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Husband Doesn't Enjoy Intimacy :(

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by desigirl25, Nov 10, 2014.

  1. desigirl25

    desigirl25 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Ladies,

    I have had many many issues in my marriage and have written on this forum many times and had some great advice. In very short form my husband had an obsession with a guy I dated for a few months, and this caused many problems in our marriage along with his parents who we initially lived with and had very high expectations from me to act as a traditional indian wife.

    However, we are past all that now and finally 4 weeks back I made the decision to file for divorce with the support of my parents for a number of reasons, but one major reasons that my husband never wants to be intimate with me. I am not saying he doesn't do it, if I nag about it he will do it 1 or max 2 times a week. but I would get to hear comments like ''what kind of girl are you, all you think about is this", or he would bring up the guy I dated and say he doesn't want to do anything with me because he doesnt know what I did with the guy I dated before. OR he would literally say ok fine do whatever you want..and that was the worst thing he would do. His comments always made me feel so cheap and I honestly felt like i had no respect left for myself. ANYWAY so when I decided to file, he said that he would work on this and do this willingly himself and also he will have a checkup with the doctor for harmone levels etc.

    I know there is no hard rule of how many times you do it etc...its more about making each other feel loved when you do and he was good for a about a week...then again 6-7 days would pass and i would have to remind him that he is not working on this....I hate having to ask him.. Now he is back to saying that because of all the fights and issues we had after marriage all the love is gone and he doesnt feel like doing it.. I SERIOUSLY WANT TO SCREAM! I know thats not the only problem....other than that he has been ok..he has not been bringing up the past guy...or treating me disrespectfully, but I don't think a marriage can survive if a man says to his wife he doesnt want to do it with her because there is no love. If he has a problem then he should tell me and we can work it out together..I am so supportive about it..but he doesnt care how I feel and rather than working on the problem he would rather be defensive and blame me for his lack of drive. It makes me feel so miserable :( I would do anything for this guy....yet he says the most hurtful words to me and is taking this last chance to save our marriage seriously. :( :(

    Do you guys have any suggestions? If there are any guys reading this thread..your suggestion would also be very helpful :( btw we are both 27.. have been married for almost 2.5 years and this problem has been since day 1 literally..
     
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  2. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    A nice clap requires 2 hands to come together. Forget your marriage as a bad past and move on..
     
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  3. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Lack of love,faith and respect bet couple is a serious problem.A person who lacks in faith department always never improves.It would simply pop up again with another situation.

    You could opt for temp separation to analyze the situation.Whether you like to go back to him or feel okay to continue life without him.You have age by your side .

    Whatever you do dont bring a child into the relationship.
     
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  4. Denni

    Denni Gold IL'ite

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    Obviously he is trying to cover his weakness by bringing up your previous relationship. I think you deserve a better person to be your spouse instead of this guy who makes you feel cheap and no wife should ask the husband for s*x. It is not healthy relationship when the husband tries to avoid having intimacy with the wife while the wife yearns for it.

    Think it over dear. You are young and you may not want to hang on with a person whom you need to educate on intimacy!-it comes in a package after marriage!!!
     
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  5. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Complete the divorce proceedings and move forward. You don't need to spend your time to help him grow up.
     
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Any problem that takes husband or wife to the point of divorce, will take time to resolve itself. Intimacy helps in fixing the problem but intimacy also needs a relatively problem-free married life to begin with. Chicken and egg situation.

    Words we type when worked up about something say a lot. How exactly did you "remind him that he is not working on this"? He is not a stud horse who can be expected to perform at a specific schedule with an or else!

    Your husband is being honest. Almost any person would feel like the love has gone out from the marriage after what all your guys have been through.

    Your husband might post in a men's forum:
    "I SERIOUSLY WANT TO SCREAM! I am trying. I have stopped brining up the past guy. I remind myself to treat her well. I am trying to put it all behind us. But, she keeps insisting on a specific number of times. Even once a week is not enough."

    He did tell you the problem.
    You are so supportive?

    Desigirl, the trick is to make any problem in marriage a problem that you face together. There is a lack of romance in the marriage, and you guys are still not out of the woods after the in-laws and your ex related matter. Bad memories need time and good memories to go away.

    Instead of "reminding him that it has been 6 days", look at the lack of intimacy as a problem you both face together. Talk about it. In small installments. With the grace and patience of a 27 year old woman, not the 'I want it now' impatience of a 2.5 year old child.

    Once a week is quite a good frequency, in any times - happy, sad or in-between.
     
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  7. desichica

    desichica Silver IL'ite

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    If i were you, I would fix other issues in your relationship first. Life is busy and lot of couples dont have sex once a week even. (that's not to say no hugging/kissing/flirting on daily basis) But i think you have more problems to solve than intimacy.
     
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  8. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    He hasn't trusted you from day one and now he says he doesn't love you or want to have sex with you. What part of this don't you understand?

    Take a divorce, get some counselling, find a new partner better suited to you.
     
  9. LiveYourLife

    LiveYourLife New IL'ite

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    He has trust issues
     
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  10. kanthtx

    kanthtx Gold IL'ite

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    why r u still sucking upto the guy and marraige.. it is a lost cause and u need to divorce and move on..

    he wants to just keep u in marraige so he can abuse u and treat u like crap,... if u want to live with happiness, then move on with ur life.

    he is just playing with u to keep a hold on u as long as he can...
     
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