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Career Vs Family

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Oct 23, 2014.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Off late, I find there is no meaning in my career growth. I am losing interest both in my career and the money that I earn because I feel I am able to win both of them at the cost of losing my own family and happiness.

    I read a status in the FB sometimes back, since then I am confusing...

    It stays " I was dying to finish school, then I was dying to get a degree, then I was dying to get a job, I was dying to earn and I was dying to live a decent life... Now that I was actually dying, and lately realized that I forgot to live my life.

    See, I have been a diligent student, staff and a responsible woman all throughout my life. Responsibilities have never been a burden to me, as I usually enjoy taking them. My handwork and responsibilities were highly paid off so far. However, I badly miss my family, the happiness, the kids and their initial stages of life.

    Now that, I am being the primary bread-winner in my family. Not that my husband stays at home. He works, we have a business that he takes care of. But my salary is much higher and reliable source of our income.
    I have a couple of EMIs that eats almost 1/2 of my salary.
    Then I have 2 maids and a guard. It is very expensive here to keep maids and guards. They eat almost 1/4 of my salary and then the associated transport and boarding fees (whenever I had to stay out of home) and all that makes me empty handed at the end of the day.
    Our family's regular expenses run only through my husband's earning and it is sufficient enough so far.

    Initially I was posted in a much higher position than this. Earning a lot, but after my son was born, I could no longer take this responsibility that requires a lot of travelling and stay over trips to all over the world. That was an internationally recruited position.

    After resigning from there, I took over this national position (much lower to my previous post) due to some pressing financial need (That time I wasn't good terms with my H, thus needed a job for my survival). Again it took me some 3 years to reach where I was before.

    However, now with my second child, I feel I can't no longer go where I wanted to be in my career. It takes more of my as a professional, by leaving only a little for the family.

    Reason:

    The post is in city A, which is 2.5 hr drive one way from my city/home (I start at 6 am, and come home at 7 pm or later only)
    The post requires twice a month travelling to Maldives and India, so more often than not I had to stay outside of home by leaving the kids alone with mom/H
    Lot of learning needs, lot of competition and lot of work pressure to handle
    But it is a permanent, and pensionable highly paid job.
    This career has given me a name, made me powerful and a recognition for all my hard-work.

    Option 1:
    I must stay in city A, visit family on weekends
    Pros: Less transport expenses, less tiring long journey, more time to work
    Cons: Missing the family, more work and responsibility to my mother (who babysits), more spending on additional maids and guard on my absense (as H won't stay at home all the time either (Business reasons))

    Option 2:
    Apply for an international position which allows family to come with me
    Pros: Can live together, spend a lot of time with family, high salary, lot of savings...
    Cons: Will miss H, will miss my new home, and the home will lose its charm when no one lives there
    International posts pay higher salary, but no job security.. Hard to get selected

    Option 3:
    Apply for local positions. No chance to meet the status of my present post, leave alone career growth
    Pros: Can stay with kids, teach them, and spend a lot of time with them as they grow and need me
    Work time 9.00 am to 4.30 am (in between 30 mins lunch). Kids school and my home is around the corner, so I can pay frequent visit to home if required.
    Give some rest for mom, no need for additional maids, less expenses, guards (as I will stay at home at night), can manage the home, maintain its charm, be with H often, concentrate on business, be with extended families, free life etc..etc..
    Cons: less salary (almost 1/2 of what I get), less recognition career wise

    I personally think of option 3, because this is what seeded into my head by my mom and H during all the discussions. They believe as a mom I should prioritize my family over my career. I tend to accept this now.

    If so, I must pay off my loans and EMIs right now from whatever my savings (jewels). Send off a maid and a guard home. No long transportation. Lots of savings from many ends thus less income won't affect. In fact, I could save something unlike now.
    No tiresome long trips daily, no crying mom and kids, etc..etc...
    Also, I can keep on applying international post till I get my preferred one.

    However, the thought of going back to the same post what I was having some 10 years back as my first career is killing me inside.
    But again, when I think of living with kids, enjoying their childhood, and being there for their needful time is like applying some pain-killers.

    I think, as a women, we can't have it all.

    Staying at home is not in my head, because it means putting a full stop for my career.

    What is your suggestion my dears????
     
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  2. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    Dear SGBV,

    Option 1 & 3, both are equally tough according to me. I recently read an article posted in IL by IndraNooyi which made me cry. Women cannot have it all....that's true.

    Reg., Option 2 "Option 2:
    Apply for an international position which allows family to come with me
    Pros: Can live together, spend a lot of time with family, high salary, lot of savings...
    Cons: Will miss H, will miss my new home, and the home will lose its charm when no one lives there
    International posts pay higher salary, but no job security.. Hard to get selected"

    You say live together & lots of time with family but also say will miss H. What does this mean? Is your husband not part of family or is he not going to join you because of business?

    To me this sounds like a good option if you could make someone run the business and take your husband with you. Don't worry about job security because no job has security these days and based on what you say, you seem to be highly qualified.

    Also, just a thought, is it possible to pay-off the mortgages or sell the property so that you dont spend 1/2 your income towards it so that you could save a bit and infact quit your job and spend time with family and slowly search for a job that seem to have it all..??


     
  3. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    5 years ago I walked into my boss' office and told her I was quitting. When she asked me why, I told her I was at a point in life where I had to choose between my marriage and my job. NOBODY at home had asked me to make that choice, but I knew I had to. The job was becoming more stressful, and I was taking out that stress at home on my husband and child.

    After I gave her my 3 weeks notice, I called my husband and told him I was quitting. He was shocked because we had not even talked about it. I never regretted it and for 4 years I was a full time mom and wife. And was totally happy. A year back, I realized son needed me less, and husband was also busy with his own thing. Being a full time mom and wife meant I was sitting home doing nothing for most of the day. I applied and re-entered the job force. There are days I wish I could go back to the stay at home days, but the demands on my time are less, and we are a happy family now.

    I think all of us reach a stage when we wish we did not have to make this choice, but what ever you decide, make sure you are happy with it in your heart. Even today, if I decided to take up a job in the city, it would pay me almost twice what I get now, working in a firm near my home. But at what cost? You can make money any day, but you can never get back the time you have lost with your family.
     
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  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Will u able to shift family to City A.I know you miss your house but sometimes it may be worth a while until kids grow little old.

    if your husband is not there with u then it's not worth it.

    for me Options 3 looks better but if you are worried and wanted to have good job then think about option1 but keep the family in the same city at the cost of not living in your dream home.
     
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  5. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    I think you should go with option 3.. IT is better to make less money and be with the family than earn a lot and never have time for the family for whom you are doing so much...
     
  6. Kera

    Kera Gold IL'ite

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    Option 3.

    You did the career thing, succeeded. Been there , done that. No need to cling on to it.
    Time to step back and relax

    In few years when your kids are older, you can try back for high profile job. Its not just for the kids but for yourself. You need to relax and not burn yourself out
     
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  7. FromMars

    FromMars Gold IL'ite

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    How about Option 4:
    Make your DH pick a different job or business in an international location or a different city where your job takes you.

    Is he sticking to his business because it will reap great rewards in the future or because that is the only thing he wants to do.

    Maybe your DH can do higher studies abroad while you work and he can get into a good job overseas.

    There is always an option when you look hard.
     
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  8. armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Option 2 and retire early .


    take the international position where you can take your children and husband can visit , as it is higher pay , pay off your loans and do some savings and retire early .
     
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  9. sripree

    sripree Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I understand that you feel the need to be with your babies. Combined with that, your mom's tears are putting pressure on you. This is compounded by the fact that your DH does not have a very stable income.


    At this point, I am not going to suggest any options for you. Instead I am going to ask you to think about a few points carefully. It seems to me that you may end up going with the third option because it's an easy way out for you. This is also the most convenient option for your mom, your babies and hubby.

    For a moment, let's assume none of their opinions or needs matter to you. What will you choose?

    I have a question for you?

    1. Do you really enjoy your job? Does it stimulate you intellectually? Do you enjoy the travel?

    If the answer is YES then stop, don't pick option C.

    If the answer is NO. Still, stop - don't pick option C.

    If the answer is YES, find a way to make it work.
    If the answer is NO, find what you really love.

    If the answer is YES

    1. This is only a temporary phase - till your babies grow up.
    2. Get your mom out of the picture if this is too much for her - you have two nannies, they should be able to do the job. If needed, get a third housekeeper to supervise them - I think you can afford it from what you've said. Think of it as an investment into your babies' future. It's only for a few years.
    3. STOP GUILT-TRIPPING YOURSELF - did your dad's ever feel guilty of being away from home? NO. Your hubby is at home. Your kids are not alone. I believe one parent's presence at home is more than enough for a healthy upbringing. Besides it's not like you completely disappear - you only stay away for a few days a month. It is not so bad.
    4. Will you really be ok with underemployment? How did you feel the last time? You don't sound very positive about the previous step down - just deducing from your post. Do you think it is worth it?
    5. Will you really feel ok with lesser money - or even the feeling that you now can't make as much any more?
    6. Do you really want to spend your capital to repay your loan? It doesn't seem like a very wise idea to me. It's just my opinion.

    What else you could do:

    1. Keep the nannies - your kids are used to them. give them better training on reporting if needed - treat this as a project - project raising kids and your hubby and nannies are team members - manage it like you would manage something at work.
    2. Teach your kids that you are working and mummy will be with them when she finishes working
    3. Teach your babies that mummy is not at their beck and call. Mummy loves them but has her own life and other responsibilities.
    4. Teach them to be independent and respect boundaries when you are with them - share the nature of your work with them and tell them how exciting it is - this will inspire them and aspire to be amazing like you
    5. Multi-task like crazy - use technology to be in touch with your babies wherever you are
    6. Make your nannies your confidante - keep a regular feedback look going
    7. Cut the commute - Spend more time on skype instead - stay in your town of work for 3 days a week and drive for 2 days. So,

    Drive Monday morning - Come back - beginning of the week - more energy
    Drive Tuesday morning - Stay
    Stay Wednesday
    Stay Thursday - Come back home in the evening
    Drive Friday morning - come back - end of week - you have weekend to rest

    Find an apartment in your city to stay for 2-3 days a week - Drive your babies and maids with you - let them stay in the apartment during the day - you come back in the evening and play with them.

    Drive them back with you when you go on Thurs night for the weekend.

    8. Work out a work-from-home plan for at least 1 day a week with your boss. Not sure how difficult it is - depending on your industry - worth negotiating
    9. Or, work reduced hours - in the same job. Work 4 days a week instead of 5 days a week. Take a small pay cut. Better than taking a big pay cut! If they want to retain you - they may just agree
    10. If possible work extra hours on certain days for leave on other days

    Hate to see a woman with a high-flying career wanting to give it all up. We women have struggled so much to be leaders. It's a gift - guard it if you can. We need more women like you in the workforce to encourage younger women and show them the way.
     
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  10. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Family and children #1 priority. Everything else (career, money) etc come second, third, fourth whatever.
    (Yes, I am very familiar with career and career success, so I'm not saying without experience of these things).
    If you align your priority - then you can make the right decision, be it option 3 or some variant etc.

    Of course, only you can determine what takes higher priority.
     
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