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Affair ....friend...how to help?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Long time ago I had posted a thread about my friend and her having affair with a married guy.I had explained to her how wrong it was,but she says that she does not expect anything from him and just companionship.

    Now,this guy treats her bad.emotionally and physically.In every way,my friend is better than him.Anyways,I told her again that this guy is manipulating and is rude to both her and his wife.Also,she is in the wrong going behind married men.

    Her reasoning is..

    1) she feels very lonely and insecure
    2) she can find only married men and single men are not interested
    3) she does not expect anything from the relationship expect emotional security..

    This guy treats her with utter disrespect and abuses her with rude words,calls her ugly and stupid and also makes her do extreme things when it comes to sex.
    I asked her why she was still with him!she says that when he is calm,they have a good time but 85% of time they fight.she also says she feels too alone and scared.she is afraid to eave him as the guy works in the same office and threatens her.I saw his pic and looks scary and rugged.

    the changes I saw in her..

    1) low confidence
    2) enormous stress
    3) SHOP-A-HOLIC..she spends almost 15000rs everytime she shops! I am not even kidding.


    This friend who was my wonderful friend,good hearted,who comes from a gem of a family was married to a CREATURE and she got divorced and now look at her state!!
    Is there any way she can be helped???
     
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  2. Saranyashanmuga

    Saranyashanmuga New IL'ite

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    Hi, This is just my opinion.

    She has to leave him completely, and should stay separately where that person cant sees her.
    After a year passes surely she will be relaxed and forgets everything.
    Then a good hearted person comes and marries her.
    If one door closes another open, so she has to be stuburn in taking decision to leave him.

    No other go, Living with him doesn't gives her respect in the society.
    If anything wrong i have spoken iam sorry...

    Thank you

    Saranya.
     
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  3. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    no need to be sorry saranya:)

    am in the same opinion of yours..
    he is no good.I am trying so har to convince her.she is too scared to let him go coz she feels she cannot get another companion.she HAS TO BE STRONG and let go..
    do not know how to do it and she is wrecking herself:(
     
  4. GoneGirl

    GoneGirl Gold IL'ite

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    She should definitely leave this guy and focus her energy elsewhere, maybe finding another guy...If all she is after is emotional security, it doesn't have to be an affair that will provide her with this, it can be good girl friends, family or siblings. She should get more friends/ new hobby/or do more work to spend time, and has to get over him.Also she should think about the plight of the poor wife in this scenario.
     
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  5. docathome

    docathome Gold IL'ite

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    Pls get her to a good counsellor.. She seems very low in confidence. A relationship is not the be all n end all of a person. Especially not with an abuser.. She has look beyond this relationship n immerse herself in confidence building activities before she can move onto another relationship if at all it happens.. She should realise that her self worth is not tied down to some person or relationship. N of course she needs to get rid of this creep.
     
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  6. MeghanaT

    MeghanaT Bronze IL'ite

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    I am directly replying seeing the question, not seeing other friends answers. And i believe my suggestion/lines is best solution.

    All i can say, "She has to get stagnant of her present day life for a while. And she has to come across best-wonderful persons in day-to-day life and has to know herself what things she is missing, and what things she is drewing her back.

    Even she cannot retain everything , even she cannot own the wonderful one's, atleast she can hold her from ugly. Nothing else can do anything. All the ugly/wonderful play played by sole Heart
     
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  7. vidhyabaskar

    vidhyabaskar Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry. I have not gone through your earlier threads. Your friend is a divorcee, then ? How long did her first marriage last ? Any kids ?
     
  8. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    OP. She has completely shattered following her divorce and has low self esteem. She has to start seeing in herself - the same confident woman full of life that she was before her marriage to the "creature" and got attached to THIS "creature"

    There are a few things she can do. AND you can hold her hand, guide her.

    1) Like some one else suggested, go for counselling
    2) Change her job, even city/state - and go elsewhere (anywhere) where this guy is not able to reach her.
    3) MAke her realize, she is being emotionally, physically and sexually abused.

    Companionship need not always come from a man in a partner-lover relationship. It can come from genuine friendships and yes friends can be from be both man and woman as long as there is no bulls**t. Insecurity and lonely CAN make you vulnerable, but does not HAVE to.

    She needs to make an effort to come out of this rut and she sure is doing to need all the support she can get.
     
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  9. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Her problem is her low self esteem. Refer her to some therapies. More importantly, she needs to get out of this relationship for her own sake and the sake of the family of this man.

    She is a divorcee. Perhaps a middle aged woman. She should not stick to never married or single guys for her next relationship. But some good hearted person, who could accept her as they way she is. More importantly someone without a marital/relationship commitment. Perhaps a widower or a divorcee. I am talking practical about life. But it is not impossible to find someone never married too.

    All she needs is to grow her confidence level, and self dependence, unlike too emotional or depending on someone else for anything. She shouldn't have to go around to find her Mr right, but ask her to develop all the qualities, so that Mr right will soon comes towards her.
     
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  10. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    She might benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist.
    She seems to be suffering from self-esteem issues, and is repeating a pattern of behavior that is creating pain and distress.
    A qualified professional can help your friend work through her feelings, identify destructive patterns and help her work on boosting her sense of self worth.
    In the short term she should try to avoid this man. Of course all these things are easier said than done, and will require significant efforts.
     
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