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The main cause of marital problems

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by nandita24, Sep 29, 2014.

  1. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    Are we making too much of of the formal institution of marriage? What is it's basic purpose shorn of all the irrelevant appendages? In the modern world it is guided (at its root) by economics. That's why we have come to such a pass.

    The whole issue of complicated marital problems is due mainly to our cultural and religious indoctrinated beliefs that marriage is something very very sacred. I am not disputing this to those that believe in it and are very happy. But what about those that are unhappy in their marital relationship? Can divorce be such a simple answer?

    Marriage is practised because of the social support system. If even small communities recognize alternative lifestyles there is a ray of hope to such people who are trapped in unhappy relationships. Individually it's not possible to live a life as we would like mainly because we would not enjoy being alienated.

    Perhaps we will be happier if we take this example of the
    "Gordian Knot" legend and apply it to marriage. "The Gordian Knot is a legend of PhrygianGordium associated with Alexander the Great. It is often used as a metaphor for an intractable problem (disentangling an "impossible" knot) solved easily "thinking outside the box" ("cutting the Gordian knot").


     
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  2. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thinking out of the box... What is that?
    if I understood you correctly, it is something like finding an alternate partner while being married to someone. Just because you are not happy about your marriage, divorce is not a luxury, so the next better option is to cheat. How great?

    I am glad as I am part of a civilized society where marriage is respected, and EMA is considered cheating.

    If divorce is that difficult because it is out of the so-called social concept, then how easy this new concept of finding an alternate partner while being married? Is that already accepted by this society?
    Is that well supported by the social system? The one who falls in to this category respected more than the one who chose to divorce/separate?
    At least, my society and its thinking is very different from yours. The stigma and shaming is very high for a man or woman who finds an alternate partner out of their wedlock, while being married to someone else. They were considered as cheaters. There is a name for such people, and it is always not a great name.

    People don't dare to divorce until the marriage is seriously damaged, and it is not irrecoverable. Reason being, finding an alternative marital partner (not something like cheating, mind you) after a divorce is not that easy.
    It will also become complicated if kids are in the picture. Further, there is no guarantee to have a perfect soul mate in the second or third marriage. Above everything else, there is a stigma. It is even there just like a glass ceiling in the urban and modern society too.

    However, no one would think about such social reason when their life (marriage and life in general) is at risk. It is like jumping out from the 2nd or 3rd floor when a fire erupted in that building. You know jumping might break your legs, but it is worth to save your life. However, no one would dare to jump or think about jumping until there is no other options left.
    Moreover, not everyone jumps either. It needs some courage, support, and strength. There will be many who would die in the fire accident instead of jumping out - just because of the fear of breaking their legs, they would wait until some miracle happens to save them. Poor them, as fire would catch them in no time.

    Divorce is not an easy answer. It is like jumping out of a 2 or 3 story building. Obviously you need some courage to face the world afterwards. But finding an alternate partner while being married is no less than jumping from the frying pan to the fire.

    I hope you would change your POV about marriage soon.
     
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  3. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    Really I am amazed at your conclusions. Definitely if it's cheating there can be no discussion. One can cheat in ever so many intelligent ways. Please don't assume things.

    Also just because people get married, it may not have anything to with being civilized.

    We can be creative even within a marriage (those esp., that are compelled by their beliefs) or fulfill obligations and desires even outside the marriage, provided the purpose of nature intended to be fulfilled by marriage (for which it is designed).

    Our ancients too were liberal, creative, broadminded and experimental till the Mughals and British (read Victorian) started ruling us.

    Also let's keep in mind that what is legal need not be moral or vice versa. So just being technically legal may not be the answer. It must have moral dimension added to it as well. Divorcing may be legal and not really moral. (This may be the reason some religions prohibit it).

    I too am searching for a solution through ideas, in this discussion, as a social issue. And the given is that the relationship between partners is one based on openness, trust, fairness and mutual understanding whether married are not.

    Hope to keep this discussion impersonal, intellectual and polite.
     
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  4. msindu

    msindu Bronze IL'ite

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    1. Not being open with each other. You should be able to share everything with each other, otherwise what is purpose of marriage.

    2. Ego, neither party willing to let go of situations to patch up. Atleast one party should calm down during a fight and think logically. When two parties are on aggression they fail to think and let emotions take over.

    3. Forcing beliefs on each other.

    4. Career >> family these days

    5. Feminism. Too much freedom is bad thing just as too much oppression is bad thing. The products of too much freedom (rebellious teenagers, teenage pregnancy, i don't care attitude). Some women think the shorter the dress = more freedom. Freedom means being allowed to do what you want that is ethically not necessarily socially accepted, not doing something just because you want to (even if it infringes on others rights. No matter what men or women say, we have our own roles in life (can man give birth to baby?).

    6. Should work on finances as couple not as single person.

    7. Children priority taking back seat these days over personal freedom. If you have given birth to a child it is your duty to protect, defend and provide for them.
     
  5. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear msindu,
    Yes. It all boils down to excellent human relations skills born out of one's intrinsic nature. Once these factors are there the relationship falls in place. The relationship can be a formal marriage or both being just friendly "partners".

    I agree. There must be openness, fairness, honesty, trust and understanding between the partners.
     
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Nandita.....can you please stop the teasing and give us the alternatives in simple words that you think are better than marriage or divorce.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2014
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  7. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    YM ..this is just to put fellow posters out of misery..Been there done that with dear old(young ?) Nandu.
    Now for the drum roll please ...The Alternative.
    Women stay in matriarchal societies..where partners exist as long as the woman (+man?) wants/finds a better partner.Kids born
    out of this relation will be raised by mother/her siblings/mother etc..
    Once a better partner comes along the relationship is quietly dissolved and the partner disappears(into the night heheheeh) End of story ..
    The kids and the mother with the new partner live happily ever after (ooops no until another partner comes along)
    Edited to add: The male influence in the childs life will be mothers brother/mothers father not the biological father of the child.
    Essentially in this scheme kids live in families they are born into while partners come and go...
     
  8. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    partners = live-in, openness = be open about other partners to all partners, fairness = be fair to let the partners have as many partners as they like, honesty = do not hide feelings about partners, trust = be assured that partners tell/do all to all, understanding between partners = understand needs of all partners to adjust - no jealousy no judging - my life I live yet join hands so I am not alienated.
     
  9. testmypatience

    testmypatience Senior IL'ite

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    Good one! Every thing moral today, at some point of time, may turn immoral..
    Change is the only constant thing in this world..
     
  10. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

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    we live in Today's world.
     
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