In the fit of an anger

fourthaugust · Oct 6, 2014

Hello ladies

I have a problem, big or small, i don't know. I am married for 5 years with a kid. Except for few small arguments with my hubby, my married life otherwise is very peaceful and fulfilling. Recently my in- laws came home(they keep coming every alternate month for 15 days or up to a month) and my mother in law (a self obsessed lady who thinks that she is the best) sometimes tries to help me out in kitchen(mostly when i don't need). So few days back my hubby and I had an argument in front of them and I kind of got very upset so I left home for the office before 3 hours than my usual time just to clear my mind. But i had cooked everything right from breakfast to dinner(i do cook this much daily so that my mom in law does not have to cook coz i come late in the night by 8 or so.) So my hubby did not like it , he did not say anything then . then next day it was off for us, so morning when I woke up, my mom in law was already in kitchen, I told her not to do anything and then I left to take bath. wHen I came back she had already cooked curry(not needed as it was only 8 in the morning) And was preparing toast for the breakfast. I went in the kitchen and asked her to let me cook the rest.
She refused , so I came back, I arranged the things and since i did not had anything else to do I took the news paper and started reading. Then my hubby came in the roon where I was sitting and started shouting and tore the newspaper. He said my mother is working and you are sitting here and chilling out. You should be ashamed. And then he shouted again and he came closer and then I thought may be he is going to hit me.Then my DAd in law came in rescue. My hubby told me to pack my bags and leave his home. I felt like my world is up side down I didn t know what is goin on...I cried and cried a lot. I told my mom in law not to be in the kitchen as her son does not like it.

After sometime (some 10 mins) my hubby came to me and said sorry for his behavior.
I didnt say anything then, then he again came to say sorry in the evening . Then I asked him to say sorry in front of everyone otherwise keep it to himself. He said he will not say sorry in front of his parents but he said that I do not deserve this kind of behavior so he is sorry for what he did.
I told him its only because of the kid that I did not leave his house otherwise i would not have stayed here.

Ladies I am just so shaken by this and am very very upset, I dont know what to do.
I just do not want to forgive him in a long time. How I am going to live with him. I have no idea. Please help.

fourthaugust · Oct 6, 2014

ladies
It may not be a very big issue but i m depressed and and shaken to the core. Please help me wih your experience.

YoGirl · Oct 6, 2014

Atleast your hubby realized his mistake...But just tell him when in a good mood..to not assume things.
Some situations like this will arise..and he should use his heart and not mind to judge the situation...he knows you well and hence he should understand that you had never burdened your MIL with any household work in the past..and that you are not someone who will stop doing work just because of some petty fight..

cutemonster · Oct 6, 2014

Hi fourth August
Hugs to you! I can only share one thing from my experience that never fight or argue with your spouse in front of in-laws or even your parents .
What has happened was very unfortunate and their is no justification for your husband's behaviour.you can blame your mil or anyone else but it is your husband who behaved immaturely. If he has come and said sorry than its better that you let the things cool down a bit. Forcing him to say sorry in front of in-laws might worsen the situation as they will never like their son bowing in front of wife. Also , as my grandma would say if you want a peaceful married life you have to learn to forgive. Forgive but dont forget the lesson .

fourthaugust · Oct 6, 2014

Thanks to yogirl and cutemonster for taking time to write me the reply.
I dont know how much time i will take to forgive him as it is really very difficult for now.
Specially with in laws we cant even have some private time to discuss things through

KashmirFlower · Oct 6, 2014

Hi, when u argued with ur hubby, in front of in laws his ego got hurt, he want to show to his parents that he has some power over u. That is why he tore news paper next day, even told u to go. That is why he is not saying sorry I front of them.

my suggestion u and hubby never fight in front of in laws (even in front of any body). If u fight also pretend as everything fine in fronton in laws.

Now, for what ur husband did, u keep silent, don't do any arguments, just do your duties , and go to ur room and spend time with ur kid. Reduce talks with in laws too. And see how this works. This way he has to be sorry for what he did, even though he didn't tell from his mouth in front of everybody

fourthaugust · Oct 6, 2014

Thanks Kashmir flower

This is exactly what I am doing now...but it takes lots of patience

fourthaugust · Oct 6, 2014

Ladies , Why do we wives only have to endure all this nonsense even after doing our duties so efficiently.

KashmirFlower · Oct 6, 2014

Op, I am here generalizing, not for ur case.

May be most of indian men don't know what a marriage is, they think have a wife and kids , and try to make them close to his parents. That is marriage for him.

I feel lot of marriages are surviving because of women's patience and willingness, mostly because of kids, society .

guesshoo · Oct 6, 2014

Fourthaugust, i don't see why you should single handedly cook breakfast lunch and dinner early in the morning as if you were some slave, especially when your husband is acting like a tyrant. In your place I would accept his apology but then slowly but steadily start involving his mum in the cooking everyday. I'd make sure kindly and politely that she has a further responsibility. Bending over backwards for people who aren't thankful just doesn't make sense to me. Neither does acting like a martyr. Be firm and consistent and unapologetic. If anyone raises their voice use your body language - erect stature, eye contact with Raised eyebrows - and say in measured tones, "you need to calm down" and nothing else. Most importantly do not justify yourself or prolong any argument in any way. And then remain normal. You will go a long way in establishing myself.