Mid-thirties, Stuck and Seriously Worried - Help !

madras2018 · Jan 9, 2015

Ladies,

I am a 35 y/0 in a 3 yr marriage that has never been con-summ-ated due to DH's E.D issues. Tried specialist medical treatment, therapy, vacations - but not much improvement at all. DH has no faith in counseling, refuses to go again. Hopes things may fix themselves with time.

DH otherwise a nice guy, educated, funny, always helpful - we have affection but we lack sexual and romantic chemistry . We have otherwise ok life, nice inlaws & parents but nothing seems to compensate for the big void in my life - depression has impacted my health. DH fed up with trying to solve issue and feels pessimistic abt future together due to baggage of sadness we carry.

Ticking biological clock and endless wait giving me sleepless nights. Torn between being thankful for what i have and settling for a bland life, platonic marriage n IVF kids vs. taking a bold risk, moving on from this to salvage any remaining hopes for a normal married life (family supportive, i can work). I worry abt the serious lack of quality men in my age group, if it comes to that.

Set a deadline to decide but both options seem painful n daunting. Shld i be giving more time .. If so how long ? Or is my life already OVER ??

Resolution ideas ?

MalStrom · Jan 9, 2015

Please go to counseling on your own, if your husband refuses. It will help you to sort out your feelings.
You have given this marriage 3 years. One of the most important components is lacking, and there seems to be no resolution. If you are already depressed, how do you think things will improve going forward?
If you have a supportive network and are financially independent it may be the right time to move on. Suggest a trial separation and see if that makes your DH more willing to work things out. Otherwise if one person is miserable for a very valid reason and the other one has their heads stuck in the sand there is no resolution.
Do not bring children into this marriage unless you resolve the other issues.

confusedwoman · Jan 9, 2015

There is a shortage of NORMAL guys in mid to late thirties who are single, well settled and Indian for sure. It can be tiring and time consuming to search out your ideal partner especially if the initial marriage was ok to begin with except for the physical intimacy. I would say give it time and IVF. Once the pressure of loosing you is off, your husband may improve.

steve · Jan 9, 2015

Just back off from pressuring him into fixing himself. He probably knows his limitations. If you like everything else about him and he does with you, hang in there. You should discuss these issues with him and take him into confidence. If you work this out jointly you may arrive at some agreeable future course. He will feel better to do that than kicking himself not knowing what's going on in your head.

Have an open channel of communication with him sharing even deepest darkest thoughts both ways. You will grow as friends and may actually have a lasting happy marriage.

Rihana · Jan 9, 2015

You have:
nice guy, educated, funny, always helpful, affection, he tried to solve the issue, supportive family, you can work

You lack or worry about:
sex, kids, sexual chemistry, romantic chemistry, ticking biological clock

You want:
normal married life, sex, kids, romance

"Normal married life" in mid-30's is not so rosy. Often, sex is a rarity, life is busy with young kids, husband and wife very busy with careers, and really connect only in vacations or long weekends. If you get to actually see inside some "normal married lives", you may want to hang on to what you have.

My suggestion:
- Back off from a medical fix to his issue for now.
- Calmly bring up the fact of ticking biological clock. Go for IVF.
- From steve's post above : Share your deepest darkest thoughts both ways and grow as friends.
- Check out methods of satisfying yourself physically, with his help if possible.

Sex is highly overrated. Normal married life is highly overrated.

I am not sure how important a biological kid is to you and him. If I were in your position, I might follow my suggestions, but skip the IVF. Give the marriage and relationship another year or two to settle and adapt to the unusual circumstances, and when marriage is sufficiently strong, go for adoption. Sorry to be so "analytical", but adopting a child who is a baby or even older will be easier on the marriage than struggling with the challenges of IVF and baby. I would also look into the future - how old we want to be when child is in college.

docathome · Jan 9, 2015

Pls go for some counselling even if ur husband is unwilling to accompany you. Each person is different and how important the physical aspect of your relationship is to you only you will be able to decide. Especially since you feel the other aspects of your relationship are alright, many would feel it is a better option to continue in your present relationship. However you need to decide if you can accept such a life and be happy long term.

madras2018 · Jan 10, 2015

Thank you all.

Here's my thinking and some addl thoughts added to the mix :

I feel cheated because I was virtually coaxed into this marriage despite resisting and warning my family b4 marriage about jarring signs that things were not right - i regret failing my instincts.

DH's passive nature, lack of his initiative in initimacy, somwhat effeminate behavior at times & bad s** in the few times we tried has killed attraction 4 me (faint to begin with). he views sex as a means of procreation not recreation, doesnt appreciate when i dress seductively or scantily- tells me to cover up / dress decently. Get the vibe that he views marriage as the formal straight laced contract as it existed in orthodox families. when i initiate pda he deflects it / makes jokes abt me - eg : protests when i try sitting on his lap, not fully comfrtble w. cuddling. Net result, i feel i've missed out on the whole experience of living with a man.

Due to compromising despite all of the above, i get mad when he nitpicks on housekeeping or money. He lacks the zest for life. It's in his powers to change, but appears to lack will & skills (per counselor). he's resigned to the way things are, hates discussing this topic & has given me the option to leave if i cant cope.

It's not easy with these set backs - i caved in, am on anti depressants and went into a shell, cut off from social circle due to inability to come to terms with it. I am tearful when i see friends/reltives happily married and having kids. Atleast they must have attraction, enthusiasm for life and intimacy going for them i imagine. To fix my depression, feel the urge to do what i can to salvage whats left of ny life. Leaning more towards leaving but hurts as i feel i'm letting go of an otherwise decent guy - when i see the stories of adultery, addiction and phy abuse, this seems better but then this is no walk in the park either.

madras2018 · Jan 10, 2015

Rihana - Thanks. Individually we each wld like to have biological children. not interested in adoption. I feel i wld be making things worse by having kids at this time when i am not happy and may be locking myself in prematurely. Also, is it weird that i dont seem to be excited abt having his kids ? i am bit freaked out if this issue is genetic. I used to be a vivacious, fiesty woman earlier, but i feel old, sad, shut in and losing my own zest for life. nothing appeals to me anymore.

normally i wld not be against ivf, but i question why i must punish my body and myself for a guy with whom sex is neither attractive not likely and better yet, the problem is not my own making or choosing. if it was a love marriage / my own reproductive issues maybe. but any other reason rankles me as i have become resentful of how much this marriage is expecting of me and how little i am getting back.

gauridinesh · Jan 10, 2015

I think you need to look at this objectively and leave the 'sex', the 'kids' and the 'romance' out of the equation.
1) Are YOU happy with this guy. Happy would be defined as -YOU feel emotionally connect to this guy. As a husband, he should be the one you should be able to open up about any issues you have -minor (i have a tummy ache) to major (i think I want to kill myself ).
2) IS this changing you and making you more depressed as a person. Even if you have a baby,(IVF or no IVF) do you see yourself happy with the kid in another 10 years ,living with the same man? The kid is not the end of the road. Your physical and emotional needs will still remain after you have the kid too. Do you think you can live with a kid and the same man for 30 more years?

If you have answered NO to any of the above answers - it is time to reconsider the whole relationship. You may be perceived as selfish, but YOU are the priority. YOU need to think about YOU before anyone else. Talk to your parents openly about this and take a good decision.

Ivanhoe · Jan 10, 2015

madras2015, I really empathize with you in your predicament. IMHO sex is an absolutely important and essential ingredient in marriage and no amount of counseling will substitute that. Well, your experience clearly brings out the limitations of marriage. So, going by tradition we should just accept and adjust to the situation. See what best can be done and leave it at that. Count your blessings and try to be contended and happy. Or else tell me what other options (unless radical) can you have?