I have changed a lot!

deepideepi · Jan 29, 2015

Hi ladies,

Yesterday i was discussing with my husband about my relationship with my inlaws. My husband said that i always think about negetive side. I always think about what wrong my in laws did with me but never remember what good things they did for me. As somehow i have made my space in in laws family and now there mouth are shut, still i m not able to forget my past experience with them.

Before my marriage i was working women. I never bothred about what is happening in my relatives life or friends life. I never hurt anybody and never get hurt by anybody coz neigther i interfere others life, nor i expected anything from them. I fought for wrong think, fought for men and women discrimination and so many things. Not only for myself but for others too. I always stand for them who were weak n can't stand for themself and i never bothered about what other people will say about me.

My family never stoped me for anything. They always supported me for anything i did coz they knew that i know my limit. I was living my bold life then.

Now i wonder how a marriage change people. Marriage totally changed my personality, my thinking, my behaviour, an entire me. In my marriage life there are total four phase where i found changed in my behaviou
r.

First phase
In my first phase i was silent and sweet. I accepted my in laws as my own family. My marriage is love marraige and husband coveinced me that his family is so good and if i behave good to them they will love me like a daughter and sister. I obeyed every thing whatever my in laws ordred me right or wrong(which is totally opposite of my personality). MIL & SIL domineted mr(this was also not me). I was tortured during my pregnancy and did many thing which i hated doing that. List is never ending but i toloreted all those thing which i can't believe i did those days. I feel how stupid of me and how did i brought those streangth to tolorate and not fought back.

Second phase
Second phase was that when i feel like now this it. Now i m no gonna tolorate anything coz it was affecting my marriage life and health. There was huge fight 2 3 times with my inlaws(MIL & SIL) and my husband also supported me for that. I m proud of him for what he did. Its not easy for everyone. This time i showed them 50% of my real face coz it is so difficault to be which we r not. Its like stopping strom inside us. If we don,t let it come outside it will definately effect us, very badly.

Third phase
In my third phase i started searching in internet about in laws. How they behave, what r their point of view, how other DIL are doing etc. As i didn't have any friend in this country internet became my friend. Specially indusladies where i share my question and quiries. In this phase i learned how to handle them. How to make my husband understand me more. Not to expect from inlaws etc. Which was very hard to serve them, take care of them and expecting nothing from them. However i tried to do that for shake of my family's happiness.

Fourth phase
This phase is my recent phase. 24/7 i m thinking about my past. i have became very negative personality.I am always thinking about how to take revenge from them. How to make them realise what they did to me. Exposing them. Only these things are running in my head. I am not able to do friendship coz i,ve started seeing only negative part of other individuals. I,ve started beliveing that nobody loves me and care for me except my husband, daughter, my parents and my siblings. I feel that nobody is good around me and if they do someting good to me and my family, i start thinking of his/her motive behind being kind to us.
This phase is being more difficult for me bacause of my in laws behaviour now i m thinking about whole world like them. Even about my meternal relatives i have started thinking same.

Do u guys also feel the same about the whole world? How to feel positive? It it very difficult to live this way. I feel lonely and left away.

Joyoflife · Jan 29, 2015

Been there done that. Completely understand where you are coming from. You are saying nobody loves you except your husband, daughter, parents and siblings but isn't that good that you have so many people in life who love you to the moon and back. Isn't it wonderful that their life without you won't be same. ITs not just you marriage does change us and sometimes takes a huge toll on our personality. But that's life.

Do do some yoga and meditation. It really helps. Spend quality time with your daughter and husband. Take life as it comes. When you have a supportive husband life becomes a blessing. It's really good to let the negative baggage go. I know it's hard but make it your habit. There was a time when my mil used to live in my head 24/7 but not anymore. I have gained some control on my mind. Go for long walks. Your daughter needs to see a positive and strong mother.whenever you have negative thoughts in mind just count your blessings. If possible start working or do some volunteer work. To let the negative go I have started volunteering in a hospital one day in a week. Which has really changed me. I have become really thankful in life. Thank God that you have a good supportive husband, thank god that you have a healthy and happy child, thank god that you have supportive parents and sibling with so many positives who cares about negative mil and sil.

sherlock · Jan 29, 2015

I am a white American, and, when I was married, I would not accept any disrespect from anyone towards my wife from my mother.

I feel a man's primary responsibility is towards his wife and children, and nothing can be allowed to disturb the family harmony, even it is coming from his own blood. You make a vow to God for your wife, how can this be ignored.

I feel your DH has to take a stand on this if he knows it is going on. He has defended you in the past, so that is a very good man.

If your children see you being treated with disrespect, how will they respect you?

Don't dwell on revenge as that will force a very ugly situation...most likely permanent. Talk with your husband and say you will not be present with the in-laws are there. No one should have to live on their knees or in a private Hell.

God Bless You and take the most Christian path of forgiveness.

Iamagoodgirl · Jan 29, 2015

I think you are hurt a lot emotionally to the point of emotionally bankrupt!.
These things i suggest to make yourself better.
Do something for yourself daily! It could be anything from applying facemask to listening your favorite music.You need to give yourself love.
You need to receive love from others too.Dress really nice and go out with husband.Let him give you affection and compliments.Look for people who are on your side.Your mother your aunt who can give you warmth.Even pet would do.

yellowmango · Jan 29, 2015

Op...the first three changes happen in a lot of cases.It is a part of growth and finding oneself.
The fourth change is not good for you.Like joyoflife has mentioned....count the people who love you and the positives in life.

There is no revenge against them that can be had without hurting the person related to them by blood...the person who loves you so much.

The best revenge is to live a good life. Aim towards that.Make sure from now on you lead the life you want.Stop being pushed around ....or being the silent good dil.You are a good person...just be that.Be fair to yourself and others...like you were in the past.That will be the best revenge.

Stop discussing the past with your husband. Don't bring them up unless they are presently causing you grief.If they do...then remind husband that they are again trying to hurt you .Just concentrate on living the way you want to. Put your energy towards making a better future rather than the bitter past. The past cannot be changed...your future can.
Good luck Op.

dsmenon · Jan 29, 2015

OP, i have been through Phase - 1 and then jumped directly to Phase - 4 (minus the revenge part).

I have understood and accepted that only 4 people care for you in your life - Your parents, Siblings, Your DH and ur kids. And that is what should matter.

Take this negativity out of you and start focusing on YOU. Don't waste your energy on people who don't even deserve to be in your thoughts.

I know it is easy to say but trust me it is easy to practice that.

Good Luck!

Rihana · Jan 29, 2015

OP, you have analyzed your past phases well. Use that clarity which you have to your benefit. A fifth phase might read like this:
---
Fifth phase: I am now at peace with all that my in-laws did. It was hard to move on, but I have. I do not beat myself up over what happened - I acted based on the knowledge and experience I had at that time. I've realized that reliving the past in my mind harms my marriage and hurts us. Now I know that this is what many people go through and it is fine. Some rain has to fall in each life, and I am done with my share.
---

It will take time. Don't vent to your husband. Don't discuss with him your relationship with in-laws. He already knows all that happened, and is not blaming you in any way. Don't seek his approval or recognition from him of the suffering you went through.

Vent here, or to a close friend. Slowly turn in to a person who is happy inside out and at peace with herself, and watch your husband fall even more in love with you, and appreciate the gem he married.

Most of life's problems we solve with help of spouse, but not in-laws problem. Think about it - if your parents were mean to your husband, would you like to discuss it often? No.

This bears repeating - do not seek his approval of your current feelings towards his family, and do not seek more recognition from him of the suffering you went through.

Heal at your own pace, and in your own way. Meanwhile, no long discussions about in-laws.

sunshine1970 · Jan 29, 2015

HI I was stuck in your phase 4 for years. I wanted them to pay for all they did to me. Who did it hurt, just me, and my marriage, my DH got sick of hearing about it, along with all my friends and family, cause that's all I would talk about. I was hurting myself the most, cause I was stuck in holding on to anger and grudges, while those people (IL) enjoying their life and did not even care about me. I told myself I have to be like them . I researched emotional detachment and am still working on it, but it helps, it takes time, I stopped caring what they said about me, what they did in past, stop discussing it. Just left it at bad karma in my relationships. Fast forward about three years, and they are begging to have a relationship with me that is not so formal, I do not call them, spend time with them, except the occasional birthday or special event. I keep everything surface level. They realized what they lost, but I do not care, cause I do not want to analyse their behaviour I want to control mine. Try to move on and emotionally detach with them and keep your meetings, communication to bear minimum. Hopefully your DH is on board.

Littlebird · Jan 30, 2015

Hey there,

The problem at hand is that you self sacrificed yourself in stage 1. You agreed to force yourself to be someone else, against your needs. While your inlaws freely did what they did to you, it is you who allowed them. It is you who agreed to bend yourself to their will.

That being said, the best way out is to first and foremost, forgive yourself for what you did to yourself. For going against yourself and allowing others to treat you the way you did. You must feel the hurt, and the pain, and all the bad feelings, and feel them, let them flow.. then they will leave you.

You must also ask your inlaws to forgive you for your behavior. Hear me out on this one. Because of your behaviour, you allowed them to treat you this way. So they are confused with themselves aswell. If you forgive them for your behavior, and clearly state the truth that now you will be yourself, you will open the gate to letting go of all the negative energy.

Tell them the truth that marriage was obviously a new thing to you and you made a bad decision out of overkindness to others. That you wanted to love them but did it the wrong way and did not give yourself chance to let the love come more naturally over time. By being over kind to others you hurt yourself. And that let them know that if they are willing, accept the real you. Let them know it will take time for you, and accept it will take time for them as well. So they shouldn't have any expectations over your changes for the better.

It will take courage to do this. Those who want to stick to their old patterns and try to force you to do things, well, you will now be able to not bother. Because you did your part and asked for forgiveness for what you permitted them to do. If they don't want to get over their new bad habit, that is their problem.

Its ok to get emotional and weak over this. Its humble. Don't hold yourself back anymore, because there will come a time the burden gets so much you will forget who you are. It is a terrible way of life.

Permit yourself to be free. Yes, they did wrong things to you, they could have chose not to hurt you after you opened yourself to them the way you did. So do not ignore this. But at the same time, by forgiving yourself and asking for forgiveness from others for genuine reasons, you are allowing yourself to let go of the resentment towards yourself and them. How they react after, will surprisingly not hurt you, as long as you choose not to take it personally.

Make sure you do not take things personally. This happens if you create false pride or too much self importance over others. It is natural for these things to come if you sacrifice yourself, because it is like a defense mechanism. If something they say or do hurts you, let the feeling through and flow, and it will go. It is important to let this happen or else you are basically denying the truth that they hurt you. When anyone hurts you, tell them. Sometimes the hurt is because you take something personally, when there is no reason to feel the hurt. Be open minded and open your heart to figuring out the false truths you may have accepted. So you can let them go.

I hope the best for you. I somehow found your post and joined this site just to tell you this.

Nida

Jas8085 · Jan 30, 2015

Same situation as mine. Phase4 was really long for me - 4years (perhaps because my husband supported my inlaws and I was constantly fighting with him).

I'm in phase 6 now :biggrin2:

Phase5 : Getting inlaws out of my life and mind. I completely stopped speaking to them. No phone calls, no emails - absolutely nothing. I used to still think about them. even if my husband made fun of me or when I did something stupid, I used to think "oh my inlaws will love this". They were still on my mind. I started to take up challenge. 1 week without thinking of them challenge! I used to reward myself if I won

phase6: I don't think of them, I don't care what they think of me, I don't talk about them. They don't exist for me. I've completely detached myself from them. Sometimes (very rarely) I ask my husband if he spoke to them and if everything is ok. I can't believe how detached I am when I ask him this! I don't care about the answer!!!!
SIL - she doesn't even exist! I don't even ask about her. I just don't care anymore!