Is there a solution?

sanjeet · Sep 30, 2014

Hello! Its a long one, please excuse me

I have a query, and a huge confusion for which I need your help to resolve -

I am married for 10 years now, it was an arranged marriage. As it happens in (arrange) marriage, we had/have multiple issues listed below -

1. We had fights over wedding arrangements, and my male ego (is that the right word for swabhimaan) was shattered over some financial transaction. Later over the years, my wife n her parents realised I was not after their money, but it was too late for me to forgive n forget.

2. We have entirely different outlook towards life. She's been raised in an environment where kids are loved and pampered very much to the extent of spoiling, whereas my upbringing was so that we love and pamper our parents and grandparents more than they pamper us. My parents pamper my grandparents and elders are the first priority in our house.

3. Our way of living is a complete mismatch. I believe in hardwork and simplicity, whereas she is more into shopping, spending and showoff. This is also a different family trait.

4. I want to visit my grandmom in India twice a year, as she's 80+ and there's no guarantee if I will be able to see her next. My wife was preg at a time when I raised this discussion of India visit, she said she will join me only if I book her air ticket in business class. She won't allow me to take my elder daughter with me. Finally I couldn't go because of some flat purchase issue, but it pains to know her intentions. But when her parents were hosting a bhagwat katha, she went with my daughter buying peak rate air tickets. Things like these hurt me a lot.

5. Now we have two amazing daughters, and it pains me to see their upbringing by my wife. Instead of raising our kids to be self sufficient independent human beings, I think, wife is into short term pleasing the kids. An example - instead of buying my daughter a chocolate because she cried, I would be happy to talk to her calmly and use other tactics(diverting attention, bad effects of more chocs etc) and finally explain to the kid that emotional blackmailing is not a good trait.

6. I am behaving nuts these days just so that my wife goes out and renews her passport on her own. If me as a man can do the household chores (occasional cooking, getting kids ready for school daily, cleaning and tidying up the house weekly) I do expect my partner to get involved more and ease my stress. Like plan holidays together or plan the layout of our new flat or occasionally maintain the family car.

7. Now our relationship has come to such an extent that I do not have any topics to talk to her rather than household chores or what to gift someone on the occasion or which restaurant to go for dinner etc (I mean, I talk only on purpose). My elder daughter is the one, to whom I talk what I want to (ofcourse things appropriate to her age). I laugh with her. I share my childhood stories with her. She's 6 already and within no time she will get busy with her studies/friends/life of her own.

8. I really miss a partner as in planning the future together. Planning where we want to live (as of now, I live in London since past 4 years). I want her involvement in everyday life challenges rather than just shopping, jwellery, showoff, religion, bhagwat katha etc.

9. She's a housewife and still expects me to do a lot of household chores. And because I like to keep my home tidy, I do a lot of them.

10. I am pissed off to such an extent now that I haven't got intimate with her since last November. I do get my urges, but now her presence itself turns me off. She tried a few times, but I did't respond.

I am so clueless as to where do I begin/end things now. Many nights I weep and remember my ex. I do not want a divorce - first because I love my daughters more than my happiness, second because I lack courage given the social background I come from. I must write here that I never ever felt love for her. Its just a bonding we have because of living together, and lust during the initial days. Every year from 2004 (when we got married) to 2008 we had one or other issue (like a land dispute involving my family and things going really bad, or her sister's death, or my grandpa's death), and I never got chance to think over my marriage calmly. She says she loves me, but from her behaviour I can see she needs me (for a nice luxurious life) more than love me.

I am quite successfull in my career, and live life on my terms. I just keep doing whatever I can do for the home and keep my daughters happy. But I miss emotional intimacy. I miss the life partner I always wanted to have. I miss the physical intimacy.

Can you girls/guys put some sense into me? I want to stop thinking too much and live one day at a time. Is there a solution at all given our upbringings were so different?

SGBV · Sep 30, 2014

You can't always have a life partner who comes from the same background with same outlook about life.

When I read the first few lines of your thread, I felt as if my husband was narrating the same. If he was to write his side of the story some years back, he would have written the exact same issues. But thankfully, we have reached to a common point where we both have a common outlook about our lives, which is very different from both sets of our families.

!0 years of marital life with same unresolved problems is a huge red-flag though. I think something is seriously lacking in your marriage. I assume, as you said it must be the love. Because I always believe, you can go to any extend and accept things only if you develop some love. Else it is impossible.

A marriage is not like my way or your way... It is like our way.. Then only it will become a family.

I was from a background where kids are always pampered. I was pampered and my mom still pampers my kids a lot. I too do the same, and I do not think it is something wrong. After all, I believe a kid deserve a lot of pampering in their childhood as a kid in a nourishing environment would develop a great social kill in their adulthood. But my husband and his parents have a very different outlook about it. Like you said, they believe kids to be disciplined, no friendly approach, no too much love etc..etc..,. They always consider themselves first before kids. But in turn the kids would respect them like Gods.
For ex> I really love my mom, so that I can argue or confront with her if I think she is wrong. But I dont fear that I will lose her love anyway. We will be just fine after that.
But my H would think that his parents can never go wrong. So he never argue or fight with them even though it is proved that they were wronged. He has more respect to his parents than love. The respect was like God fearing, as he fear of losing them when failed to obey their commands. I don't believe that at all.

That does not mean we should stick to our own belief and disrespect towards others. When in marriage, both partners have a say... So, in our case, we always discussed out our issues openly. The pros and cons. I would pamper my kids, and my H would discipline them. So, my kids would love me more and respect or fear my H more than me. After all, I won't stop his way of parenting, while he won't stop mine. But we have a common agreement as to what is the limit. If one goes overboard, we will again sit and discuss about parenting.

This is just one aspect of life... The other issue too have to be approached like this only.

Also, my family and me always doubted as if my H was after my money. It may have hurt his male ego at some points. But we both ended up resolving this issue with time. We had a reason to suspect his intention, it was very well supported by the circumstances, and he was very much at fault for letting that to happen. At the same time, we also understood that our suspicion had hurt his ego to a great extend, and it takes time, and effort to come out. We really had worked a lot to reach a common ground, where we no longer suspect his intentions, and he no longer keep that grudge feeling towards us. After all, we are human beings who are pushed by circumstances. We dont get married to angels, and live in heaven. Life needs a lot of adjustment.

Since I shared exactly similar issues (2 of them), I extended my suggestions. let others take their time to give you more clearer advice

yellowmango · Sep 30, 2014

Talk to her.
Talk together with a marriage counselor.
You say you don't love her...for a love less marriage...yours is not so bad.
Accept that she has a different upbringing......she may find your up bringing not perfect.Marriage is about accepting each others differences(to a reasonable extent)....after all people raised in different families marry.
If you are more of a perfectionist ...then you could get someone to come and clean up once in a while.
Tell her what you want her to do.....if you want her to plan holidays...tell her that. Some people need a little coaxing.

As for the distance between you.....try to write down stuff you like about her. Take a vacation together.Talk....talk ...talk.

god2014 · Sep 30, 2014

all problems have solution, its we who must identify the one we need. The loveless marriage is choking you, what about the other side of the coin, is she feeling the same ?Find out the views of your wife, when you can spend quality time with your daughter who is the upbringing of your wife, why can't you do the same with your wife?

10years is gone, so don't waste the rest of your life, thinking what all happened instead both of you talk, go for a short trip or arrange for a candle night dinner as a surprise for her, talk to her. Don't add up issues and get stressed, solve them then and there so that you can be happy for the rest of your life.
Upbringing is all you cannot change, but find if she has a feeling for you, open your mind on your expectations, may be if you tell her i think she could understand you.

You had patience to draft your issues, now for the solution work with the same patience by talking to your wife.

Weasly · Sep 30, 2014

I really dont see major issues in ur marriage! Let go of ur ego a little bit! Even my husband and my upbringing is very different but we manage! He is a lerfectionist while i am all over the place! He helps me even when i was a housewife, he helps me even when i am working and studying!! His help for me is not conditional!!

Op ur post just reminded me how much adjustments my husband has done for me!!and on the other hand how much i have made my husband open and comfortable to express himself, try new things, pamper oneself once in a while!!

give it a wholehearted try! Both u n ur wife need to mk adjustments, not just you!!

sanjeet · Sep 30, 2014

Thanks SGBV. Points taken. Will try adjusting more. I have no intentions of changing her, but I expect that we should learn from our mistakes and evolve. At times she is sad about her upbringing, but is still not practicing the lessons learnt on our kids. With respect to hurting my swabhimaan - what I don't understand is - hurting male ego is as bad as doubting a girl about her character. But I guess, I will have to forget this one and move on. Ask any (Indian) man, they love their ego.

Thanks Yellowmango (funny name). Well, I think I will have to take lessons first to start talking again. I used to do that before, but I do not have patience/energy/time/attitude to repeatedly do the talking about same/similar things. This gets more like begging then. But seeking help from marriage consellor is a good idea.

God2014 - Thanks. But no, my daughter is not a upbringing of my wife alone. I spend a lot of time at home with kids (our neighbour's wives use me as an example). And no, my issue is not her different upbringing. My issue is her 'dont give a damn' attitude on top of different upbringing. Point taken "Don't add up issues and get stressed, solve them then and there so that you can be happy for the rest of your life". Thanks a lot.

Thanks MissileMan. Yes, agreed I am not very much interested in her. But I want to work it out. I want to give my kids a (unbroken) loving family life. I know and keep reminding the good things in her, n that's the exact reason we are together for 10 years and still not enemies. I have no idea in the last 2 years as to how she perceives me. So, I would aim this aspect now. Point taken.

Thanks Weasly. And you can thank me for "post just reminded me how much adjustments my husband has done for me"
To be honest, nothing is unconditional (as far as I see the world around me). It seems unconditional at the begining, but people change their attitude if their expectations do not get met frequently. And thats' what has happened in my case. Point taken - "give it a wholehearted try! Both u n ur wife need to mk adjustments, not just you!!"

All in all, what I need to do is talk more, express more, adjust more, expect less. I got my goal for the next couple of years, then I will evaluate once again and decide my path.

Weasly · Oct 1, 2014

Thank you sanjeet!! :2thumbsup:

Akanksha1982 · Oct 1, 2014

No two persons are alike, not even siblings even though they may have been brought up in a same environment. So expecting a spouse to be alike in all terms is unreasonable or even foolish. The issue you have is that you have not accepted her as your wife, a partner, a friend. It seems that for you it is still an outsider. Once you start accepting her, your vision will change.

Both me and my DH are totally different. I am perfectionist and organized while he is not. Yet he beats me many times by finding/remembering things which i forget. Even midst of totally disorganized way, he can find things as his mind has organized it. Sometimes i feel that does he realize the pain when i am hurt. He keeps on telling me that me that he considers me to be an extended part of him. It took me years to understand that statement and when i understood it, i feel he is right. I see pain in his eyes when he sees me neglecting my health, I see the pain in his eyes when I am not feeling well, i see the pain when he doesn't like what i said. Yet, he will be quiet. There are many things he does quietly for my own good without telling me. Even if I made mistakes, he will not say a word to me. Just like part of his body, he sees me an extension of it. Sometimes we don't like parts of our body, sometimes part of our body gives us pain, yet we love them, we take care of them, we try to mold them into what we would like to see. It is a slow process but we do that throughout our life. The same is with marriage.

About kids, no matter how you raise them, they come with their own destiny and personalities.There is no harm in pampering them, you will be able to pamper them only for a few years anyways. But the best thing you can do is to make them God loving, read them books, involve them in charity work. The basic idea is to make them aware of right and wrong things in life and this will help them to make good decisions on their own.

About the marriage expenses, land disputes those are water under the bridge, there is no point in spoiling the present on the past. The present will determine the future so make the most of the present.

Iamagoodgirl · Oct 1, 2014

What your wife is good at?Let her do that.If she is good at maintaining house you back off from that front.Identity her strong point and weaknesses and adjust accordingly.

Alildream · Oct 1, 2014

I think the key to a happy marriage is communication. We need to communicate our expectations very clearly to our spouses. Now this is not always easy. It is difficult after a few years of marriage and when you add in the kids it becomes all the more difficult! It is difficult to express even appreciation for your spouse! When we start to express our expectations, it invariably leads to accusations and a screaming fest...but then open communication is a must! Please talk to your wife and kept her know what you feel.
Marriage is a two way street...you need to be open to her as well and also drop your ego and make adjustments. Helping around the house is not always a chore...you can use that as a gesture to show each other how much you care for each other! When a wife cooks her husband's fav dish she is expressing her love for him same goes when dh helps with the cleaning!
having separate upbringing is an advantage, really. Too much of discipline or too lineancy is bad for kids...you two can work as a team and balance each other!