dont want your parents to look down on both of you because he has made your marriage an open book. Guys would start to think when their self respect is at stake. Make him understand not let others into your marriage.

VanithaSudhir · Mar 6, 2015

Hi ladyblr,
Have you spoken to your husband about not involving ur parents or his ?
5 yrs is a long time.. Is it possible for you tell your in laws subtly not to involve in your arguments ? Are the arguments anything major or trivial ? Is it possible to solve the issues between you and your husband that causes these fights ?

Rihana · Mar 6, 2015

ladyblr said: ↑

I personally don't like involving a third person in couple fights.
Click to expand...

Have you mostly followed this in the past five years? When fights happen, do you keep them private? Or do you share them with mom, dad or maybe a close friend?

If you have mostly kept details of fights to yourself and not shared that often, you can bring up the topic when things are calm, and tell him that it bothers you. Tell him that even after the fight is over and resolved, people remember it. Say that you will try to reduce cause for fights, and simultaneously can you both also not share with others.

When discussing it, don't highlight that he shares while you keep the details mostly private. Try to get your point across without blaming him. There is a difference between:
"Can you please not tell our parents our fight details"

and
"I wish our parents don't know about our fights. I like to keep a pretense that things are OK when talking on phone etc"

Your aim is to reach a state where details of fights are kept private. Your aim is not to inform him about or scold him for this habit he has of sharing.

If you have also shared details of your fights with mom, dad or friend, with or without your husband's knowledge, then you have a weaker case. Will be hard to convince husband that fights should be kept private.

Of course, why so many fights is also something to look into.

Akanksha1982 · Mar 6, 2015

OP, it takes two hands to clap but it takes only one hand to stop. So look at what do you achieve from the fights. If not, either reduce or eliminate the fights. Just tell him that from now on you are not going to fight or shout or speak loudly. If he needs to do something tell him once and leave it at that. If he shouts or gets angry, remind him that you will talk to him once he becomes calm and then walk away.

Once the fight reduces and he becomes more calmer, his sharing with others should stop as well.

nb25 · Mar 6, 2015

When he complains to others, deny every thing. Ask him sweetly - Why are you saying that, dear? You know that's not what happened. This approach will work with your parents. Act like you are being mature, while he is being whiny. As for ILs, just ignore if they say any thing unreasonable.

He will stop when he gets no reaction from you and your parents.

yellowmango · Mar 6, 2015

mg:What a chugalkhor(tattletale) husband!!!
hugsmileyTo you op....just tell him to stop being a tattletale ....ask him if he wants his kids to learn chugalkhori from him.

nebula2009 · Mar 7, 2015

Hi ladyblr
I have a same problem as that of urs.. I'm married for 7 years my H behaves the same way too..at least ur parents have said once to solve by his own.. My family is yet to say it.. I know how irritating this situation will be.. It spoils the whole relationship.. No use in explaing them these kind of
Men will never Change as per my experience.. Do u have a job?? Make yourself occupied with things apart from family crowd.. Things will get better.

YoGirl · Mar 7, 2015

Same things happens to me..
so now, whenever we have a fight..i keep telling my H that the only thing that he is good at, is calling my parents immediately after a fight and that he doesn't focus on either the problem or the solution. so, after few hours of the fight..i ask him if he has already called my parents...these days he is getting pissed off to my question and answering that ' he is not a jerk to call everyone after a fight'..works for me..

Also, my parents are fed up of his complaints...and seeing my revolting nature he came to a conclusion that I will neither listen to my parents nor his or even him..

So, don't worry...a time will come when everyone will be pissed off seeing his nature..and will tell him to solve his own problems...until then, please don't take the crap and most importantly start giving back atleast in small doses(even though you feel you have done mistake..no one has time to see who is wrong..but they can see the strength that we stand up with)..