I am tired and want to give up,i will have a nrevous breakdown,please advise

likhitha2025 · Nov 24, 2014

I have been writing my posts from quiet some time now,But today i have decided to be concise and clear,Below is my life in few words,I really genuinely need all your advices,I am on the verge of nervous breakdown

I have been married 8 years with 4 year old son,my Dh is a good father no doubt,It was an arrange dmarriage ,I hail froma a middle class indian family where my father was never responsible and my mom was never strong,My parents always fought ,I had a terrible childhood where my father was a arrongant individual who would not listen to anyone,he did some businesses and we incurred financial losses and he left us and went to underground for 5 years,My mom and me and brother went to grand parents house to stay,My mom ahd a job with which she gave us good studies,we always had money problems,long story short she did her best to give us education and i got married to DH ,we have a age gap of 7 years,He also had a bad childhood and we bothe struggled after marriage to get t stage where we are now,We are settled in US with a son and have a place called home,

I never liked this person when i wa sgettign married but i had to because i could not see going againist my mom who has already lost in life due to my father ,Her self esteem is low that she has become so quiet and has become a puppet and pulled me into this marriage since my uncle brought this alliance,My husband is a good provider thou i was not happy i made my mind up and started to give a meaning to this relationship,I worked allot in my career to get to where i am now,Now let me explain where i stand now

My husband thou he was/is a good person,does all his responsibilities and have helped me to build myself he has got allot of anger,he was chain smoker which he gave up after i gave him allot of ultimatums,Since last 3 years he has got addicted to alcohol,he does not listen to his parents and he does not care my parents or my brother because he think he has made a big favour by marryin gme without any dowry he does not care what my parents say,we always fight and i am not happy to live with a drunkard like this,believe me he drinks all weekend and some time on weekdays and you know if i ask him next day why he drunk he lies saying i was in aan illusion,he literally smells and he has got guts to lie that he did not drink,i cannot tolerate this anymore,He alos manhandled me a couple of times when he was drunk,I am broken i was trying hard to make this relationship workout thou i was not happy with this man from day one because he has a pale character with no emotions,Ok let me tell what is his daily activity get up,take bath,sit on his lounge chair,eat the breakfast,go to office,come back ,sit on lounge chair and play games on iphone,talk only if needed or tell me do the chores eat dinner and sleep,he never goes out makes friends,does nto teach his kid cycling not takes the kid out ,he does one thing good shouts and terrorizes me,i am tired of this and cannot take this abuse anymore and cannot put up with this habits,i talked to him in rage,told him with love asked himt ot stop drinking and go to counselling nothing works on him,I have decided to walk out but ia m not able to get the courage,Ad you know what my mom advices just suck it up if he does not change,she wants me to be like,WTF,i have helped my parents and brother allot financially and mom is always on his osn's side she does not want to understand nor support me on what i am goign through,I think i am still holding onto it for my son ,he is the world to me,I think i am losing and some days i feel like commiting suicide,I do nto have friends because of my husbands prodish attitude no body wants to stick around,he ihas got this nature of proudishness,I have no emotional support no sisters to talk to nor friends,I am so done,

Tell me what should i do move on,I have done all i can and i still have the fear if i will be able to survive alone with out him,i work and make bucks but he rules on that money,he makes the investments and runs the show,I dod not want my son to suffer becos of me walking out but i dont know what to do with such a person who does not care and always lies and you know what i think some days if i am really the culprit and he is perfect,he talks so cleverly and believe i am so naive i cannot even figure out how he does that,he mesmerizes every one on my side and his side,

Please ladies enlighten me what should i do,if i leave him the one thing i will loose is my american life,but my son will be in the middle,I want him to be happy

I can frankly say i have no intrest in staying with this person for that sake with any man any more in my life,some souls are always born with bad luck,I had allot of hopw when i was geting married that i will have happiness which i was not able to get when i was small but people who are born with bad luck always carry that around

Please help me and tip on how i should take this ahead,will i ever find love in my life a person whom i can have good life with

sorry for long post please enlighten me with your thoughts

coolwinds · Nov 24, 2014

you mentioned your mother is not strong. what about you? at some point you need to think for yourself and make your own way, after all you are a mother yourself now. you have experienced first hand and seen in your husband's attitude, the effects of a toxic childhood. is this what you want for your kid?

what do you find good in him as father and as a husband, per below

likhitha2025 said: ↑

he has got allot of anger,he was chain smoker which he gave up after i gave him allot of ultimatums,Since last 3 years he has got addicted to alcohol,he does not listen to his parents and he does not care my parents or my brother because he think he has made a big favour by marryin gme without any dowry he does not care what my parents say,we always fight and i am not happy to live with a drunkard like this,believe me he drinks all weekend and some time on weekdays and you know if i ask him next day why he drunk he lies saying i was in aan illusion,he literally smells and he has got guts to lie that he did not drink,i cannot tolerate this anymore,He alos manhandled me a couple of times when he was drunk,I am broken i was trying hard to make this relationship workout thou i was not happy with this man from day one because he has a pale character with no emotions,Ok let me tell what is his daily activity get up,take bath,sit on his lounge chair,eat the breakfast,go to office,come back ,sit on lounge chair and play games on iphone,talk only if needed or tell me do the chores eat dinner and sleep,he never goes out makes friends,does nto teach his kid cycling not takes the kid out ,he does one thing good shouts and terrorizes me,i am tired of this and cannot take this abuse anymore and cannot put up with this habits,i talked to him in rage,told him with love asked himt ot stop drinking and go to counselling nothing works on him,I have decided to walk out but ia m not able to get the courage,Ad you know what my mom advices just suck it up if he does not change,she wants me to be like,WTF,i have helped my parents and brother allot financially and mom is always on his osn's side she does not want to understand nor support me on what i am goign through,I think i am still holding onto it for my son ,he is the world to me,I think i am losing and some days i feel like commiting suicide,I do nto have friends because of my husbands prodish attitude no body wants to stick around,he ihas got this nature of proudishness,I have no emotional support no sisters to talk to nor friends,I am so done,
Tell me what should i do move on,I have done all i can and i still have the fear if i will be able to survive alone with out him,i work and make bucks but he rules on that money,he makes the investments and runs the show,
Click to expand...

you are working, that is a big advantage. if you think he will manipulate and project himself in a good light, it is best to document the drinking, his tendency to get physical and anything else that will establish the reason for divorce. you should also make sure you have some money to help in making an exit plan. and then have a talk. if you are not thinking in terms of divorce, you should tell him you are moving out with the kid and he should use the time to get into some kind of rehab if he wants this marriage to continue. a drunkard is not a good role model for his growing child.

you need to show the courage you think your mom did not display. but she raised her kids on her own, that merits some appreciation. she lived in a different time and society. you have a lot more opportunities. as for love, first start with loving and respecting yourself.

Akanksha1982 · Nov 24, 2014

Hugs to you dear. Not sure what you mean by you will lose american life if you leave him. Do you have a GC or citizenship? If not, plan to stay until you get one. Things will be a lot simpler if you have a GC or a citizenship. It is much better to live independently here than in India.
Second, open a bank account and start putting in money in that account and do not mention to your DH or anyone about it. Also, stop supporting your mother/brother for a while. Focus on your life.
For your husband, just ignore him, give him silent treatment. Don't get into arguments or anything like that and don't go overboard for him. Focus on your child, take you kid outside to the park, etc. You will make friends at the park. Always come on IL to vent out and get support.
Once you have confidence, some money and a stable job, then you can think of next steps.
Don't think your DH will improve unless he himself realizes his mistakes. How is he able to do a good job being drunk?

CrayoNess · Nov 24, 2014

The first thing is to take preparations regarding your financial situation:

1. Clarify (make copies) your financial situations, your savings, shared accounts property
2. Open own bank account and direct your salary from now on to that account. Agree with your dh how you share the family costs (food, housing etc)
3. What is your visa situation? Will the divorce have impact on that? Are you able to apply for permanent visa/green card?
4. Make a budget for your life after divorce. Can you manage on your salary? What would be the housing costs etc.

Then clarify the legal situation:
1. In which state do you live? Divorce laws varies from state to state. (Divorce in the United States - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)
2. Usually no need to specify whose fault the divorce is (no-fault divorce). The main issues to be settled is child custody and division of property
3. Joint custody is the most common solution. Are you going to be settled in US permanently? You will require the other parents permission if you want that your child moves with you to India.
4. Consult a lawyer and walk through the options available

Then get support:
1. Build up a network of friends, there are also support groups for divorcing people available
2. Get to know a few reliable baby sitters that you can afford

After these preparations you can take the step and discuss with your dh if he is willing to start counselling. Find a good marriage counselor from your area. If your husband is not willing then you have to make the decision do you want to proceed with the divorce. A divorce is usually a messy affair. Keep your head cool, do not involve your relatives or parents (it makes it worse!). Focus on the child and try together with your soon-to-be-ex find a solution that you can live with (custody, division of property etc).

Take care..

YoGirl · Nov 25, 2014

You say that you are staying in this relationship for your kid...but will he grow well in such a traumatic daily life?
Weigh out the options...Will ur son be a better person with a single mom or when lived in existing environment?

All the best..

likhitha2025 · Dec 2, 2015

It's been ayear I have written this post.Another year with him has been same but with few changes where I have met my head cool and ignored so many things of his like drinking his arrogance for sake of my son who was diagnosed with developmental issues sometimes I think that our constant fight yelling at school other made him that but believe me I don't know where this is heading to and what got in my mind.last month my Mil drama started to buy new house in India believe me I stil trust this person and I don't do any money management we got into big fight on this and we stoked talking to each other and I have stopped cooking for him we stay in one house but barely speak I would say not speak at all. Am so done with him I am I would say made u my mind to separate but still not able to show courage to move out we stopped talking to each other from one month and I am feeing so good and free don't know why become he never spared e these many years 9 yrs omg when I look back all he gave me was I am a man attitude when I cried all these with my mom she said you are a loser yu don't know how to handle it hinges that's it I have decided not to bring in anyone anymore I wil just do what I have decided on but my son he needs better life amidst all these drama I misty not sure how this will turn out rob ably separation and then divorce I have no support not even one friend but I am determined now to move on whatever it takes I don't want to be unhappy anymore I am in my early 30's I don't know what future holds for e but for now I want to separate and no more lace for reconciling just waiting for Gc and I wi be ut

riya123 · Dec 5, 2015

OP,

I do not think it is worth to stay in that stinking marriage.
As for your questions on divorce, your husband should cover your legal fees, should provide you a home to stay till you are legally separated. He will be in contempt of court of he throws you out of the house and will have more serious consequences on him.
Also, with divorce you will get half of all property acquired by your husband after marriage. You will own 50% of his investments So do not worry initiating a divorce will not leave you high and dry financially.
I would suggest get a one time child support settlement.

Another thing that can be incredibly hard is your child is having developmental delays. It is horrendous journey , so work on it as soon as possible. I am not sure what the delays are but the earlier you treat them the better the chances of recovery. It will get worse as you delay. I don't think it would improve even if you chose to stay in the marriage

You may struggle emotionally a bit, but remember this is in the best interest of your son. You can negotiate a higher child support because of the issues your child has.

Don't ever become weak and tolerate his crap. Life is short and it's not worth wasting on such thick headed morons. You will have to get out of the victim mode. You deserve to live a more peaceful life. Look back at your life and think what was one thing you could change. Try to get help from your brother.