What should I do now?

Hi all,

Hope you are doing good. Had been home for vacation & back to my place. Though this time I am not crying I know my life is heading in a different direction altogether..Hope god gives me peace..I dont want anything else.

MIL did not speak a word to me since day one. She did not even call me inside when I reached home at 1 am in the night. She just opened the door went to her room & shut it. Stopped cooking from next day & did not eat what I cooked. She left home early in the morning & just rushes into her room in afternoon..Again leaves home in the evening & comes in the night. Did not respond to her son's calls too. She had shaved her head & I sympathised her. I took onam gifts for her & when I tried talking she did not even turn to my direction..she just left the place. H is telling she is sick nowadays & she had told him that she would talk to me only when she feels so. Also when I asked about treatments he told she doesnt take tablets. But she seems healthy gets outside food & eats it. It was my first onam after marriage & she shut herself in the room..

I was angry told dh that this is not the way how a home should be. He told me to ignore her completely & that is the only way. I told am not happy & he told he cant help much as he cant leave his ailing mom. He himself told that either I have to ignore her & live at his home happily or go to my parents place & he will come and meet me occasionally . I told I cant bring disgrace to my parents so he told he will look for a separate accommodation & he will be with me few days a week.

I went to my future job place where I will be getting transferred soon & saw the accommodation too. It was wonderful. I told him I am getting prepared as I cant expect more from him & he was like I wont leave you at any cost & started crying..He started blaming himself for telling me to live alone & asked sorry.

He is a nice guy & I truly love him. My doubts are I am sort of ok with living alone rather than torturing him just like his mom.. We even met with a minor accident this time..These issues are taking a toll on both of us. He being affected the maximum. Whatever bad happens he starts blaming himself & takes guilt trips. He curses himself of inflicting physical & mental pain to me. He is a v positive person & nowadays he tells he is unlucky for me..He is getting insecure & totally stressed. Also our marriage is still not consummated & this time we noticed he had ED..All this is eating up my mind..
Is my decision right? or should I stay there it self & ignore her completely. Really dont know what to do..How to handle this situation?

 

Married for 9 months..we meet Three to four days a month & we take alternate turns. Leave problems, travel expenses limit our visits..Earlier he was v well & it was me who was having that immense pain & he was v supportive . This time I was ready to bear the pain but could feel the difference in his and communicated it to him. He was devastated & tried hard to perform. But seeing the amount of stress he was putting in I stopped him & made him take rest. This is next addition to our long list of worries

 

Thank you ym & rmuramka fro your words.

Ym Regarding living arrangement No it is not going to be possible. I even asked him taking a big home with separate portion for his mom as he promised earlier but now seeing her plight he is telling this is only going to aggravate the problems further. This lady is now too adamant for anything. My SIL herself is not able to talk to her it seems. She has threatened suicide also I think & H is literally worried now as he has never seen his mom this way in the past. As you suggested earlier H has had enough talks & arguments with her stating that he wants to live a life with me & all she says is I will go somewhere & you both live happily. he becomes worried whenever she utters this & she is capable of doing that too to make our lives still more miserable.
H is a person who wants his loved ones to be happy. His intentions are genuine & since I love him deeply am not able to ask him for separate living arrangement instead I find it ok to even stay away from him. If something happens to her that guilt will affect our relationship which I dont want to. So I am just struck up..Am I being wrong here? What else can I do in this situation?

 

@ ym all you said is definitely right. Hope god does something to restore peace in our household. H's father has died of a premature heart attack at a young age & he has the same genes in him. H is a v soft spoken person & he is under depression. I dont want to harm him further. I have a v strong support system & emotional security from my family but he has no one to even talk to except me. Yes I am denied the normal rights of a wife but am ready to bear it for his well being. If his mom had thought a fraction of it she would not have been this way.

I dont want to leave any stone unturned from my part. After my transfer I would be living with them & am v much ok if she shuts up this way. But for how long. She will definitely come up with the next tantrum..I will bear it upto the limit that is tolerable to me.Let him see with his own eyes & he should act rather than me pushing him to do something so that I wont be blamed in the later stage. He is still confident that this is a temporary phase and his mom is not that way & she will surely come back.
So my last resort is temporary separation for my own peace.
My mom is well informed of all the problems & is under the notion that a child will divert attention if we both really love each other & that might bring some peace. But i am skeptical..Coming to initmacy she too was shocked but again we had not been together even for a month since marriage so we being together is the first priority before we think of anything else..Benefit of doubt comes in each issue making it difficult to make a firm decision.