Fading Love

Denni · Feb 13, 2015

After a decade of marriage I feel like there is nothing much left in the marriage. Marriage becomes sour and there aren’t much to expect and daily life becomes a routine.DH was never a romantic person from the beginning, that’s something that I accepted and learned to live with. He wasn’t like this by nature. When we were dating, he always talked about his ex and how they always spend their holidays and special occasions together. They always go for holidays and my DH was so romantic that he celebrated Valentines day in a 5 star hotel with bouquet of flowers and candle light dinner. Such things never happened to me. He has never taken me or DS for any holiday nor did he bought any flowers for me. I always plan his birthdays extravagantly and full of surprises . I did that for many years . I wanted people around me to be happy but sadly no one cared enough to do the same for me. Bitterness and frustrations made me stop celebrating all occasions except my DS’s birthday .

Our 10[SUP]th[/SUP] wedding anniversary is approaching and tomorrow happens to be Valentines day. My boy asked his dad, what he planned to buy for mummy for valentines day since he has never seen his dad buy anything ever for me. I am not expecting anything from him as I have given up hope long ago. I used to wish silently if he would get for me something and every year I get disappointed. He forgot my birthday the first year we were married. I remember that day perfectly, I have just given birth a month ago and hoped my DH would have a special celebration for me. I waited and waited from morning till night and he did not even wish me. When I asked him if he remembered that it is my birthday and he just looked at me in shock. That’s it….he said sorry that he forgot .

I have lived for this man for the past 10 years. I sacrificed a lot and given up many things in life for him. I was never appreciated, even my boy realises this. A simple kiss on the cheek would do wonders, he don’t even do that. A warm hug would mean a lot but he is not bothered to make anything meaningful. We share a house and nothing much in life, sort of like a housemate. I have personally asked him why he finds it so difficult to do anything for me, he says celebrations are for young people and he has done that in his 20’s. (for his ex!!!)

I felt blessed when my company selected me to attend training on our anniversary. At least I don’t have to get disappointed by this man again. I wont be around to feel that. That feels blissfull. He is not going to miss me anyway as he wont even remember our anniversary.Maybe he remembers his ex’s birthday and their special occasions.

How many of us are living in marriage without love or with a spouse who cant forget their past relationship? I feel that I am married to a stone …..a heartless man. Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging him for being unromantic or not buying me presents. Its more than that. I just want a simple appreciation for being there as his wife, friend and well wisher for the past 10 years.

I am happy though that I have my precious boy. My boy has been making a valentines day card for me. Its worth a million for me. That’s all that matters to me now.

Sorry guys, just venting my years and years of frustrations here. Wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day and guys….please appreciate your better half…they deserve it.

Princess23 · Feb 13, 2015

Hi Denni,

Dont worry dear.I dont have any words to console you. i can understand how hard to be in a relationship with no love. Please talk to him, i feel like he is a good hearted person,but he lost his love in the past so still struggling to express again. you deserve to be loved and you will might be late but soon you will your son is your consoler noone else

Denni · Feb 13, 2015

Dear Princess23,

Thanks for the kind words.

My DH is a good person but he gets zero mark in expressing his love. You are right, he is holding on to his dark memories from his past relationship. She was a bad investment for him and betrayal certainly made him a changed person.

I am a emotional freak and sometimes when I see my friends getting flowers from their husbands .....it just makes me think if I am not worthy of my husbands love. Cant help it.

Anyway , my desires and needs are slowly fading away. Most of the time, we are taken for granted without knowing how much time is left.....sometimes god has his own plan. I just hope spouses are appreciated while they are still there.

Metamorphic · Feb 13, 2015

Denni said: ↑

Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging him for being unromantic or not buying me presents. Its more than that.
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I understand Denni console1 Hugs to you.

anahita5 · Feb 13, 2015

i feel most marriages goes thorough this cycle. The fact that your h is not able to get over his past is a big problem. Pick yourself up and start doing things for yourself. Buy flowers, whatever you want and be happy with your kid. Go out with him and show your husband you don't care. If he ever brings up his ex tell him ' This was 10 yrs ago, i don't think she is thinking about you and spoiling her present' Of course you say this in a better way and many ways. Show him what he is missing out on. My h had some issues after the baby, but i showed him how to have fun with the baby and now he want to go everywhere with the baby.

jskls · Feb 13, 2015

Hi OP

I understand your pain and agony as I know how it is on both sides of the coin. Some people may not be able to express their feelings. They are basically very good natured, kind hearted people but lack expression.

my DH is a very good person in nature and loves me to the core, but has never expressed anything and all our special days had ended in a fight. There were times when I dreaded that these special days shouldn't come at all, & finally I stopped celebrating my special days. when there was a personal tragedy, something inside me died and I couldn't feel any love towards anyone anymore. I took a step back and looked at what I really want, does giving, gives me joy or receiving gives me joy? Am I being good expecting others to be good or being good is my nature? I realized that me stopping the celebrations will however not bring back what I want (to be treated as a normal person with wishes) or what died inside me. I slowly had to gather myself from shattered pieces and decided that I am going to be loving and giving without expecting the same love/joy of receiving.

Believe me it has created wonders and in all these years, I never ever have felt more loved as what you give, you will definitely receive.

Take this as a phase . Sometimes life becomes monotonous and this too shall pass.

TC

dsmenon · Feb 13, 2015

Hi OP,

I second with what @anahita5 suggested. If your DH is still clinging to the past and not seeing the wonderful life he has it is his loss.

You can celebrate your special days with your son. Gift yourself. Dress up. Make plans for you and your son. Go for a dinner with your LO.

Donot wait for your H to buy you gifts or expect any romantic gesture from him.

Hopefully your husband will realize he is making a mistake and will change.

Good Luck!

Rihana · Feb 13, 2015

Denni, I am really sorry to read what you have shared. Even from a stranger on the internet, it is sad to read such a forlorn post. I hope you are able to make life more appealing for yourself in whatever way you can. In addition to what other responses said, I'd like to suggest:

Denni said: ↑

Our 10[SUP]th[/SUP] wedding anniversary is approaching and tomorrow happens to be Valentines day. My boy asked his dad, what he planned to buy for mummy for valentines day since he has never seen his dad buy anything ever for me.
Click to expand...

Try to be neutral when your boy brings up the question of why dad doesn't buy anything for mummy. You needn't make excuses for your husband, and you also needn't explicitly agree with your son. You could listen to him, drop in an oh/aah/hmm, and maybe a generic observation about celebrations. Don't let your disappointment with your husband impact the little one's relationship with his father.

I am happy though that I have my precious boy. My boy has been making a valentines day card for me. Its worth a million for me. That’s all that matters to me now.
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The sadness at the lack of romance and tiny gestures of appreciation from husband can be deep. You might seek to find that from other sources. Don't make your boy a source. If he makes a Valentine's card for you, appreciate it as any mom will appreciate a card from her child. Don't overdo the appreciation; don't make him feel he is the only one who appreciates and loves you, and he is all that matters to you.

Note this well: If you do that, he will internalize that idea, and it will lead to pressure on him as he unwittingly appoints himself a deliverer of what is missing in your life. Over time, this can really mess up your relationship with your child, and how the child views his father and other people.

Sorry guys, just venting my years and years of frustrations here. Wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day and guys….please appreciate your better half…they
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deserve it.
Click to expand...

Denni, I am not going to say your frustrations are unreal. But, it is also true that in many Indian marriages anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine's Days are not really 'celebrated' celebrated. The simple hug, kiss on the cheek and visible appreciation for being there as a wife, friend and well-wisher are often absent.

Is he a good father? Are there any other positive qualities you can list? Is he easygoing? Helps willingly around the house? You have an almost equal say in decisions? In-laws?

I suggest you try to take the high road for the 10th anniversary. Keep it simple. A week or so before it, simply suggest going out for dinner - all three of you. Pick a slightly fancy place. As the day comes nearer, don't nag, vent, or bring up his unromantic nature. Simply go out for dinner that day.

Some time later, you can discuss the matter with him. Instead of "You never do this, that..." you can present it as a difference in your natures, and a difference in what each expects. "I wish for ..... You view it as something done in 20's only. Is a compromise possible.. I also like our son to see parents being a little more visibly affectionate"

sdiva20 · Feb 13, 2015

Firstly, Happy Valentine's Day to you. Your husband may not appreciate your worth and make any celebrations special for you but you are a special person for many others in your life like your son, your family and all your friends.

I am saddened to read your story but looks like your have made peace for the sake of your child. My advice will be to create a social life outside of your marriage and do the things that make you happy.

I somehow do not believe that in Indian marriages, we do not celebrate happy moments and milestones. After all, your husband did all that for his ex. It does not have to be a gift or flowers. It does not have to be doing anything special on any given day. But showing no appreciation or affection for your wife does not fall into the definition of normal. If he had nothing to give to this marriage, he should never have got married. It is really unfair to you Denni.

I do hope you find other avenues for happiness from those that love you. I agree that your son should not be the only one filling that void in your life that is created your husband. It will bring undue pressure on him as he grows up.

heron · Feb 13, 2015

We have been a over all good couple for 9 years. But I found out something he was hiding( purposefully or not, I dont care) all these years, it was not funny. Something changed in me, its like: I am good enuf to forgive but not fool enuf to forget... I feel so sad things turned up like this after all the emotions I put in. He dosnt get what I am trying to say. He says he is hurt too. But I am too tired to question anything. I have given up.

After a whole year of ' how could you do this to me'... I now realise I have ONE life. I dont have to be Jhansi Rani but my kids must look up to me. This is me right now.