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Feeling low today.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sm123, Nov 21, 2014.

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  1. Nov 21, 2014 #1
    sm123

    sm123 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello all,

    I am an active member in this website in other areas and have given advice to others and got wonderful advice from IL's here.

    today I came with another problem..I have to created a new id,to remain anonymous.

    With the in-laws issues around,there were so many fights between me and DH and these days,I started ignoring everything and moving on with my life,focussing on kids or work etc...DH is a mommy's boy...and even after 15 years of our marraige,if DH does not call MIL,all the tantrums will start.So,DH talks to them everyday for 30-45 mts and so much of backstabbing about me:spin

    The same with SIL too..he will talk to her every alternate day(she is married too)...if he does not call,she will call..and its like lots of nonsense starts after the calls...After so many fights everything,I realised that I should move on with my life..only for the sake of kids,i am in this relation...

    The thing that bothers me these days is,my parents are always quiet off course,I cant expect much from them too as they are of the mentality that once the daughter is married,she is no longer our daughter...and DH is as like..only worries about his parents,his sis and her family,and then our kids and finally me...(i am not even sure about myself)....At work,life just goes on...I dont even no who really needs me...whenever I get this question..I tell myself that my kids needs me and I need myself..and again get the energy to fightback with the problems,DH tantruams,silent treatments or doing things behind my back..like giving money to the in-laws or to his sis..All these looks like backstabbing to me...I feel so tired and drained with these things...DH infact,deletes the call logs of his calls that are made to his sis,just incase,if i open his phone and see,accidentally...But on the other days,I logged in online for something and happened to see that he is calling his sis and talking every other day and deleting the call log...I know for sure that his sis is happy..otherwise,I know her..she will make sure that everyone of us suffers as she is no happy...Which I have seen all these 15 years of our married life....

    Again.I am not bothered if DH calls or etc..the thing that hurts me the most is this backstabbing business and talking behind my back...I know that I will try my best to move on in a day or 2..but It hurts me alot during that phase...

    You all are wonderful...help me with some suggestions...I am into gardening,cooking and few other activities..and yet staying with a person who you cant trust..seems to be biggest punishment ever...Leaving the inlaws and his sis stuff,DH is a good provider and helps me at chores(off course with lots of commenting)...I feel like walking out..but I know i cant...as DH is a good person..but he is very much devoted to his family...as he thinks that they are god...and thanks to my in-laws...he thinks that i am evil....

    Thanks for reading.
     
    sm123, Nov 21, 2014
    sm123, Nov 21, 2014
    #1
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  2. Nov 21, 2014 #2
    Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Make yourself very busy with kids and fill yourself with plenty of other activities to take your mind off this. You cannot force a change in him or mil/sil, as trying that only makes you more depressed.
     
    Ragini25, Nov 21, 2014
    Ragini25, Nov 21, 2014
    #2
    2 people like this.
  3. Nov 21, 2014 #3
    indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    I m in similar situation! Its sad and many times I had tried to end my life. Still going on with this problem. I have no solution for this. I cry sometimes when I m alone. my dh is also the same. All is similar,:cry: the worst part is that he will make me feel jealous saying he has got his family and all of them like him and not me.
     
    indubalram, Nov 21, 2014
    indubalram, Nov 21, 2014
    #3
    1 person likes this.
  4. Nov 21, 2014 #4
    IndianLady009

    IndianLady009 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Indu..All I can say is,there is no point in ending the life..seem like you have a kid too...If no one in the world needs us,but I am sure your kids needs u...

    take care.

     
    IndianLady009, Nov 21, 2014
    IndianLady009, Nov 21, 2014
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  5. Nov 21, 2014 #5
    IndianLady009

    IndianLady009 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    you seemed to be doing whatver you can..I wish I had some solution for you...Lets wait for the IL's wisdom of ideas...

    take care!

     
    IndianLady009, Nov 21, 2014
    IndianLady009, Nov 21, 2014
    #5
  6. Nov 21, 2014 #6
    indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes just for my daughter. My life is dedicated to her, her only! I always feel abandoned! I get myself distracted by coming to this website.:)
     
    indubalram, Nov 21, 2014
    indubalram, Nov 21, 2014
    #6
  7. Nov 21, 2014 #7
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    15 years is a long time. You both know each other by now. And other than the calls to in-laws and backstabbing about you, things are OK. The calls and like that talking about you is a huge thing and cannot be "ignored." Engaging in hobbies is nice but this thing will naturally be there at the back of your mind.

    I think you should casually let it be known that you know about these calls. And that you've decided to be above them. This should happen nicely, and not accompanied with nagging or description of injustices and wrongs done to you.

    Anybody likes to be around a happy person. Use the hobbies to become a mostly happy person. Over a few weeks or months, when your husband sees that you know about the calls, but are too happy with other thing to let these bother you, he will himself want to be more fair to you. He himself will notice the difference between the toxic mom, sister and the calmer, happier wife. No one really likes negativity for too long.

    Sometimes just letting a person know you are aware of what they are doing, but are not going to hold it against them, or ask them to stop, can shame the person if he is otherwise a good guy.

    I can't think of any other way. Direct discussion will not help in this case and he will dig in his heels even more.
     
    Rihana, Nov 21, 2014
    Rihana, Nov 21, 2014
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    11 people like this.
  8. Nov 21, 2014 #8
    Seethamma

    Seethamma Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    We are in the same boat. I think most Indian men feel same way as your husband. They are raised to feel obligated toward the parents and siblings. Three decades of my marriage taught me to ignore the drama and now I am teaching the same to my grown up children to ignore their aunts and cousins. "Ignore is the mantra"
     
    Seethamma, Nov 21, 2014
    Seethamma, Nov 21, 2014
    #8
  9. Nov 21, 2014 #9
    indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    But don't you feel cheated! I have gone through this for 20 years.
     
    indubalram, Nov 21, 2014
    indubalram, Nov 21, 2014
    #9
  10. Nov 22, 2014 #10
    Seethamma

    Seethamma Bronze IL'ite

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    Feel cheated? I am beyond all these feelings and emotions. Do I own him? May be some percentage. I keep reminding myself half of him belong to his mother and sisters. So, I am always in my limits.
     
    Seethamma, Nov 22, 2014
    Seethamma, Nov 22, 2014
    #10
    3 people like this.
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