Building A Strong Marriage by Creating Personal Space

M, wrote something on more space.. long back..

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/64494-breathing-space-in-a-relationship.html

 

I think it is very important to have individual interests and hobbies at the same time have some common interests that bind the couple together.
I have seen couples who get so involved in their individual hobbies like Golf,prayer groups,card groups ,gardening etc that they start growing apart and these hobbies sometimes become the reason for constant bickering. Have a common hobby too, along with the individual ones gives the necessary space but prevents couples from taking that personal space too far.

Same goes for families.....even children need to have hobbies independent of the parents and each other....but some common interest that the entire family shares.

For us...Good food , sleeping a lot and animation movies are the common family interest that keep us together while each one of us has different interests and space.

 

Having space is necessary in any relationship. More so in marriage because otherwise it can suffocate you. Many people make this big mistake when in a new relationship. That their partner should spend every waking moment with them, all activities need to be done as a couple.

I am a person who needs her space. And I have been this way since I can remember. I love having people around, but every now and then I would, even as a child, escape to my room and read.

My husband and I have some unwritten laws. Came into existence slowly, because like I mentioned above, we were also the same when we got married. Didn't want to spend a moment apart (other than office ofcourse). But this was creating havoc in our lives because we both had totally different tastes. More so in mine than his. The reason? I wanted to do everything with him, and it would always be things that he liked.

Today we have these agreements: Family first (obvious). But if there is a class I would like to attend, or a kacheri (music concert) I want to attend, I would clear it with him - make sure I did not forget some prior plan - and go on my own. I would not feel bad that he is not with me because he HATES carnatic music and asking him to attend would be torture for him.

The main reason why I feel having space in a marriage is very important is that without it, feelings of discontent will arise. As they say "absence makes the heart grow fonder". When my husband and I spend time apart - even if it is not a long period, we are happy to see each other. When we are in the house, or doing something together for hours on end, we look for ways to move away from each other

 

Ironically, relationships that seem perfect and in which the couple does everything together are at great risk of failing. At least this is what I have seen so far. It is human nature to end up feeling imprisoned by the sense of being permanently glued together and always having to rely on one another for a source of fulfillment in everyday life.

Some people are more independent by nature, and some really need some privacy throughout their lives. Which is not a crime, thus it needs to be respected. I believe.
To be whole, it is important for all of us to feel independent as well as attached.

For instance… We are very different individuals with different sets of interest and ideas about life. We have emerged as one with time, even though we still work our relationship and life as per how convenient levels.

I am Christian, and my husband is Hindu. He is more active in his spiritual pooja and stuff in temples, and attends them once in a while. He observes special fasting, offer things to the temple and so much to say. Whereas, I am rooted in Christian faith. I do things as per my faith openly. Never once we forced each other to participate or have interest/faith in other one’s religious stuff. We are convenient in practicing our faith individually without making the other inconvenient about it. But we do casually share every happening, our wish, faith and other events regularly with each other.

This way, we both are in loops that we know what is going on with the other one. This eventually made us have interest in the other one’s interest and assist him/her accordingly.

For instance, it is my H’s responsibility to decorate the X mas tree and other stuff at our home. Whereas, I am the one who plan, learn and cook special dishes and arrangements for his religious festivals and pujas at our home. We often make each other surprised about this every time.

This situation is not only limited to religion, but also their personal interest. My husband is a movie person. He loves movies, and is updated about all the latest ones. I am interested in social networking, and interacting with friends. This is what defines us in our society. We can’t be expected to react otherwise.

For instance, you can’t force me to watch 3 movies a day and comment about it for the next few days. I will become more irritated with this. Similarly, I see my H never attracted to Face book or other networking events such as get-togethers, parties unless he is invited or expected to attend. He will be bored if asked to organize an event for a charity, I am sure.

So, we do stuff separately as per our own interest, and convenient level.. But we keep the other in loop all the time, so that they get to see what is going on in their better half’s world. That impresses them with time, and they will eventually come forward without having to drag them.

 

Here is a blog I wrote on June 19, 2012 under the heading "Parallel but compatible". Parallel but compatible - Blogs - IndusLadies. I believe this is relevant to the discussion initiated here. Kindly, feel free to comment and I am willing to listen the valuable inputs from the members.

Viswa

 

Personal space is important. But too much of it hinders the very purpose of marriage.

If a person's 'personal space' is creating vacuum or loneliness in the other person (spouse) then it is too much of a space which he/she is seeking out of marriage.

In other cases, it is good if both partners have their personal space. That way, they develop, have fuller life and preserve their individual identity.

 

[FONT=&amp]In my experience it means a chance to be amazing at life as an individual. By amazing I mean a chance for you to develop and pursue personal interests, relax and recharge, or do whatever it is that makes you feel good about you. It helps you to be a better version of you. The payoff -- and there are many -- is that not only are you often happier and more satisfied with your life, but you end up being a better partner[/FONT].

[FONT=&amp]Many may not agree with me on this but I feel that too much of closeness can create boredom and monotony. [/FONT] [FONT=&amp] Of course, this does not mean people should not spend a lot of time together, they should and they must but keeping a little time to just yourself or with others apart from your partner adds to the spark. [/FONT]
[FONT=&amp] When you are too close with one person, you do not find time for others and this may lead to a drift away from them. Consequently, your social circle diminishes and for all kinds of needs, you reach out to only your partner. If he does not have time to be with you then or he may not really understand your state of mind and you feel left out and ignored. [/FONT]

[FONT=&amp]Also in cases of too much intimacy there are times when you find routine in everything. There is nothing new, different and exciting. This also leads to dullness in a relationship. [/FONT]