Need advice on important topic - may help others in similar situations

This is a question that needs to be answered before marriage.
I know you didn't ask people other than the two categories to reply....but I can say that a woman who wants kids and can have kids .....if denied the kid ,will be a very unhappy ,resentful and bitter woman....not withstanding the love for her husband.

 

My husband had similar feelings. Eventually we did have a kid due to social and family pressure. Yo now I do regret. Since he keeps saying "this is the reason I did not want any kid" and my kid feels very bad hearing this.

 

Well. I dont fall in either category, but I could not resist posting this experience that my husband's best friend had.

He got married and before marriage itself, he decided that he does not need kids.He would set the expectations before meeting a girl and ultimatley he got married to a doctor - who thought in the same lines. Everyone in the family knew 'not to expect kids' from this couple as he had made that quite clear to everyone.

Both were happy in their own way and settled in the US. They had their life, their friends. He was a sports guy - part of a cricket club - weekends went in matches,weekdays went in office. She was a successful doctor - busy always. She had her music classes on off days. Everything hunky dory. Slowly, friends got married and had kids.

They were constantly around people who had a so-called 'complete' family. Not to mention the 'strange comments' from family and friends. They still stood strong. I was quite close to the girl. She was a few years elder to me - so I used to call her 'chechi' (malayalam for elder sister). She treated me like her kid sis too.

One day, during the bday parties of one of the kids - i was feeding my son and for 5 minutes me and her were alone in the room . She broke down and burst out crying. She wanted a 'meaning' to life and she was tired of living for herself.Her hubby was still happy and did not want the kid - and she was scared of opening up to him about this feeling that she had developed over the last year.
I was surprised because she looked so happy an content. i told her to talk to her hubby. After all, people change. Hubby still was not for kids. I don't know what happened between them later - but she quit her job and went back to India. He stayed in the US. She has not come back yet - she joined the mutt of a famous spiritual lady in Kerala and serves as a doctor in the hospital there.

I totally understand that it is your personal decision and it is your life. I just wanted to give you a pointer that it may be wise to think of EVERYTHING before taking a drastic decision.

 

This qn you should have discussed with her, BEFORE the marriage.
Now that it is AFTER the marriage, and she wants kids - she will grow VERY RESENTFUL later on, if you deny her that, like YM said. She wont know it now, but it (resentment) will likely happen.

 

That's awesome. Now the question is, does this go both ways? If you could get your wife to give a genuine answer on how much she wants a kid, how would that influence you? I'm almost picturing a "Consequences aside...if you could wave a magic wand and we're back in time before marriage. Would a married life together be a deal breaker if you learned that I never want to have kids...ever?"

If you could get her to open up about how she really feels without fear of consequence from you, I'd imagine it's up to you to figure out how understanding you are towards her and are you willing to compromise or not...or risk having your wife become increasingly resentful even though she might not show it or say it now to your face.

And just for reference, I'm sort of in your situation but I'm the wife who doesn't want to have kids (although it's not so much a forever thing).

 

OP, both of us contemplated for a long time whether to have kids or not. There was no discussion on this subject before marriage and after that every year we thought and delayed it. But last year we decided to have at least one and we are expecting our LO coming April.

A couple of things that we thought about.
1. It becomes difficult to connect with friends and family without kids. Their priorities change and they get busy with their kids (sports, birthday parties, studies, etc). Slowly they have their own circle of families with kids. This is where suddenly, we found ourselves to be lonely and disconnected with the world. This is a very horrible feeling and it starts impacting daily life, motivation to even work (Question keeps haunting work for whom and why). We know a couple with no kids and their life esp. between the age of 40 and 60 was quite lonely and emotionally difficult.
2. If ever wish to have kids, have it sooner than later. Both the parents need to be young as the child grows so that you are connected with the kids and the generation gap is less. Being young, one can participate in the activities of the kids, play with them and have a more friendly relationship. My DH and his father has a 40 year age difference and he has difficulty in connecting with his father. It is a more formal relationship and they hardly interact on non family matters.

 

used to know a lovely couple with same dynamic. it was dream marriage. she wanted kids, he didnt. after few yrs she divorced him and remarried. she has 2 kids now.