14 years into marriage. 8 years housewife. So many years I have been working .my husband disapproves my working although he had supported me strongly to do my bachelor in education.in-laws never wanted me to work.frequent fights, husband shows signs of hyper behaviour.shouts on top of his voice in anger.finds faults continuously, picks on me all the time.in short hates me.he wishes me dead each day.recently he said there was more salt in something and on replying back, he put his finger into the boiling curry.i cannot take this anymore.he then says I should leave my job.i dunno whether problem is my job or me itself.how can I be sure things will change if I leave the job.should I risk.my parents on the other hand have zero savings and I want to help them with dignity.husband is ready to help them and is still helping them, but I somehow feel that maybe deep down the Line the extra burden on him is the reason for our sourness.situation cannot reverse as my mom is having a terminal illness.i am totally at my wits end.he says he will help even if I leave but I am sure he won't forget to mention it at the drop of a pin.he is nice sometimes but is showing signs of violent behaviour.what should I do.i have to resign in December.am doing very well in the job front.will leaving help....."
From what you have written, it appears to me, that you & your DH need is some quality time with each other. Since both of you are unable to spend any peaceful time, life is very stressful. You may be handling your job and house, but unfortunately your DH is not getting the attention that he used to get when you were not working. My suggestion would be to get a maid for all household chores, so you are relaxed and can spend your time just for yourself or with DH and in-laws at home. Even if you spend 50% of your pay in keeping a maid, the left over money is still yours to spend, and you also can stay stimulated instead of getting stuck only within 4 walls. Having a maid helps ! It is a decision that you and DH has to take jointly though. You should point out how work gives you time to keep yourself occupied, and keeps you refreshed as your brain is stimulated.
Easier said than done dearies.will never be accepted.know him best.everything becomes an issue.cannot talk or give my opinion.besides am not living in India.
Please never leave your job . Economic independence is your greatest asset . No matter what money is the root cause of any problem . Husbands may feel ashamed to admit it but thats a hard core truth . Have experienced it myself.
That's what yar.i could never understand the reason behind his anger.but I think it is the extra burden of my parents which is angering him.he is doing a lot for them but deep down maybe feeling cheated.dunno.years have passed and I am still figuring out,,Many friends advised me to leave the job but I want to live with dignity.my job is my contribution towards my husband and parents.any arguement and he has to say what he has done. He is the best sons in law I am sure, also the best father ,the best son,but towards me he is different.all are happy because they couldn't have asked for more.nobody knows the situation in our sour relationship..the world it's selfish.people like to see with tinted glasses.my married life is on the verge of break up .but I dare not open my mouth.a thin thread remains. There are people who manage so well. I am trying to be like themi. I think I am not perfect.i am very demotivated.no-one appreciates my cooking cleaning or washing. Everything is seen with jaundiced eyes.my parents on the other hand have never said it but I know deep down they don't won't me to leave the job To all u ladies out there ,do tell ur parents to take a policy or fd.you never know what terminal illness comes in old age.it is very difficult for daughters yaa. Some of u advise me to stand up for my rights,!!!!I cannot. the situation at home becomes so volatile.shouting and temper tantrums.he needs help.but I dare not say that. I think I should quit and give my relation a last chance.although I know my job is only another excuse to hate me.i am trapped between parents and husband.no girl should go through this.i will leave it to god.
I didn't realize you were not in India. Is there a possibility of part-time work ? That way you get to come early and finish work, and get some time to relax too before your DH. I would rather you explore few options before you decide to quit on your job. Quitting your job may actually NOT be the solution, as if you quit your job your DH would start to "feel" the "burden" of supporting your Mom soon. I agree, he needs help in anger management for sure. But in practicality, I don't think you can pursue him to see a Doctor at this stage. I would rather you find some work-arounds, cool him off and then move ahead for treatment if he has not improved yet. That way, you can also point out to him, the steps you took to accommodate him and his anger. Hope things get better for you soon. Cheers, JM
Dear OP, If your husband is a good father, good son in law, good son and good at being a provider, you might have to validate that once in a while. Some men are brought up in such a way from childhood, that when they do something right they are praised. If you don't do that and instead tell him what you yourself are doing, it won't seem correct to him. Next time just agree when he says he did this or that for your parents, for your kids, for your family. Say you are right, you are a very good dad, very good on in law, we are lucky to have you. If he says salt is less, say ok will correct it, do you think half tea spoon is enough. Keep calm when he gets upset, you can address your concerns after he calms down. When he asks you to quit, say its for your own well being and you get depressed if you don't work, say you are aware your husband can support your family and your parents by himself. You just nat tow work as if you don't you get bored and depressed. Don't expand any more not his. Try this method, and see if it works. I am suggesting this as your husband seems to be good at other things except your relationship.
Dear op, I would say quit the job and give your relationship a chance. Your dh has done a lot for your parents. So by quitting job maybe your dh will feel better that you can also sacrifice ( for him). If after quitting job his behavior is the same , since you are good at job front can get your job back. So its nothing wrong in quitting. And also you would feel that you did your best to keep the relationship. You would get a sense of satisfaction. But do talk to him about the pros and cons of you quitting and if he still insists on you quitting, then do it. Hope this helps.
Please do not leave the job. May be reduce the number of hours if possible. Take some extended leave if that is an option. Hire a maid to help out with household chores. Just be patient and focus on your mom's health. Just ignore and be nice with your DH until this phase is over. See if you can help your parents on your own earnings rather than taking help from DH. But don't leave the job.
