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No hope left in my Marriage. Need advice.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SimonSharma, Oct 20, 2014.

  1. SimonSharma

    SimonSharma New IL'ite

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    Hello Ladies,

    First post. I apologize for a long story..

    I married my collage sweet heart 5+ years ago. Together we went to the College and when the time came, moved to different cities for jobs. I moved to USA 1 year after and he moved to Chennai.

    After about 1.5 years in US, I went to India and married my boyfriend. My parents didn't like him much since he did not match our standards and he had 3 younger brother sisters. My husband assured my parents that he will take care of me as his one sister is getting married and other two will be soon moving on to their own jobs.So the marriage happened and few days after I returned to USA.

    In next 2 years, my husband came twice to USA to see me (for few days.. all expenses paid by me) but I never visited India. Since I was earning more.. my husband asked me to take care of my in-laws like he does. Like to pay his credit cards, send $800+ to his mother and also to pay fee for his brother's engineering. I never complained and did all that.. while working on 2 jobs.. making my career and taking care of my expenses.
    My husband told me that this is all temporary and once he will reach there, I won't have to even work and he will take care of everything.. He also asked me to apply for Canadian Permanent residency meanwhile. I did that too.. believe it or not it costed me 12k... and my husband didn't pay a penny in it.

    Finally he came to USA and we rented a place.. few months after we got the Canadian Permanent residency and I was again asked to move to Canada. My husband said.. you are intelligent and blah blah and I should help him get started.. he will take care of everything. Unfortunately, I instantly got a job in Canada and moved to Toronto in 2 weeks. I had tears in my eyes but still moved seeking a settled life and husband promised we will buy a house and have a child.. My husband's Sister#1 was also married & living in Toronto.

    So after 2.5 years into my marriage.. and at the age of 28 I moved. That is when my sucky married life started..

    The day I moved to Toronto, I came to know about the secret why I was moved in a rush... My husband's sister was in an abusive relationship. She was being hit by her husband every day.. all my husband and his family wanted was to move me close to her and take care of her. Husband knew everything but never told me..

    From the first day she came to live with me.. (just me..my husband went back to US) I helped this poor girl..paid all her expenses, fought a legal battle with her in-laws, jailed the guy, initiated her divorce etc..all expenses paid by Me.My in-laws were like Mr India's (vanished people No where to be found).

    I was empty in cash at that point... I had nothing and at the same time my mom in India got cancer. So I called my husband from USA and asked him to move to Canada and take care of all expenses. He did came but he started behaving like he was not interested in finding a job here.he did no effort. I was working and still bearing all the expenses.. now of 3 people.
    Finally, I took matters in my own hands and got him a job after 15 days of rigorous marketing. He had to start in 2 months.

    Things were still looking ok until one day I found out that my husband's younger sister (sister no 2) had applied Canada student visa and will soon be joining us here.. I was pissed and asked my husband if he knew. He said he just came to know (like when I did) but later I came to know that whatever money my husband had in his US account, he sent it to pay for his sisters visa expenses.. and he & sister No# 1 living with us both knew every detail about visa, right from the beginning. I felt so much betrayed that I cried in anger plus I had my mother fighting for her life back home...

    SO Sister #2 came in next two weeks and I became a caregiver, expense bearer of 4.

    Soon my husband started working and I asked to bear some expenses of the house.. he did pay the rent but saved the rest for his Sister#2's semester fees. At that point, I was hoping to start my life.. like having a baby and buying a house and I did conveyed that to my husband. He asked to me save all my money so we can buy a house soon...
    Now here is the money thing..I had started to earn a six figure salary by then. Started my own business and I was climbing the career ladder.. My in-laws and my husband went crazy when they learnt about the money I make.. they even told relatives in India that they can afford anything now.. Well I did't care much. Big mistake!!!

    Now living with two sisters and a betraying husband wasn't easy.. the fights about money, kitchen and expenses became very often.. H never stood up for me and was always discussing things with his sisters... After about 9 months my husband even stopped listing to me... he would put headphones in his ears and watch videos on the computer. Pissed with how it all turned out and husband following his father's & sister's script.. a huge fight broke out one day. His sister#2 jumped and trashed me along with my husband.. things went so bad that I packed my bags and left the house. With no where to go I started living in a hotel and later took my own apartment...

    My husband did very little to stop me. I could see how egoist he became.. I also demand to live separate.. that I do not want to live with his sisters and I am not going to send money to his parents...enough is enough!
    he did not agreed initially but later he came to live with me.. just to avoid the divorce...

    Since that happened 2 years ago, my life never returned to the same.. we have a huge space between us. The space created by separate bank accounts, separate goals, he still discusses everything with sisters and parents (usually goes outside to talk.. never even let me know when his parents are travelling to Toronto), buys his sisters & parents cars, expensive gifts, bear their expenses, sends money all of it to parents and so on.. We also have no physical relationship (only when I initiate.. I did that 2 times in 2 years ).. no kids (he even once said that he does not want to touch me at all).

    I, meanwhile, have grown in my business (never left my ambition), I pay for entire expense of the apartment, never took a single penny for my expenses from H, bought properties, gold, saved money and became more independent then I ever was.. Even though, I am a very successful career wise.. it hurts as I have no Value in my own house.. I am dying to get an acknowledgement from my husband for helping him to get where he is today (and he is dying to get into my accounts.. I can tell you that)..

    The situation today is so bad that my husband and I have not spoken to each other from last 2.5 months.. living in the same house but doing our own chores...

    So my question here is.. Is this what happens after 5+ years of marriage..
    Did I failed to suck it up?
    My husband says Acceptance is the key and I say to him.. stop betraying your wife and realize your responsibilities. I don't understand what wrong did I do?
     
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  2. Tryinghard2013

    Tryinghard2013 Silver IL'ite

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    I am so sorry you went thru so much. Why do you want to live and have a child with a person who is just not worth it? It's not like you are too old and financially dependent on him? Have you ever considered walking out of this mess to fresh start your life?
     
  3. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    You should think about moving on.. having given enough to the relationship, you can put a sop and start life afresh.
     
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  4. resmij

    resmij Silver IL'ite

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    dear Simon,

    so sorry to hear about all these.

    why don't you come out of this relationship?

    he, and his family used you terribly.

    What is the point in continuing as atm machine for his family?

    you are young, independent.

    kick start a new life, nothing wrong in it.

    take care,
    resmij
     
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hugs to you. Try marital counselling as a last ditch effort. You have done enough and more for his family and I get the feeling you resent the lack of acknowledgement of what you have done more than the money or effort itself.

    If if he doesn't give his 100% during the marital counselling, you better move on. Until you are living your life on your terms, I sincerely suggest you don't have a child wih him. Nor should you give up your financial independence... Xx
     
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  6. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OMG!! Thats too much to go through..
    I wish you great strength for whatever steps to take next.
     
  7. msindu

    msindu Bronze IL'ite

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    This is why you should not blindly help people. Even relatives back stab these days. Do not trust him blindly and save money to yourself. As you are in Canada, know that if he abuses you, wait till situation calms down and all you need to do is call 911.
     
  8. shari2003

    shari2003 Silver IL'ite

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    I think you should stop being treated as a doormat, at least now.
    You could ask him once if he might go with you for marital counselling, and if he refuses that would be the last straw. You have put in a lot, and with no acknowledgement, I dont think it is worth to go ahead with him.

    You have a good career and a great life ahead. Please do not waste it over him and his people.
     
  9. Sweety789

    Sweety789 Silver IL'ite

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    OMG... salute to ur support & strength to hold all these things till now.. if i'm in ur situation den d day he betrayed me will be d last day to stay wit him. How come u want a child from him who use u as a ATM machine ,who never understand ur feeling??Consult a marriage counsellor try to get d divroce and move on. U r a very nice girl who deserves all d happiness as a wife & mother, dat person doesn't deserve u. Be positive and take care...may GOD bless u..
     
  10. Preet82

    Preet82 Silver IL'ite

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    Very sad. Hope you find peace soon. Given the circumstances i also feel it is better to move on.
     

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