What to do .plz help!!

Bubuni · Feb 27, 2015

I am married from 7 years.my dh is very nice,caring.but his parents & big bro are not nice towards me.from marriage his big bro is making a mess telling marriage arrangement was not good,my parents didn't treat boyside well etc etc.so they wanted my father to come and say sorry to ils ,bil secretly with out telling us.last moment I came to know and stopped it as why my father will say sorry to bil for nothing.ils always misbehaves when my parent comes to see me.during my delivery time ils told to stay with them,whenever my parents visit to see me ,baby,fil will stick to tv,mil won' t come out stay in bedroom.i suffered a lot that time,every time i visit ils some drama will be made by bil & ils join them showing anger on me.in front of my dh they are nice.when dh is not around they will play mind games.whenever I complain to my husband he was telling to adjust with old ils.
last year we went India for 12days,hubby took fathers car for moving around ,shopping etc(he takes the car when we go there).we & bil's family went shopping in that car.mil told bil that they went shopping in my father's car.he became so angry that he booked a flight tkt same day came 2 hr flight journey then night 12 o clock forcibly taking his family back with him as they sat in my dad's car.Fil Mil Sil all started crying and to pacify angry bil.cosister packed luggage of 3 kids and waited for auto to go to railway station.so much drama.hubby who was first angry on bil for his silly behavior now melted,joined parents and pacified bil.big drama ended 2' o clock at night ,everyone slept ,but it could not.i became very angry on hubby as they are supporting the silly bil's behavior not seeing how much pain I ' m getting from all this.every year bil does some thing like this.but I let it go as in law says he is angry person and advice me to bear.how much can I bear.every time we stay together he does something like this.then mil fil gets angry on me inside,when hubby is not around they explode on me.i' m not talking to bil from last 3 yrs.don't call to their home also.
but that last car incident I became very miserable as if no one to support me,all are only on bil's ,Fil,mil favor.I became very depressed,when coming back I cried a lot before hubby,I didn't get up to go into flight.i sat in the airport and talk very harshly to hubby.what ever came to my mind I spoke before public.
after coming back to us I had hand fracture ,when i call ils they don't talk normally,but when dh calls them they ask him about my hand eagerly.3 day back mils feet finger got fractured.i didn't call them.so dh is upset with me.
my now a days when I tell him so so happened to me in ur home he reacts very angrily.tells me not to keep any relation with his family,he says me to go to my parent's place from airport.he will manage relationship with family members and also inform them not to expect anything from me.
what should I do? Should I accept his terms.is it good for me?without doing anything I am suffering so much,if I don't keep relation with dh family what bad they will tell about me .what to do? Please advice...

guesshoo · Feb 27, 2015

What a piece of work your BIL is!

what is your husband like? Is he a reasonable person? Does he believe you that his folks are being two faced? Since he can't see the abuse from ILs, you can't blame him for the way his parents behave.

Talk to him. (No shouting or drama) Tell him how stressed you feel with all the mind games. Ask him if he will seriously take care of his family members of you went directly to your place. Offer him an alternative like going to his place first for a day and then him dropping you at your place.

Remember that he has seen an ugly scene; he obviously is pissed off with his family but whatever said and done he can't break his ties with them. Don't push your husband to a corner. Be a United front. Tell him you support him and you look to him to prevent abuse.

By bowing down to your ILs you aren't about to get a good DIL tag. So, if your husband is offering you a chance to turn away from those bullies, take it. And totally ignore them. If they create a fuss, remember they are the ones who need to be ashamed of their behaviour not you. Stand tall and be calm. Have some stock phrases up your sleeve to state calmly and walk away - "stop shouting" "we can talk after you calm down." "I will hear you out when you have had a chance to cool down." "Stop this abuse." "You know it is not my fault"

since you you have a child, it is even more important that you out some distance between these lunatics and your child. Stay strong

Bubuni · Feb 27, 2015

My husband is good towards me,my 5 yr old son.he is a workaholic but take care of us.he also knows all the facts that his bro is being unreasonable and parents supporting his bro.As his bro is very short tempered ,egoistic ,very very angry man.he is following bro ,parents leaving me on the other side.if I tell this is wrong plz stand with me,hubby says he is pissed off between me and his family.not to complain to him.if I tell any thing family matter he starts shouting and tells me he don't expect anything for his family for me.i can cutoff from them or adjust with them as his parents are very old.

Bubuni · Feb 27, 2015

My husband is good towards me,my 5 yr old son.he is a workaholic but take care of us.he also knows all the facts that his bro is being unreasonable and parents supporting his bro.As his bro is very short tempered ,egoistic ,very very angry man.he is following bro ,parents leaving me on the other side.if I tell this is wrong plz stand with me,hubby says he is pissed off between me and his family.not to complain to him.if I tell any thing family matter he starts shouting and tells me he don't expect anything for his family for me.i can cutoff from them or adjust with them as his parents are very old.
whenever I tell about all drama or mind game they are playing he is getting angry on me.he never explains calmly only gets angry on any topic about his family.
today whole day I'm crying thinking what's happening in my life.so came here for help.

VanithaSudhir · Feb 27, 2015

Hi Bubuni,

Your husband is in a fix. He is in the middle of you and his family. He definitely can't support you openly, since he must have grown Up with his short tempered brother..He must have psychologically also succumbed to his bro's anger...and parents supporting his behavior ...It is hard to all of a sudden to get bold and oppose...
I think you are angry because your husband is not supporting your view..more than the behavior of your BIL....or ILs..

.You should not spoil your relationship with your husband..You are not going to achieve anything by irking your husband..You remain normal....don't expect your ILs to be kind to you. You behave how your parents have brought you up..if they are not well...inquire about them...be kind...but don't become a slave or expect the same kindness for them..

When you go to India for vacation etc.. stay away from BIL.. Tell your husband you will not take any nonsense from him..Avoid any kind of interaction with him..Maintain a distance from your BIL's family ( can't imagine the plight of your co-sister).. And as your husband suggests, you spend more time with your family....

Your ILs can never meet your expectations and it is pointless fighting with your husband for their acceptance or your husband's support. From your post, I understand that your husband is a nice person...concentrate on your family and keep people who bother you at a safe distance...

Iamagoodgirl · Feb 27, 2015

your husband has suggested you to cut off them.Stop taking phone calls dont accompany your husband to visit them.Reduce any type of contact with them.

indoc · Feb 27, 2015

@OP..
Looks like your BIL is a bully.. and your husband and ILs are feeding his ego..
best way to deal with a bully is ignoring..
and don't expect any support from your husband.. its only you..

yellowmango · Feb 27, 2015

Dear Op...first of all,stop this complaing again and again.You have conveyed your displeasure to your husband.He has accepted their fault.He has gven you a solution....even if he has done this in anger.

Calm down for a few days. Then when both of you are in a good mood....talk to husband.
Tell him you understand that he is being put in a difficult position.Tell him he is your husband and all you want is to be protected from abuse and disrespect...hence you have after a lot of thinking ,decided that his solution is the best for some years.

Tell him you will interact less with in laws...but when the time comes...you are willing to help him out in taking care of them,provided he can protect you from his abusive brother.
Tell him...you will go straight to your parents place for the next few times till things get better and bil gets the message that husband will not allow bil to abuse you.

Tell him he is your husband...and you will place your faith in him that he will protect his wife.

Stop making calls to inlaws. When they call ...you can wish them politely and ask for their well being .....then hand over to husband. Keep your interaction less but respectful.

The message should be clear.
You respect in laws ...and are willing to keep a relationship with them....but you will not have any relationship with your abusive bil.Use the carrot and stick policy. Be polite and generous to in laws...specially in front of husband...but stop the moment bil is mentioned or they try to make you interact with bil.

Your bil is an abuser...you need to cut him and his influence over your family and family life.

Best Wishes Op.