Can parents be jealous???? :O

Hi coolsandy,

Shocked to hear about parents of that kind...I had a cousin whose parents were somewhat similar..in front of outsiders they would not say much but would always compare his(my cousins) achievements with others and keep discouraging him whatever good he does.. most of the relatives knew it was because his dad was not that successful in life(in terms of wealth creation at least) although he was an engineer and worked for a very good organisation. They completely depend on their son(cousin) now still keep finding faults because he (cousin)has made enough money and owns property worth lakhs.

But in Daughters case least expected.thinkingsmiley

 

I have adult children and I can understand the feelings of being jealous to some extent. My oldest daughter was such a messy person when she lived at home. Now she is running her own home and when I visit I barely dare to put a used glass on the counter as everything is so shiny and tidy. I am happy for her, sometimes I notice a small voice inside me growling "why did she not behave like that when living with me" but keep that voice to myself. Sometimes I also feel that my daughters have so much easier life than me (financially or otherwise), get frustrated with their complaints about their children (who told them to get those kids?) And I can even be jealous because they are so pretty (I am biased) and have great careers.

But I keep these stuff to myself. Sometimes I share my feelings with my sister but never to my children. I am trying to encourage and support them as that is my role as a mother. I am trying to utilize the feelings of jealousity to something constructive. If I am jealous because my daughters kitchen is so nice so why cannot I redecorate my kitchen?

When i child leaves the nest they live their lives and you as a parent start a new phase of your life. We keep in touch but I am not responsible for them anymore and they are not responsible for me. I cannot interfere with their lives. I can enjoy their success, I can support them (to some extent) if they need support but they are on their own.

 

It happens when an always dependent child suddenly becomes independent or depends on someone else (husband or in laws), then the parents, particularly mothers (given their nature, menopause age) became slightly irritated. As if they feel guilt for no longer being dependable for their children or that feeling of unwanted in their children's life or both altogether.

It happened with my mom very recently though... Because I started depending on my husband lately... Since I have always been a dependent to my mom, and then after marriage too, due to certain reasons, I had to depend on her literally on everything... This sudden change irritated her.

Since she loved me dearly, my decisions, though hurtful to her, made her realize her mistakes. So, she is happily transitioning her dependable status to my husband now.

It is a two way journey, so not alone the mothers to be blamed,. Even if that is a house or other matters (unlike emotional in my case), I guess the children too have taken their parents for granted it seems. Perhaps someone like me. Realization matters

 

yes I can understand Avanti's position, happens smtimes old ppl tend to feel inferior (i do not want to use J word for parents)when their daughters do better than them,it is best to accept it and avoid confrontation as such, at times when I see such behavior, i send a silent prayer "god pls dont make me this way when I reach their age"

I hv also seen parents who take pride when then they see their messy daughters become mature and independent,

like it varies with every individual .. maybe it varies with every parent

 

I get what the OP is saying.
I am pretty sure mom loves me a lot but still often hear"What is the use of all this?"
"What will you do if you get someone to cook?"
Never heard her praise the way I run my house(to be fair...I am not the most efficient home maker...but I keep my family happy).

My mom loves gardening and I used to always consult her about plants.Now that she has become older and not as active in gardening....at the same time I have become better with time and practice ,I have realized that she discourages me.
"Why get more plants ? You already have too many".
I was so excited about showing my roses to her when she visited recently ...all I got was a ....yeah ...I saw them. My husband noticed the disappointment and since then has been praising my roses everyday. I had even got new flowers so that she would like sitting in my balcony.My husband told me...you should not try so hard to impress your mom ...how does it matter ....it is not an inspection and you are not getting a report card.


My mom also keeps praising my daughters for helping me ....makes me realize I could have done more when I was with her.I did tell her ...my daughters are much better than your daughters.....

 

Dear OP,

Reading Avannthi's story reminds me my mom facing same with her mom (my grand mom), she always pokes my mom in someway or the other like from doing job to saving money to running house to getting me married to a nice guy. My grand ma has everything to complain with regards to my mom. Fortunately i share very great bond with my mom, she shares everything feeling with and vice versa, no one knows that my grand ma is hurting my mom with whatever reason(ego/jealousy/insecurity) only ME knows it!!! I always tell my mom, just confront her and let her know how you felt when she told that, but my mom never expressed her hurtfulness and saga still continuing at the age of 50 and 70yrs respectively...