How do you stay composed in an argument?

If a shouting match starts, take a time-out until both are a bit calmer and then you can discuss the actual points, rather than in a drama way. Follow that approach.

 

Sweeth127, I am amused by your mention. it really is the best way to avoid arguements unless you and your husband thrive on drama.

No bolt out of the blue comes to make us stop arguing. It is us who need to figure out what is a pleasant and efficient way to resolve conflict and exercise self control.

 

I was like you in the past..,. Now a days, I realized it is better not to argue, not to give explanation, not to defend self and justify things, but to focus on something else. The one who really loves us and wants to see the positives of us will see it anyway. The one who wants to accuse us, will do the same no matter how hard we try to prove ourselves. So, better not to argue, not to spoil the relationship, but to focus on something immediately until you are calmed down.

Also, better to ask sorry, and move on from that matter. That gives self pleasure.

Like your H, you can think of moving out of the house, room or switch on TV or talking to a friend etc..etc,,

 

I am learning it too. I just dont want to initiate any argument, if initiated, will tell the jist of what I want to tell in 5 min with a calm tone. Then just move away or deviate myself. No point in defending, justifiying ; its a vicious cirle.

 

i also want to learn that, how do you keep yourself calm, when you are so emotionally charged up and angry??

need to work on this skill badly.....

 

there you go.you have found the problem center and only you can work on it. sometimes, it is easy to accept an apology and let go, instead of holding on to the high horse. especially in relationships. and though not easy to say sorry, it is always good to say sorry if you know you are wrong again not holding on to the high horse.

you think you have a valid point or you know you have a valid point.

that is dignified. if one of us is really angry and wants to argue, the other simply says, let us cool off and talk about it later. i was not this way earlier, but i imbibed this quality from my husband who has always given me the leeway to have a shouting match keeping silent. infact i have even accused him of having a modak/kozhukattai in his mouth lol..heights of hormonal imbalance and stressful days..i find it funny now. it takes two to tango be it fun or fight while fun can be invigorating to a marriage fights sap out the energy.

time out. the thing that comes out highlighted is your need to prove that you are right. sometimes, it not necessary. you could be right in your way, while he could have his own reasons. it is better to think we are right/wrong and discuss about it in a calm way.

see your fights saps out the energy and peels of a few layers..pushing him into a protective mode. we all go into that..when we are hurt/when we are scared of being hurt again, we limit ourselves from talking and stating our opinions.

This is what has worked for me..

Arguments should be about the issue. not about the person. i know it is very difficult to separate the two. but once you are able to do it even a little, you will be in a better receptive frame to understand the other's view point.

never bring past issues into present arguments. you are making the foundations for sourness in your relationship. always try to talk it,finish it off sitting across when you are saner. we do it. we do not escalate an argument. we take a time out,stating that i am right now upset/or too angry that i don't want to say something that would hurt either of us. later when we are calm, say in a hour we will be back discussing why i have this view, and he would come with his view. we then come to a mutual opinion of the issue.

IF you always have arguments/fights on a similar issue, you need think what is the root cause that is resurfacing or triggering every time..

and it is always easy to blame the other person for a fight. sometimes it is not so. maybe a open heart to heart about what is happening in your marriage, in your personal space holds the key. being open and learning to discuss in a matured way and looking for solutions rather than carrying the pieces of this very discussion to another fight.

It is always necessary to have that heart to heart at least every year to have a healthy marriage. we are particular about, dental, eye, health checkups, i believe every marriage needs to remove the any bitterness that is residual.
WE do. we think about what could have been done better, what was silly, what was harsh and say sorry,forgive and forget.

 

Close your eyes; take a deep breath; in a really calm voice say, "I am really angry/ upset/ mad. I need to calm down and think about it before we discuss this."; go away. Regardless of whether the person is provoking you or not, move away. Write/ type a response. Rearrange your thoughts. Think things through. You may have a valid point; that wouldn't make the others' approach wrong; from their perspective, it may be right. When you are ready, (i would practise in front of a mirror before I was ready) calmly go back and state your piece for 2 min. Do not let the other interrupt. Any interruptions and keep saying "let me finish." / "im not done yet"

would seem like supreme effort at first; becomes second nature surprisingly quickly. What more, it gets you tons of respect too!