dont know what to do

rarejewel · Oct 7, 2014

I need help and advice. Sorry for long post coming forth.I have posted few times before but my situation has* escalated a lot. I have been married 1.5 years and problems has been going on. Two months back we came back from a year of stay outside india and were coming by train to visit in laws.* I was reluctant to visit as we had been having problems. My parents came to meet me in station and make sure I go to my in laws. But as it happened I hardly got to meet my parents for 5 min and my DH started to rush, I got upset and said I won't go as I have seen my parents after a year and he didn't properly let me meet them. Then my DH started bad mouthing about me in front of my dad, saying they didn't match our kundli properly, how I spent 700 pounds in a year on eating out (is that too much really?), how he could have gotten better girl, and that I DONT cook. After all this my temper knew no bounds and I came with my parents. Since that 2 months have passed and I am at my parents now. I have sent many SMS but my DH has not replied or called once. * My dad has been trying to talk to him but he does not want any discussion.*It seems he doesn't have any feelings for me. After an argumentative call I tried to commit suicide as I am fed up with my life. I was in hospital but still he didn't call or inquire about me. Is there any option left other than to seperate? So what should i do now?

sumalynux · Oct 7, 2014

Dear OP

I am sorry for your situation.

But pls dont ever think of suicide again, life is much bigger than anybody...

Take your parents and few close relatives to his house, and have
a discussion with him and his parents for once before thinking of other steps.

Ask him and his parents about his final decision about marriage...
Based on his reply, talk to your parents and take a call.
(Also check if his parents support him or you)

You have not shared what other problems you had in marriage,
so not sure to suggest about separation.

strongwoman2014 · Oct 7, 2014

Hi

First of all, Please do not get suicidal, problems are part of life, be strong to face it. Life is once we get to live. Marital problems often emerge mostly due to in-laws. I too had lot of problems. I too go behind him in my earlier married life as i loved him a lot and blamed myself for everything even though he did the mistake. Try to be independent, do not depend on him. Do not send too much sms or call him many times. As you are married only 1.5 years and do not have kids or children, try to be patient. You and parents have tried your best to get back to your husband but they did not turn back, so it is now their mistake. Give them some time to get back, wait for 2 months, not exactly. It is not only the matter of your life but also your H life. He will get back to you, do not show him that you even would die for him, some man does not understand the love, do not expect that your H would come back by doing this, instead he would show no interest to you. Show him that you can handle the life problems better without him and make him understand the he is the one did the mistake and denying the love you have for him; for that, please remain silent and wait and see what happens. Things will slowly turn back to you. But some are unfortunate to get these type of husbands, who does not know the value of wives, he would sure understand your love one day, but it may take some time, be patient.

In the meantime, divert your attention by engaging in some other work. you can search for job and try to be financially stable. You said you do not cook well, you can try recipes that esaily available in internet. Practice cooking daily at home, learn basic cooking like breakfast, curry, etc, do daily one different dish. Cooking is easy task when you practice it. In the future, when you are your in laws house try to learn their cooking style, may be your husband likes the way his mother cook.

Please keep separation as the last option.

all the best for your future.

regards

Strongowoman

Weasly · Oct 7, 2014

I am sorry u want to end ur life fir a worthless person like that?! Someone who dsnt even vjsit u pwen u are in the hospital! What abt ur parents who have done so much fir u?!
U need to gt a hold of urself here, u r pecious to a lot of ppl in ur life! Leave tht jerk! Yes u have yo leave that person who dsnt care for u! N start ur life anew!
What is done is done dint even waste a minute if ur kife on a gud for nothing person like ur husband! Just be thnkful tht u found out abt him in 1.5 years n not after u had a baby with him!

get a job, becm independent! Im appalled how cn u even think of giving this idiot another chance in ur life n wait fir him whn he dint even visit u wn u were in the hospital after ur suicidal attempt!!!! Leave tht bloody jerk! Send him a divorce notice! He isnot worth it! I hv never a more despicable person in my life who dsnt care abt something like this!! He deserves to be alone! N u deserve so much more in life thn this jerk!!

rarejewel · Oct 8, 2014

Thanks for your responses.
@sumalynux My dad had gone once to tell about all the problems in our marriage to his family, but there was not much response from their side. My FIL has only been supporting his son. He said to my dad that I never called him when he was sick but my H never lets me talk FIL so what can I do. And MIL is puppet to them, and his older bro is the only person who understands and talks nicely but now he has also changes "color", like he told my dad that my H will NOT enter kitchen. I just hate all my in laws. H used to call in laws once a week and I talked to them even then he complains that I never call on my own. I am not talkative person but still I try but all I get is taunts. H is always taunting me that I am going to seperate all their family. That I dont' respect/care for his parents.

One of the reasons I didn't go to in laws was because I am scared of them. My FIL had threatened me on phone and SIL has taunted me many times. I think in previous post I had mentioned some things.

There are other problems in our marriage like H hardly talks at all at home and we hardly have any physical intimacy (sex). I have suspicisons of EMA. He had hidden an ecard from his cousin sister on his bday. He used to talk to this cousin every day for an hour before our marriage( I checked his phone records). Is this normal behavior? When I told him that he has affair with her he slapped me. If I am wrong shouldn't he try to clear it rather than reacting and fighting, it only makes me more suspicious.
And in first week of marriage my H physically abused me because I refused to go to his another cousin's house. Then he also lied about his female colleague who he used to have lunch with. Is it common in office to have lunch alone with female colleague? In my office girls and guys used to have separately but it was small office.

He doesnot support on my career aspirations. He doesn't like me spending money. I have made many adjustments but he is not willing to make any. I have quit my job for his UK trip, thinking it will bring us closer.

Harini73 · Oct 8, 2014

rarejewel said: ↑

Thanks for your responses.
@sumalynux My dad had gone once to tell about all the problems in our marriage to his family, but there was not much response from their side. My FIL has only been supporting his son. He said to my dad that I never called him when he was sick but my H never lets me talk FIL so what can I do. And MIL is puppet to them, and his older bro is the only person who understands and talks nicely but now he has also changes "color", like he told my dad that my H will NOT enter kitchen. I just hate all my in laws. H used to call in laws once a week and I talked to them even then he complains that I never call on my own. I am not talkative person but still I try but all I get is taunts. H is always taunting me that I am going to seperate all their family. That I dont' respect/care for his parents.

One of the reasons I didn't go to in laws was because I am scared of them. My FIL had threatened me on phone and SIL has taunted me many times. I think in previous post I had mentioned some things.

There are other problems in our marriage like H hardly talks at all at home and we hardly have any physical intimacy (sex). I have suspicisons of EMA. He had hidden an ecard from his cousin sister on his bday. He used to talk to this cousin every day for an hour before our marriage( I checked his phone records). Is this normal behavior? When I told him that he has affair with her he slapped me. If I am wrong shouldn't he try to clear it rather than reacting and fighting, it only makes me more suspicious.
And in first week of marriage my H physically abused me because I refused to go to his another cousin's house. Then he also lied about his female colleague who he used to have lunch with. Is it common in office to have lunch alone with female colleague? In my office girls and guys used to have separately but it was small office.

He doesnot support on my career aspirations. He doesn't like me spending money. I have made many adjustments but he is not willing to make any. I have quit my job for his UK trip, thinking it will bring us closer.
Click to expand...

Hi,

As others said don't even think of committing suicide.Our life is too precious to think about suicide.

From your post I think that there is no love and trust in your marriage.Try and speak with husband separately and find out what is in his mind?

Colleagues eating alone is not crime in office.Since he was not comfortable with you he may not have shared it with you.
If possible go for counseling both of you.But both of you should be interested to save this marriage.If any one is not willing separate now itself before a child enters the picture.

angelvoice · Oct 8, 2014

Its a matter of absolutely no love or trust between you too. Eliminate everybody else from the picture in your mind and think whether you love your husband or not. Please do not do any harmful things in your life.... It's not bloody worth it, sister.... People who didn't care about you when you are alive will care nothing if you are dead! It's just your family which will suffer... Go for counselling.... If he is not willing... Start looking for a job before it's too late... Cause maybe it will take some time for things to get sorted out n by that time u will be occupied with your time..... If we don't help ourselves, nobody will help us... Hugs.... When u feel down watch some funny videos online or read funny sites... Helps a lot....

perfundo · Oct 9, 2014

build your life. inculcate hobbies. get a job. make friends. change definition of your "your world". expand it and enjoy it.
Don't cling to your marriage. I just think it is better, you having your way ahead than reconciling with your husband, I don't see any reason why he wouldn't turn up when you were hospitalized. It only makes me believe he lacks the human touch in his relations.

Get a job first, doesn't matter how much it pays. it helps you to meet new people, know new things, give new goals for each day, holds your attention away from the other failures.

Please abandon any suicidal thoughts, that is the biggest sin you can commit in life next to taking someone else's life. It only gives more pain to your near and dear ones.

Please learn cooking, it is an essential thing in life. a like skill.

It all feels difficult until you start, but once you get going, everything just falls in place. You know right, it is the initial inertia that takes more power to propel the vehicle ahead. once you are in motion, it needs very less power to keep moving and achiever higher speeds. Just make up your mind, start a new life, work towards a new you... god bless you.

rarejewel · Oct 21, 2014

I agree I need to find a job but after a year of trying my confidence has shattered. I have been occupying myself with drawing. I want to update you with current situation. My H was supposed to come in October but he did *not. So my parents have been calling his parents and him to come as soon as possible since two months have passed. But they r telling he all come in another month or two. I am not able to stay put in my parents house as I miss my H tremendously. Few days back i called my H adter one month of no xontact to say to come and take me as i miss him but he did not talk nixely saying lot of mean things like he feels sufficating with me; he does not like my nature and if something happens to his parents he ll not leave us. Then after talking i felt so depreased i did not eat or talk for two days. Maybe you think am drama queen but My mental state is not good. My parents called in laws to ctell him to come urgently but they did not respond. Both my parents cried on phone but my H has no empathy. Now I don't know what to do to make take spme *actiion. After his carelessness for my life twice i am felling abhorrent towards him and his family. Should i get all my things and jewelry to start separation or wait Another month or two when he comes here to discuss or go back to living with him as he is not responding at al now. I don't want to live with such an egoist bastard but I am also so dependent on him that I cant stay separate. I know all of you are saying to find job but it will take time to find and its tough with so much gap to find work in software industry.

rarejewel · Oct 21, 2014

Another thing I need your advice is that the currentsituation is because of me not going to in laws as I told in first post. My reason for not going was because my H didn't let me meet my parents properly and he started bad mouthing about me to my parents and treating that if I don't go it won't be good. He is angry because his sisters came to tie rakhi and my not going was disrespectful to them. What about my feelings for my parents I met after one year and myparents dispect. And his family scaring me. If i dont have husbands support any girl wont want to go to in laws. His argument is why we dis not go when he was here two weeks so he wont come. My dad was busy then and he thought since so much tension is there that veing separTe we will work it out on phone but that didnt happen as my H is ignoring me. Who is right do you think. He is telling call 10 people and they will say it was wrong for me to not go to in laws. Would any of you go if your H behaviour was to threaten you to go.