Advice Needed on DH's Behaviour !!!

Some married couples have shared finances, some quite separate. The important thing is to agree about how to share the family expenses. Ie housing costs, food, savings for the family (eg children education etc). Some couples choose to have three accounts, one shared for family expenses and then both have their own personal accounts. They can then choose freely to spend how they want from their personal accounts (shopping, saving, helping friends etc) as long as they have contributed to the shared account as agreed.

The other way is to have shared economy where the parties mutually agree about how much will be spent on personal spending.

 

Yes...as a wife,you are entitled to know as he is about your finances.
1) Build trust.
2) Make investments for future.This will tie up most of the money.(a house,plot of land)
3) Make plans for future together and save for it. (make a RD for a vacation that you both plan,or a big item you both want to buy)
4) Tell him that financial maturity is a part of growing up and with age people should be able to manage with in their means and not ask friends(same goes for him too)
5)If you are working...save your money as a separate for your(both and future additions)future.
6)If you are not...then ask for a fixed amount of money in savings.

 

As a wife, you have an undeniable right to know his transactions.

 

Oh really?

 

It depends on case by case. As an independent man or woman, can't one think I worked hard till this point to make what I made and suddenly I need to share all what I earned, how I earn and how I spend with somebody who did not contribute to this money.
Overtime when two people contribute to each other, regardless of money form they become entitled to joint earnings/savings.
To be newly wed and suddenly get so bossy over these matters is not perceived well sometimes. In an ideal world, all mine is yours would be instantaneous, but in reality it sometimes is not.


I would suggest in OP's case, show your trust and genuine curiosity in these matters but give him time to get to the point of sharing. I have found that when men think their actions are being judged or can be judged they hide it. When they find, their actions are not personally judged, they would share and eventually your input and concerns would become more important and be heard.

He had been handling his business and he still can. Unless its going out of hands, let him manage. An important fact would be how long have you been married. If you are newly married, give him more time. If you have been married for a while now, you need to start bringing up financial talks. Are you earning? Is he loaning your earnings as well? because he should never be loaning your earnings without your permission.

 

When you share your life with another person, you should share everything and shouldn't be selective.

If you chose to, you can, as long as you declare your intentions before marriage and you can have a prenup and so on. But even in this case, everything that is earned after marriage, both partners have equal rights on those.


OP, a transparency is needed and you have an equal say IMO.

 

You need to know these things. It is all wonderful to help others. At the same time, there needs to be a balance such that you have a basic amount set aside for emergencies/ luxiries before you give money to others or underwrite their liabilities (I personally know of a couple of wonderful people from the previous generationwho went into huge debt over helping others. They had noone to help them when they were in need. Hence I am a cynic)

Once a person is married they have a responsibility towards their spouse and their kids - not just shelter/ food but also occadsional luxuries. Couples also need money for both sets of parents, say, in case of an emergency. The thing is this is not an ideal world. The fact that you helped someone by being utterly selfless counts for nothing when you are in dire need. The people you helped may not be able to or may even not want to help you in your time of need. So, IMO people do need to be sensible before being selfless. To that end this secrecy bothers me.

You both need to discuss this in detail because, let's face it, money is important.

 

Ideally yes, but in some cases people are more concerned about their earnings and the togetherness and open sharing feeling takes some time to grow.

Irrespective of man or woman when you have independently dealt with your finances, you think you know how to handle it yourself. For some sharing that control is instantaneous, and for others it is a learned process.

My point was not that she should not have equal rights/information, my suggestion was to gently get to to it rather than prodding and fights.

 

It takes a few years for the "togetherness" stuff in arranged marriages especially. All this 'we are two bodies, one soul', and its 'our money, not yours/mine' takes a few years. Take it slow.