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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Komik, Jan 18, 2015.

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  1. Jan 18, 2015 #1
    Komik

    Komik Silver IL'ite

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    I married Indian guy about year ago, (I am Polish) now I am in my country, to manage some house/money issues.
    Anyway, I already bought ticket to India on February, but my husband is threatening me or Ill move daparture date few days earlier, or he will divorce me!
    He wants just to.prove his ego.

    I am affraid to back to India, before there was many fights between us, I suspect it will be the same now.
    I used to post on this forum some time ago abt that.
    How can loving partner claim conditions like that, putting on table his huge EGO against marriage?

    I feel like slapped in.face, used to belive he loves me, now I doubted it.
    Few days before that he told me if i need operation , (gall bladder removing)he wont pay for it.
    Before he used to say"Come to India soon, Ill pay for everything"
    I feel like , if I need any care he just will treat me like trash.
    He is not poor, so thats not abt money issue.

    What should i do now?
    Is that how your husbands are treating you?

    I feel.all his love was a lie.
    All he cares is his ego, nothing alse.
     
    Komik, Jan 18, 2015
    Komik, Jan 18, 2015
    #1
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  2. Jan 19, 2015 #2
    steve

    steve Platinum IL'ite

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    I think you already know him. Your heart and mind is clear about it. You are only silencing that by wishful thinking or looking for a miraculous turn-around. Bright future belongs to those who make wise decisions. It's a bad idea to put good money after bad money.
     
    steve, Jan 19, 2015
    steve, Jan 19, 2015
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  3. Jan 19, 2015 #3
    poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Is that possible, in your absence he is brainwashed against you and he is having second thoughts about the marriage? It is quite common that Indian parents will not accept an outsider as their DIL. Thus, he may be trying to prove it to himself, his made the right choice in his life?
     
    poovai, Jan 19, 2015
    poovai, Jan 19, 2015
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  4. Jan 19, 2015 #4
    Komik

    Komik Silver IL'ite

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    Poovai, I think its possible as my MIL.was against our marriage very much, and showed it to me clearly.
    And he is mama's boy.
    And that is driving me crazy all the time, coz I m asking myself did he married me or his mom?
    I have heavy heart, dont know what to do now.
    Once he says all is /will be fine, once i feel it will be one big disaster
    Wheter i come or not it may give me pain I feel.

    I just need advice what to do from.Indian females as I am counting on miracle, hoping he will change…
    Will he change?
    He wants rule everything, I cannot accept that.
    Cannot obey anything he says, he cant understand that.
    I dont want feel.like in jail again, like I felt last time.

    I dont know is it cultural issue or just personality issue.
    As I look on my MIL ,she let him do whatever he want, never says a word.
    Even if he fights.
    Instead she blames me for everything.

    After year in India i should know some of culture, and I do I think.
    But many of couples I ve seen loook so peacfully and living in harmony.
    And I always think."why my.marriage cant be like that?"
     
    Komik, Jan 19, 2015
    Komik, Jan 19, 2015
    #4
  5. Jan 19, 2015 #5
    ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    It's quite possible he is marrying you for Visa, for entry into your country. Have you sponsored him, has he received any sort of Visa ....... same thing happened to me ..... except this was arranged marriage
     
    ChennaiExpress, Jan 19, 2015
    ChennaiExpress, Jan 19, 2015
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  6. Jan 19, 2015 #6
    poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Indian marriage system is different and complicated with the extended family. It is hard to separate your DH from rest of his family. He is a package along with his family and their "baggage". It is my opinion, unless you get along with his mom, your marriage will tend to be a problem in a long haul. If we have to live in India, it is not easy. It is up to you to decide, how to proceed further.
     
    poovai, Jan 19, 2015
    poovai, Jan 19, 2015
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  7. Jan 19, 2015 #7
    Komik

    Komik Silver IL'ite

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    Mine was love marriage, no he didnt got any sort of visa or citizenship, and he never wanted leave India.
    Even I wish , but he wouldnt live in Poland.
    He would get citizenship after 4 years, but would never leave India, he is affraid to live abroad.
    Also he is more wealthy than me, so makes no.sense for him.marry me for money, and he knew it.
    I belive it was from love, only will we able to live togheter…

    He spent some money to bring me to India, now he is all the time reproaching me that thing.
    Even once he shouted , if he would marry indian girl, he would get dowry…
    In Poland husband get no dowry.

    I feel.he excpects me to be typical indian wife, which Im not able to be,
    but im not excpecting him to be typical polish husband.
    So there should be compromise .
    But it seems too dificult.

    I dont want ask him for permission whenever i want go out, or do anything,
    dont want obey everyhing he says, coz I am human and have human rights.
    Dont want behave like he is the most important person only and I have nothing to say abt anything.
    Cant live like that.
    I need someone clarify me is it the culture or just him behaving like tjhat.
     
    Komik, Jan 19, 2015
    Komik, Jan 19, 2015
    #7
  8. Jan 19, 2015 #8
    poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    I lived in India till my collage days and then, moved to abroad after my marriage. I may not be the right person to describe the Indian marriage system.

    Yes, I do everything with my husband's acknowledgment (more of information not that I need a permission). It is not necessarily that I am an obedient wife. May be, it is a practice, I observed from my grandma, aunties, mom and following the same. It is a cultural thing, married lady will not/should not go or do things by herself without her husband's approval. Dowry is a show off, more of society/social status...sort of bragging among the elders about the money brought into the family by their DIL. These unwritten rules are from older generations. Still, some families strictly practices the same. Most loosened up, adopted to western culture.

    You see, parents money (inheritance) doesn't come for free and there is a tag attached. To me, your husband is adhering to family rules because of their money.

    You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
     
    poovai, Jan 19, 2015
    poovai, Jan 19, 2015
    #8
  9. Jan 19, 2015 #9
    Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, I may be totally wrong here, but I think he just married you for fun. You may have been serious about it. But he may have just played it.

    Will he change? People don't change unless there is some motivation for change. Does he have any motivation for change? The motivation should be seen by him. He is rich, in his own comfort zone, what is his motivation?

    Call his bluff and tell him if he wants to divorce, go ahead. If he really loves you, he will not do that. If not, you are better off without him.

    I am really sorry to be blunt here.
     
    Akanksha1982, Jan 19, 2015
    Akanksha1982, Jan 19, 2015
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  10. Jan 19, 2015 #10
    Komik

    Komik Silver IL'ite

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    The money he earned , he gained by himself, so its not about his famjly money (in meaning heritage or kind).
    Acknowledge about where Im going/what doing , sure, thats obvious, but also he should obey the same rules, shouldnt he?

    Wife must not do anything without husband aproval…
    I cant live all the time like that.
    Maybe elder generation does so, but younger also?
    So if I wanna go out , I cant coz husband wont let me?
    If i want eat breakfast must not coz husband wont let me ?
    How can it be?
    If he says "sit" i must sit?
    How can i resist it.
    I wanted have peacfull, happy life.
    With respect, love, what you are saying mean its not possible,
    wife should be under husband power what makes her life miserable.
    No respect, no freedom, what kind of life is that.
    I feel if it is strictly culture thing I wont convince my husband to that.
     
    Komik, Jan 19, 2015
    Komik, Jan 19, 2015
    #10
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