Are women always selfish.

ErRamesh · Dec 10, 2014

Hi. I am writing this while I am completely down. We are now married for about eight years now. Me and my wife are the same age and have a kid. From the time we got married we had lots of problems and issues which we decided to sort out one at a time, we sorted out most but left back with few. She is my best friend and a good person too but we had issues with being intimate. I used to think her expectations are much more than what ordinarily is considered normal. We had a kid and I thought things would get better then but within no time i realised that things even got worse since her expectations were still the same. I visited doctor regularly because the frequency of intimacy was lesser than she expected and to my surprise the doctor expalined that her expectations are right. I always blamed by childhood for the situation since I had lots of responsibilities and a vision to excel in my field which i believe I achieved...I knew blaming the past is not the solution to problem of present. I tried a lot for almost half a decade and the doctor I used to visit once suggested that she should willfully be given the choice to taker her stance on this issue. I was quiet for a while,, i knew she would never accept the decision of parting ways but I realized that she was paying more attention to other men and viewing some x rated content online. A point came when she started getting very rude and disrespectful. Everytime we entered a quarell she used to point out that I wasnt satisfying her physical needs and its my duty to do so. i always explained that I am trying my level best and didnt know what to do. Thats when I put forward to her that If she wants she can part ways but as expected she rejected it and said she can never think of it. I knew she wants to be with me and my observation that she is looking at other men was only out of frustration and an normal reaction therefore as sugested by doctor we debated that if its only about physical need I could give her liberty to see any other men, wit heavy heart we sorted this issue amicably and I decided she needs that liberty...things were ok for a short frame of time but now again the same issue has cropped up. She again seems to be rude and I really dont understand whats the reason this time. Now as a human if parting ways is not an solution dont you think its responsibility of the other partner to accept the problems and deal with it instead of demeaning one for the problems he is not responsible for, how long could one complain of the same issue when one knows there is no permanent solution despite of the fact that I have tried level best and given big sacrifice too. At this point I dont know what I am supposed to do and I am just going on and on in depression. Please tell me your opinion.

Iamagoodgirl · Dec 11, 2014

To answer you title of thread no one is saint.People do have needs.There is nothing wrong in fulfilling them.People can compromise up to certain extend but not forever.

You and your wife are not compatible.Looking at your situation i can see very limited options.

Legal divorce but remain good friends and parents to your kid.
Give her sex toys as a gift and explain her this is max what you can do.

Open marriage is frown upon in india.It also has risk of making situation much more complicated.So dont go that way.

CrayoNess · Dec 11, 2014

There is no rule on how much sex is "normal". People are different, some have a stronger sex drive, some a lower level. Usually it is not an issue except if we are talking about extreme differences.

Sex is not something that you can demand from your partner. It is a very sensitive area and marriage does not meed that you are obliged to fulfill all your partners needs. By making compromises (for example satisfying the other using hands/mouth), having self-sex and accepting that you cannot always get sex when you want most couples are able to cope with these differences.

It is also important to have intimacy without sex, ie hugging, cuddling, being close.

Open relationships are very difficult as it causes a lot of challenges. It is emotionally very hard for both. There are also some physical dangers like STD:s and pregnancies involved.

tashidelek2002 · Dec 11, 2014

I don't know what kind of doctor that you have been seeing but have you had your testosterone levels checked? If you have insufficiency on this some shots might make a lot of difference. Check with an endocrinologist.

ErRamesh · Dec 11, 2014

Thank you for reply. True open marriage is taboo, i feel very frightened of society right now. But things are under control right now. Moreover I find it difficult to keep things away from growing kid.

ErRamesh · Dec 11, 2014

CrayoNess said: ↑

There is no rule on how much sex is "normal". People are different, some have a stronger sex drive, some a lower level. Usually it is not an issue except if we are talking about extreme differences.

Sex is not something that you can demand from your partner. It is a very sensitive area and marriage does not meed that you are obliged to fulfill all your partners needs. By making compromises (for example satisfying the other using hands/mouth), having self-sex and accepting that you cannot always get sex when you want most couples are able to cope with these differences.

It is also important to have intimacy without sex, ie hugging, cuddling, being close.

Open relationships are very difficult as it causes a lot of challenges. It is emotionally very hard for both. There are also some physical dangers like STD:s and pregnancies involved.
Click to expand...

Thanks for advice. hugging her is actually what gives me strength to face situations,

ErRamesh · Dec 11, 2014

The doc I visit is an noted physician abroad.

Rise · Dec 11, 2014

I just feel doc suggestionss are not so right... try going to another doctor.. check both your hormonal levels.... having liberty to be with other men and woman outside marriage does not seem ethical whatever be the reason

yellowmango · Dec 11, 2014

What is your objection to her watching erotic stuff?If that is the way She can satisfy her need...why object?That is the least one can do....let her do her thing in her private space.

Vaikuntha · Dec 12, 2014

OP,
I believe that women love to be loved- beyond being only physical. I am doubtful that the problem you mentioned is the only problem in marriage.
There are some other issues, maybe?
Open marriage is a bad bad idea, not going to work. May be you guys are facing mid life crisis. Try to reevaluate your life, your goals, your values, what gives you joy and peace and then plan jointly or individually. I have realized, that being 'brand aware' and then trying to buy that brand within budget, can be a better choice than sliping into depression. So be involved in life, compare with neighbors - what they have, have potlucks, gossip- all this things are superficial but still better that thinking about open m. Get your wife to have a job- if she can, and live near family. try to go back to school. Try to learn something new.