Would like to take your views on this one.

Joyoflife · Sep 22, 2014

Hello friends,

My thread is about my best friend. I would like to have your views regarding this, which according to me is very trivial. Even though it's a small issue but my friend is loosing her sleep over it. My friend's husband is a very nice man, a true gentleman I would say. He comes from a lower middle class family. They are married from last 11 years. My friend comes from a very good financial background. She is a very well educated, sophisticated and hardworking girl. she is a homemaker by choice, the way she runs her home has made a huge difference in their social status. They live in a western country and her husband is doing very good career wise. They have all the needed luxuries.

My friends actual problem is her in laws are big leeches. She has two married older bils. Her mil is very attached to her own sibling, so is always indirectly asking money from my friends husband. Since they are married from last 11years, my friends silent protest and all have reduced the financial a lot help which her husband provides to his family. My friends husband owned an asset back in India which was worth around 4 lakh indian rupees and they sold it, around the same time her bil was going through a big financial turmoil so All the money went to him. My friends husband never asked his brother to return the money and he never returned it. Whenever my friend and her husband visit her bil, her husband loads his nephews with gifts acc to him they are kids they should be gifted by their uncle. While bils family gives cheap gifts to her sons. My friends mil never wishes her on b"days but she never forgets to ask for more money and still talks bad about her to relatives and neighbours. She never appreciates that her dil has helped her son a lot in reaching where he is.

My friends husband genuinely respects my friends family. They were going through some unexpected financial hardships and he helped them financially. Later on all the money was returned to him with interest by my friends family. They are very nice people. They appreciate their sil. When they visit India my friends husband never forces her to spend more time at in laws. She spends only a week at her inlaws and close to two months at her parents. He is a very good father. There is not even a single thing which she would say and he won't do it. He understands her issues with his family and silently supports her. He would never tolerate if his family would say anything about her on his face. He respects her and values her presence in his life. He never wants her to play an ideal bahu role. But he just wants her to maintain a reasonably cordial relationship with his mother,which is by making her speak to his mother once in two weeks.

Now coming to my friends issues. She does not like him being so generous with his family. She says when she has compromised a lot with her necessities to teach where they are now, why he donates so much money to his family. Why he loads his nephews with expensive gifts, while she always hunts for sales when it comes to shopping for her sons.

I always tell all this is not worth losing her sleep. But says it's easy for me to say so because I do not have to face all this.

She was beautiful bubbly girl, but she is very depressed these days. I want to teach her how to emotionally detach herself from her in laws. I want to teach her how to appreciate her husband more. He showers her with a lot of love, she has full freedom to buy anything although she doesn't do it.

This issue is very small as compared to other issues posted here, but please give your inputs on this. My friend is always worried for all this, All this is giving her a lot of stress. I want to help her to be a content person. Please give your suggestions how can I bring her to her normal self and your views on the issues she is facing.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for your time.

Grihani · Sep 22, 2014

If you see in the 'Relationship with in-laws' section, you will find many posts touching upon this kind of Money issues with In-laws. This is something almost every other married couple faces in Indian marriages, though the degree of actual (suffering?) varies.

In India, the ELDEST son, the ONLY son, or the son living ABROAD unless very very shrewd is forced to be in the position that your friend's husband is. It is something that is very much taken for granted, and is considered a default duty. Sons are raised to provide for their parents, for them it is a default responsibility similar to the one they have for their own wife and kids, in fact in many cases, the family takes precedence. It gets very frustrating for the wife ( and kids) when they are the recieving end of the side effects of any financial hardship. There is nobody to understand her point of view. The husband will always justify saying that he never does any less for her or his kids. I would advice her to talk it out with her husband than fight about it. Instead of asking him not to give, she can explain why it should be lesser than what he is giving, she should explain what they earn should be saved for future because at times of need nobody will help them, or they wont ask others. She should make sure enough money is put aside for their own future. At least ask him to budget in such a way that he gives yet it never feels like a burden. It is very tricky, because Indian men will never understand....it takes a lot of persuation and tact to drive this point across. The problem here is not her in-laws but her own husband. If he gets the point, problem solved.

Here is one of my other posts http://www.indusladies.com/forums/r...ws/261255-why-sons-treated-unfairly-like.html

Joyoflife · Sep 22, 2014

Grihani I totally agree with you. She has a huge patience and with all her efforts her husbands money contributions have reduced as compared to the early years of marriage but all this has taken a big toll on her personality. All her other bils are abroad as well. Whenever they visit her other bils, my friends husband makes it a point that they stay in a hotel because he does not want to trouble his brothers. I completely agree that in such cases problem is with the husband not his family because he has happily agreed to be a doormat. But sad part is all this takes a big toll on the wife married to a man like that. I am just telling her to be strong emotionally. I just want to teach her to emotionally detach herself from all these people.

Shina · Sep 22, 2014

She has so many reasons to be happy but she chooses to focus on this issue and ruins her own happiness. She needs to focus her attention on what is good in her married life and H and as u can see there is a lot of it.when one has got such a good husband getting depressed over this issue is totally unwise.

He has compromised and has reduced his spending on them significantly so she needs to compromise too and that too without any grudge.Her husband seems to be generous by nature as he happily helped her family out too so she should let him do things for his nephew and other family members as that makes him happy. Just my two cents.

blossomingbud · Sep 22, 2014

Money matters are like salt in a dish. You won't comment on it when it is in correct proportion. But you will certainly notice when it is missing. They can ruin a relationship. 11 years is a long relationship. And I am sure its just not about money. Its about emotional stress. Your friend may constantly think "am I and my kids have lesser priority than In-Laws?". It is certainly a thought which can steal your peace of mind and sleep.

I would like to suggest the following

Ask your friend to prepare a monthly expenditure and income sheet. It don't have to be 100% accurate but it should have all regular expenses and personal allowances. Then show it to her husband and let him decide an amount which he thinks is appropriate for gifts. This may exclude medical emergencies. Then create a account or fund separately and deposit that money every month. once the amount has been accumulated, husband can but whatever he wants to gift. Your friend should be detached from this gift buying or deciding process. They can revisit the expenses regularly like once every 6 months. Her husband sounds like a reasonable person. I hope when he sees the figures he will think logically.

yellowmango · Sep 22, 2014

I can understand what your friend feels.It is not the helping that hurts...it is the taking for granted ,misusing your goodness that hurts.I have had fights about this so many times.I work very hard to have a good simple life ...why should our savings subsidize luxuries for his sibling?Why should I make dresses for my girls myself when they get everything designer for theirs.Why should I wash my curtains and quilts at home while they get even their everyday clothes dry cleaned.If they have such a good life...why keep asking for money from us.

Any objections were met with ..."have I ever stopped you from buying stuff for yourself or the girls".The fact is that I will never over spend more than we can because I care about our future ....so why should we subsidize someone else 's present high lifestyle with our future savings.

Finally ...when a demand for a big amount came because they wanted to upgrade to a bigger house as they like to entertain often....I asked my husband to buy me big diamonds. I told him...you said I could buy anything I want.Finally he told the sibling to get a loan.I got my diamonds....he was ready to buy the big ones but I settled for the reasonable one.I hope this is the end of the begging from "big life style sibling".

You can ask your friend to buy some jewelery for future just before the demand comes or vacation time.Tell her to buy gifts of bil's kids at the same time as she buys for her own on sale.

pear · Sep 22, 2014

Dear op,

Your friend feels bad as she scouts for discounts to buy for her kids when the H buys costly gifts for his nephews.This situation could be improved if she joins her H in giving gifts.She could plan and make those purchases during discount times.You dont always have to go in search for latest expensive versions(this is a valuable learnt lesson).

Mostly not all the gifts from foreign countries is of much use, so a followup could improve matters.The heavily expensive electric gadgets,video games ,the collection toys are of not much use and appreciated unless they know thier value . Instead of them some not so expensive but attractive useful gifts combined with chocolates could hit the plus button.If the kids are grown up you could gift clothes or something in gold purchased from india (something in gold will be more appreciated than expensive video games)

Explain to your friend that her H is a good man ,so she had to accept him with all his goodness.The consideration he shows her will also be extended to all his relatives. He may like to give a slice of life that he enjoys to his parents and siblings family.He may not be doing it in the right manner ,but his his spirit of gifting is right.If your friend joins with him they can reduce the wastage.

Akanksha1982 · Sep 22, 2014

I think your friend and her husband should allocate a set amount for his family a year and not exceed that. We have a set amount $10K per year. Of course, most years he spends not more than $3-$5K but that is the amount that we have set for his siblings and parents etc. I call it the NRI tax. In most cases this tax is needed as the society there is constantly ringing in their ears, "You have dollars raining, why you are counting money for you it is just $500, why are you using old phone, tablet, car, fridge, etc" while we are outside over here. So they need something to stay good in the society.

Believe me this is just a phase and after a few years, it will die. Earlier we have carried 4 suitcases filled with all the goodies. Nowadays, we take only our clothes and if anyone wants anything we buy it locally.

Joyoflife · Sep 22, 2014

Shina said: ↑

She has so many reasons to be happy but she chooses to focus on this issue and ruins her own happiness. She needs to focus her attention on what is good in her married life and H and as u can see there is a lot of it.when one has got such a good husband getting depressed over this issue is totally unwise.

He has compromised and has reduced his spending on them significantly so she needs to compromise too and that too without any grudge.Her husband seems to be generous by nature as he happily helped her family out too so she should let him do things for his nephew and other family members as that makes him happy. Just my two cents.
Click to expand...

Shina thts what I always tell her, to be happy for what she has. Her husband is a very generous man by nature and so was my friend but life has changed her a lot. She has sacrificed a lot. She likes her husband generous nature but she hates it when she sees that he is being taken for granted by his family.

Joyoflife · Sep 22, 2014

blossomingbud said: ↑

Money matters are like salt in a dish. You won't comment on it when it is in correct proportion. But you will certainly notice when it is missing. They can ruin a relationship. 11 years is a long relationship. And I am sure its just not about money. Its about emotional stress. Your friend may constantly think "am I and my kids have lesser priority than In-Laws?". It is certainly a thought which can steal your peace of mind and sleep.

I would like to suggest the following

Ask your friend to prepare a monthly expenditure and income sheet. It don't have to be 100% accurate but it should have all regular expenses and personal allowances. Then show it to her husband and let him decide an amount which he thinks is appropriate for gifts. This may exclude medical emergencies. Then create a account or fund separately and deposit that money every month. once the amount has been accumulated, husband can but whatever he wants to gift. Your friend should be detached from this gift buying or deciding process. They can revisit the expenses regularly like once every 6 months. Her husband sounds like a reasonable person. I hope when he sees the figures he will think logically.
Click to expand...

Exactly blossoming bud, that's what she thinks all the time. All this thinking is draining her emotional energy a lot. That is my biggest concern. She is my best friend and my soul mate. We have known each other since school days and I hate to see her like that. I am really happy that she is married to a very good man but every coin has two sides. She says when she has compromised a lot why can't his family. He agrees to most of the things she says. To keep her happy he directly told his mother that he can not support her relatives but he will be there for her expenses. Which is fine I guess. He does agree to all the financial planing, but can't say no his family. He is a very nice man, he hates to upset her. His 8 year old nephew wanted to visit them for a month, so her husband asked her first that what's her take on this. She said she will go mad looking after three boys( two sons of my frd) for whole month and her husband said no his nephew. This act of her husband deserves a lot of appreciation. My friend has got a lot of negativity from her in laws which has made her forget to see the positives.