Threat that threatens everything

defeatedwife · Sep 23, 2014

Hi ladies. Sorry in advance for the long post. I tried to add paragraphs but it posted it as one big block of text. My husband of more than a decade (we also have an 8 year old son) who has been very laidback both at work and home (Doesn't help out with anything at home) now threatens to kill himself because he feels like he has no aim or purpose in life. He was never ambitious. In fact, he doesn't even like it when I push him to change jobs or move up the career ladder. Things are not going very well at work though he is brilliant and has high potential. He does have some hormonal issues for which he is taking medication. I sometimes suspect it is adding to his problems and am trying to get him to see the doctor.I am a strong woman who usually can take care of my own problems (I've had my own share in my marriage and 50% of the time, I am to blame. I am career oriented, he is not. I am extroverted, he is not. We've had big fights but usually, they end with him giving me the silent treatment and me apologizing no matter who started the whole thing. I cannot say I am entirely happy but most of the time, things go well and I am OK with my life. I find things to keep my happy), but in this case, not only am I heartbroken, I am also scared to death. I have tried to solve the current problem by being as nice as I can and not bringing up any of my issues for a month. But within a month, due to some random trigger (me changing my mind about something), his mood went back to square one and he repeated the same dreaded phrase. Sometimes, I feel like he does it to upset me but at other times, I don't know. He probably is very sad. He may not have the courage or the will power to go ahead and do anything drastic, but even the idea that he hates his life so much hurts. After all, I am a big part of that life. Makes me feel worthless and that everything I have done for the past 11 years has gone waste! Also, I am very worried that this will be the rest of my life. Crying and pleading month after month, waiting for his bad mood to go away. I feel like I cannot keep doing this. But what choice do I have? I am not thinking only about myself, but also about my son, my parents (who would die if they saw me in the state I am in now) and his parents who are also very nice. Divorce in my mind is out of question. I have given a lot to this marriage and so has he. I don't feel like life would be better if we separated. He sometimes mentions the word but that is when we have big fights about unresolved issues. I have nowhere to go. No one to talk to. To the outside world, we are a happy family. I cannot think of doing anything bad to myself. I have a small kid and he must not suffer, no matter what! What's the point in living a life like this? I feel defeated and drained. Has anyone gone through a similar situation? I would love to hear your experiences and advice.

ZenSojourner · Sep 23, 2014

He needs to get some counseling at once. He may need medication, or to have the treatment for his hormonal condition re-evaluated as hormone treatments are absolutely NOTORIOUS for causing and/or worsening mood problems.

This is not your fault and you can't change anything about it unless and until he gets some medical help - and counseling/therapy IS medical help. Then all you can do is be supportive when possible. If he had cancer - it would not be your responsibility to cure him. That is how you need to think of this situation.

defeatedwife · Sep 23, 2014

@ZenSojourner, thanks for the response. Yes, I have been trying to convince him to seek support but he is very stubborn. Another fear of mine is that if something happens, I will not be able to live with the guilt that I kept all this to myself. But if I reveal it to his doctor, he will see it as a betrayal.

Which is why I feel helpless. Any solution that I come up with is met with a lot of resistance.

Ragini25 · Sep 23, 2014

doctor needs to get involved. Absolutely. Hopefully you can convince your H. Even otherwise, doctor needs to be informed without wasting further time. Doc can refer him to a specialist (psychiatrist possibly) for right medication.

Alildream · Sep 23, 2014

Some hormonal imbalances such as cushing's disease and hypothyroidism is associated with depression. Once under treatment, depression is usually cured after sometime. There could also be an underlying mood disorder in your husband. I would suggest you go see a physician and reevaluate his hormonal imbalance which you say he has. If that is normal, talk to him about a psychiatric consultation. Be gentle but firm. Tell him how worried you are when he threatens suicide. Understand that there is stigma associated with psychiatric illness so be tactful when you have that conversation. Do not emotionally blackmail or show that you are disappointed etc. this will make matters worse. All the best dear.

tashidelek2002 · Sep 23, 2014

In case of some serious situation, in USA you can call the cops if the person is going to harm themselves and they come and put the person in a psychiatric facility for a short amount of time (don't know length for Texas). This is to interrupt in case of attempting suicide. I am just letting you know so you know one option should it be needed.

memeera1234 · Sep 23, 2014

Consult a good doctor. Maybe the hormonal pills are taking a toll. I feel your DH needs a break. As you said, he is hardworking and talented but nothing worthwhile is going on in his career, he might be frustrated. Sometimes when we put our best into something and still nothing positive to our advantage comes our way, we are bound to get depressed. I feel this is what your DH is going through at the moment. Added to that maybe the boredom in everyday life. I suggest you as a family take a break and go on a vacation. Try to speak to him that you love him and you r there for him always..instill some confidence in him.

bulesha · Sep 23, 2014

In my view, it is you who need a treatment. Most of unhappiness in marriage is because of expectation, dominance & both want to change each other. Why are you not accepting him the way he is? Why you want him to be careered oriental, extroverted if he doesn’t? Believe me you can’t change him, that’s what nature is:. Living in married life is all about adjustment. I am sure you must be nagging him every day for it that’s the reason of your unhappiness. The positive side of your miss-match individual qualities is that can complement each other and can become asset for your married life. Most of people forget life beyond rat race cut throat competition to reach at the top & than realise what they have not lived at all & by that time it is too late.
This is my 16 years of happy married life crux , we too are just opposite in nature but given space to each other to enjoy and at the same time enjoy in our space too.
Introspect once.

pear · Sep 23, 2014

If your H is not willing to see the doctor you could go for consultation with his prescription.

Akanksha1982 · Sep 23, 2014

Maybe instead of job, can he join some consulting company and do consulting. This way, he just has to focus on his work only and not worry about evaluation or peer pressure. Maybe moving to a different state (California) would help where people are more accommodating and friendly.

Have him go for physical exam and get some blood tests done. Maybe there is some imbalance. Inform the doctor ahead so he can order the appropriate blood tests.

The best would be psychiatrist. They can prescribe some antidepressant medicines that can help (abilify, zoloft etc). There are also over the counters like 5-HTP or Niacin or B-100 complex that would help (get the blood tests done).

Finally go on vacation so a change will help. Go to places like Hawaii or Cancun. The natural beauty may give him inspiration.

If not any of the above, maybe join some temple or volunteering activities where as a family you all can participate and help out. He will meet new people, make friends etc. Swadhyay parivar, Swami Narayan temple or any other such institutions will be useful.