Need Advices...On snooping my hubby 2 years 3 yrs back..

soni1987 · Nov 1, 2014

Hello Ladies..!
I am married for 4.5 yrs now with 2.5 yrs kid. Ours was love marriage and we both loved each other a lot. Before marriage we dated for 2 yrs and then married. All was going well and good enough ..DH dont have habit of using much FB or any other social sites..just go through it once in a while..even i update ours and his pictures in his fb page.. he doesnt even do that. He has many friends - girls & boys but friendly with both.. never looks at any girl in a wrong way..but sometimes if a very beautiful girl comes across he may take a look but thats ok he is also a human.:hatsoff(this is just to inform you about my dh character)

Now here is my Story...

2.5 yrs back when i was pregnant..I had some complications in my pregnancy and we could be intimate from my 2nd month as doctor instructed not to..even my hubby was very caring and restricted those things. But as days past and i was in my 4th month of pregnancy i started noticing that he is staying long time on pc..when i checked history next day..he was downloading **** n watching, when i questioned him he says he was feeling so he did n will not repeat...yet it was repeated many times, and i tried to ignore it understanding his frustration on this matter. Actually i was also feeling lonely and frustrated due to this, even i wanted to be intimate but as doctor advice couldn't.

After my 7 months i went India to my parents for delivery..at that my dont know what happened to me and i was loosing my mental balance and always used to think i want to snoop my DH or just for fun. May be because of hormonal changes happening in my body.

I planned and created new fb profile with another name..with beautiful profile pic or some young lady..send friendship req. to my dh - i just wanted to see how he will be chatting with this lady.
He came online for chat and we started chatting(fake profile & DH)
I said that i am born n brought up in California ..now in India as my parents shifted n all ..faking
DH also wrote some stuff about himself..but for my shock all fake ..
he said he is from good rich family.. actually he is middle class. He said he is married (because his fb profile..stated that) but didnt say he is going to be a father.
When i asked about his wife..DH started telling she is very lazy and full time praying and all, not giving him attention, his was arrange marriage through his mom and he was not happy with his marriage, all wrong things about me..
Later after few days.. he said i am coming india.. (actually he was planning to come for my delivery).. we could meet up in goa for short vacation and have lots of fun.. (this was real shocking for me)
Then he started talking about sex with her ..as in what position she likes etc.
(At that moment i couldnt handle my self).

I called him right moment and busted at him and said all that the lady was none other than me..He was shocked and upset and started apologizing and crying ..
His excuses...
1. I thought it was my some male friend pranking with me so i said all this..
2. I was not serious just joking ..do u think i will meet her for real...
3. She was a unknown person for me so chatted all this without thinking
4. last but not least..of course..he says he knew that it was me..and was checking how i will react.

I didn't talk to him for days ..my mom knew about it too..hence as advised by my mom and continuous apologizes from my dh i forgive him..

But after this incident i am not able to trust him at all. I always think about it check his fb and whats app...He went to some foreign countries with his college friends for vacation..even those times sitting at home i used to think is he sleeping with other women or one night stand as in those countries it is available easily..

But one thing.. he is very caring and loving..after that not cought or found any girls chatting with him or any such issues. But, Pleas help me how can i trust him again. all these things keep on going in my mind. I think may be he is hiding many things from me ..he is good looking and still young..I go mad sometimes..Please help

yellowmango · Nov 1, 2014

I don't think you can or you should. Just be watchful.You can forgive but not forget.....
And I don't think you should be letting him go on these vacations with friends where sex is available.He should be going on vacations with you.

soni1987 · Nov 1, 2014

Thank you yellow mango for your advice..
I think that too..I object his going on vacation with his friends..but he anyway goes..I say yes or no...even my parents think it is ok to go on vacation once in a while.. as he is working whole year for us and just few days for him alone with friends is normal.
DH tells me too that i can also go on vacation with friends within india..as i dont have friends whom i can go with abroad..But after marriage i only go with him or my parents..I regret it sometimes...but actually we ladies are bound with responsiblilties of my son and other things, we cant just walk away leaving my son behind for vacation. But for mens it is all so easy..dont know how and when this mentality & discrimination will change...

yellowmango · Nov 1, 2014

Dear Op...married men tend to take vacations with their family ...not friends.What is this nonsense about him going with his friends and you going with yours.Does he often go on these vacations only with friends? Do the wives of these friends go with them.

I think you are pretty naive to let him go on these trips .It is a big redflag...specially with what he did.I would have asked him to chose between these shady looking vacations or a life with you.

Put your foot down and let him know that a man who has lost the trust of his wife should not be taking things for granted.Insist on going with him.You and your family deserve a vacation too.So what if he works hard all year....why can't he have his fun with his family .Why can't he take his family on vacation like the rest of the world takes.You don't have to leave your son any where.He is the part of the family and deserves to go on vacations with his parents. Tell him you will be checking about these friends only vacations of his .Ask him the details of the trips taken till now ...ask for hotels and pictures.Check with the wives of other friends too.Your husband's behavior is not trust worthy.

CrayoNess · Nov 1, 2014

The more time you spend separately the bigger risk is that you get emotionally distant from each other (has happened during your pregnancy/delivery). If you have a family you spend most of your vacations with them. Of course now and then a short getaway with friends is also good. Maybe you should also start to strengthen your social relationships and nurture the relationships with your friends. Family is important but it is also important to have good friends.

Regarding the thing that happened during your pregnancy you should try to forgive and move on. Men tend to go through a crisis especially with their first baby. Try not to remind him about the incident but instead focus on your future.

soni1987 · Nov 1, 2014

Thank you Yellow mango and crayoness...
The reason i am more tensed is ..all my DH friends are of not good character at all. My Dh have drinking habbits but only when he is in india so even i dont tell him more about it, as he is drinking only for 1 month vacation. But his friends have very bad drinking habbits and bad character of keeping extra marital affairs..All their wifes are very silly and homely due to which making fool of them is very easy, as i feel i keep on checking him so i get to know many of his friends secrets.

The problem persists even when i am in india for vacation. I spend half of my vacation in my house, my hubby comes to visit me but will not stay so long in my house.
Two times i cought him as ...In the night near 8 pm or so he called me and said i am going to sleep then next day when i call him he is not picking call.When i call his mom she says DH is not at home and left at night with friends, but to me he said i am going to sleep. Later when he returns and calls me, on my question he answers it was a sudden plan so didnt inform, i dont have problem with his night outs..the problem is his friends..all rich and has extra houses where they spend time..DH admitted many times his friends calls their gf also their for fun..but when we not in india..Ofcourse when DH will not tell me the truth what happnd when DH was with frineds & how they spend time.

Again i start with doubts and my imaginations.

I fought with him many times ..to stop contact with them, but they are his childhood friends and cannot be neglected altogether, for my calmness he says he will not meet them but who know he is meeting in my absence or not...

Joyoflife · Nov 1, 2014

CrayoNess said: ↑

The more time you spend separately the bigger risk is that you get emotionally distant from each other (has happened during your pregnancy/delivery). If you have a family you spend most of your vacations with them. Of course now and then a short getaway with friends is also good. Maybe you should also start to strengthen your social relationships and nurture the relationships with your friends. Family is important but it is also important to have good friends.

Regarding the thing that happened during your pregnancy you should try to forgive and move on. Men tend to go through a crisis especially with their first baby. Try not to remind him about the incident but instead focus on your future.
Click to expand...

sorry CN but I do not agree with you on this one. What happened during ops pregnancy is a big red flag. How disgusting is that when someone's wife is pregnant with his child, going through all sorts of crazy physical changes, carrying a life inside her, the husband should stray just because he is not getting sex. That's a very shameful thinking . When a man can not have sex while his wife is pregnant you call it crisis? OP youhave every right to be doubtful. Do not let him go on vacation on his own. Married people with children take vacation together. Specially during first pregnancy women need a lot of support because they do not Know what is gonna happen next. It's not just wife is pregnant her husband is also expecting a baby

blackbeauty84 · Nov 1, 2014

Your husband has lot of red flags on him OP. His behavior, friends, those vacation etc. From next time grill him on where he is going to stay, get the hotel numbers call and collect hints. Don't let him take him for a ride.

Akanksha1982 · Nov 1, 2014

Your DH is in a bad company. Unless he lets go his friends, he will not improve. Just put your foot down, tell him clearly that unless he does not let go his friends, you will not talk to him. He has to come out clean on this. Otherwise he is taking you for granted. Maybe go to your parents house for a few months. Let him come back on his own to get you at your condition.

CrayoNess · Nov 1, 2014

It is true that OP:s DH behave very badly. But then on the other hand he has apologized, fathers go through a crisis during pregnancy also (especially the first one). OP stayed also away for quite some time. It is not about sex (but sex can be enjoyed even if there are restrictions on intercourse) but about being emotional close.

There are men (and women) who are cronic cheaters and there are men (and women) who may do a mistake during a stressing life situation. But in both cases the situation will not improve by putting more control and nagging in place. If the spouse cheats constantly then the only option is to divorce (or tolerate it). If the spouse did a mistake then better is to forgive and focus on the future and include him more in your life.

Regarding vacations the majority of the time should be spent with the family. But OP cannot control or influence what kind of friends her DH has. Instead she can suggest relaxing/romantic vacations together and they can also agree about having a few days (both of them) with their friends.