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Help Needed - Depressed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anithakk, Feb 18, 2015.

  1. anithakk

    anithakk New IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Friends, I have been going through a lonely phase of my life .... But still looking out for some help cause my life is slowly coming to a standstill .this depression is not letting me proceed

    " I don't carry my past wounds , but i'm not able to heal my wound cause of no recovery process and new pblm arise, leaving a bigger and bigger wound"

    A brief into abt me,

    1)Born as a second daughter , had an insecured childhood with parents always finding my older sister right(I don't blame them cause thy feel she is correct i can' change it, it is like their frequency match), my activites was never accepted, apreciated and acknowledged(the case is same even now)... I don't take my parents activites serious these days....though it still gives me a insecured background. They behaviour hurts me but no choice but to accept it

    2)Married to a family where a DIL is an outsider no matter wht i do, MIL will never call me (we don't stay together)for them only DIL should call....thy don't enquire abt us , abt my girls even if thy r sick. if v go there to my in laws place also no big deal

    3) Hubby is a soft spoken and Self driven kind of person, he will accept or do something only and only if he accepts it and making him understand something is close to impossible. He believes in the concept of eat sleep and work nothing else, no socilising , no spending time with family , no doing anything different for family.He is also loves his work and for him to take leave or permission to take us to doctor and for any personal work is the most difficult task

    4)I have twins and with twins i have no help except for cleaning

    Now my Problem

    1) i don't have any help to take care of my kids....i just don't get breaks, even if i go to my mom's place she doesn't take care ,she calls me for everything and anything...my MIL is even worse

    2) Cause of multiple reasons i'm dumped inside the house without going out at all taking care of kids and house and even if i go out for dinner or for shopping my hubby is in the phone and i have to remind him to take care of own child ,there are incidents when the kid falls down cause my hubby doesnt take care he wld have picked up a call and small accidents happen...so going out also is a headache

    3) i hve been suffering from depression ever since i lost my first son, as i didn't get proper support i was into aniety

    i'm tired of people calling me troublemaker cause i worry for anything and everything, last few years we ended up in some financial difficulties cause of which breaks, outings etc are restricted. Also extra help is difficult

    Now my Problem is "i want a shoulder that lets me rest on when in pain and not be judged whether my pain is valid or not"

    The reality is EOD i don't have a secured Background, i only have people say "comeon Grow up". I heard this even after my son died

    I wish i had atleast one person to whom i can be myself. Being a extra sensitive person it hurts .

    I might be worrying for small things , but what is this small and big who decides it. something small for somebody might be big for others

    When we were outside india i was undergoing counselling but had to come back to india cause of which i had to stop it. here not able to take it up as even few doctors tht i'm just blowing up....

    Anyways
    Someday i might come out of it but it will definetly leave a big scar on..

    Thank you
     
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  2. Harini73

    Harini73 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi @anithakk,

    Hugs to you dear.Never chase love,affection or attention.If isn't freely given it is not worth having it.(I heard this from somewhere,but i liked the meaning)

    I think you are constantly taking care of your children.Taking care of children without any help is difficult.What is your children age?

    If possible send them to daycare for half a day at least.During that time take rest and take up some hobbies.Or else why don't try for some part time job?So that you will have some outside contact except your children and you can do some socializing also.
    Try and get some time for yourself and take up some hobby for the time being at least.console1 cheer up
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you OP...
    Have you tried to get help for depression?
     
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  4. Shivali3

    Shivali3 Bronze IL'ite

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    First relax my dear, you have been v brave all this time. Now you need some break. I been in kind of your situation so I can really understand what you are going though. Definitely you need a break. Trust me it's matter of few months and situation will be under control. Once your girls are 15months or more handling will be not a problem. They will play among themselves and you only need to supervise. First make your house child friendly so that you can leave them for some time. Meanwhile you can take a power nap or can have cup of tea. This will charge you for another 1 to 2 hours. Plan those activities for them where they both can engage themselves. If possible call someone maid for your help if not everyday then on weekends so that you can plan some outing for yourself like going to palour or for shopping visiting a library etc. this will give you lot of break and happiness. You can join some weekend yoga or meditation classes. Read more in infant people have given wonderful ideas to how to take care of twins.
    thanks
     
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  5. bappanaduSose

    bappanaduSose Bronze IL'ite

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    some tips..
    1.Keep a journal.Like in office,we write down what are the items i am going to work on.
    This helps sometimes.Easier to tick off what we plan to work.

    2.Try online grocery websites like bigbasket.com and order things.This lets us off from going to market to buy groceries there by saving time.

    3.Make sure you take a nap whenever the kids sleep even though ur house is in a mess.You need to take care of yourself to take care of kids.

    4.If you find time,see some comedy serials on youtube..it helps a lot..my mood changes when i laugh for some time...It works!!

    5.Last and not the least..kids grow up and time doesnt remain the same...so when they are a little older..you will get ur me time... :)

    So dont worry and take good care..Dont forget to drink Mother's horlicks!!!!
     
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  6. Shivali3

    Shivali3 Bronze IL'ite

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    First relax my dear, you have been v brave all this time. Now you need some break. I been in kind of your situation so I can really understand what you are going though. Definitely you need a break. Trust me it's matter of few months and situation will be under control. Once your girls are 15months or more handling will be not a problem. They will play among themselves and you only need to supervise. First make your house child friendly so that you can leave them for some time. Meanwhile you can take &nbsp;a power nap or can have cup of tea. This will charge you for another 1 to 2 hours. Plan those activities for them where they both can engage themselves. If possible call someone maid for your help if not everyday then on weekends so that you can plan some outing for yourself like going to palour or for shopping visiting a library etc. this will give you lot of break and happiness. You can join some weekend yoga or meditation classes. Read more in infant people have given wonderful ideas to how to take care of twins.<br>thanks
     
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  7. Meghamegha

    Meghamegha New IL'ite

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    Hi Anita
    I know what you are undergoing. Take sometime to read self help books to boost your self esteem.
    You can't change your husband nor your mother in law or anything In past.
    Learn lessons from past and try to make your future better by feeling good about yourself.
    Start thinking about your positive points, develop some hobbies by doing which you will feel relieved.

    Until and unless you don't realise your worth other people will not give u the value and respect you deserve.
    its easy said then done but try gradually it will show you the results.
    hang on......
     
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  8. anithakk

    anithakk New IL'ite

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    Thanks all dear friends.....feel really happy reading all your msges.....i'm just lookin for some good words in life .....i'm just tired and drained of hearing people around you just telling u r nt doing this u r doing tht...etc etc...i knw for sure i'm doing a gr8 job taking care of my kids but i lack self esteem cause i look for others appreciation which is never and never available in my life

    i had a gr8 friend when we were outside who just makes me feel awesome, no cause of distance and her proprities we are nt in regular touch....so i wish some friend around me....

    i'm actually bad at making friends but once i make one we make a good company....nw i'm nt able to make my circle which makes me feel very lonely

    whenever i make an attempt to open up either i fall sick or my girls fall sick something or the other happens.

    my girls are going to be 3 in march, thy go to a playgroup for 2 hrs, my hubby is nt for half a day moreover my parents and in laws are against them just going to playschool itself.

    everyone things i'm incapable and trying to run away from responsibility

    i'm not trying to convince anybody at home but EOD i feel Worthless.

    By june thy will start going to school till 3pm
     
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  9. suryakala

    suryakala IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @anithakk ,

    I am sorry to go through your post which indicates your anxiety.

    You have joined IL recently, and it will do good for you, provided you get involved in this beautiful interesting and forum for ladies, of all personalities - young, old, Indian, Foreign, happy, unhappy, married, unmarried, outgoing, introverts, all out going, very knowledgeable and totally innocent etc, etc. This community will be with you emotionally without expecting any thing in return!

    As I read your post, I find you are a very very blessed person compared to thousands not so as lucky.

    See the various threads, and the incredible problems some of the IL Sisters are facing and how most of them manage and keep themselves cheerful! Try to reach out and try to interact with them understand and offer your moral support. Do not think about you alone! Try to feel the pain of people who are not so lucky as you and thank God for His blessings for a beautiful family you have as the centre of the family.!

    You will change to a person with confidence, courage and love. You will rediscover yourself and surely find God has given you a lovely life! Instead of seeking help you will spread cheers around you, making your kids and husband laugh a lot happily.

    Best of luck.
     
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  10. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    Managing Twins is not a small feet .It takes so much of energy to look after them.Depression due to lack of proper sleep is common.Get help for depression.

    Although you may want to take a break its not easy for the elders in the family to step in with help for 2 kids.You could request them to take care of one kid at a time and allow them to take care according to thier ways(no conditions please).Sometimes the expectation of looking after the kids in particular ways makes the elders wary .

    Added to the problem is the financial strain which does not allow you the luxury of paid help/ Dhs time.Your Dh too is taking the whole financial strain of providing for the family,so its not easy to take breaks.Understand that he cant afford to miss calls/take time offs.The person who work hard all the week feel like crashing during weekends.

    Enquire about the day care center near by so that you could place the kids under the care for limited time(to maintain sanity).

    The feeling of locked up inside the house is common for MOMs with twins.Instead of trying to get help for the whole day why cant you try part time help like morning 3 to 4 hours.Mainly during the bath time,feeding time ,regular vaccine visits to doctor and while you have your own bath.And you could also do the vaccine and other planned doctor visits during weekend .

    Stop worrying about what others think about you.Its so easy to pass comment and critize others.Be cheerful and satisfied with your deeds. Your kids are in a right age to send them to play school(for half a day).The kids need to get used to the morning routine before the school starts.They should also get used to stay without missing you .
     
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