Very unique life god has given me! I donno how to move next:(

I am here to vent out loud

We are three sisters and I am the last one. My father planned very well to do the marriage of all 3 of us before his retirement. He did it. I got married a decade back. Few meetings before marrige between my family members and my husband,my husband found few odd things. First my husband started all marraige dealings with my maternal uncle who is a local person in same city. Me and my husband are from a different city which need 7 hrs train travel.First of all my husband didnt like my uncle at all because during the very first meeting he lied for few things like wearing spec is not really neccesary(but I am wearing a power glass) she can work after marriage (but I am not committed for working). also few arguments for buying bed size and also pinpointing the budget in front of him when they took my husband for buying suits. one big argument was we are Iyers and only in our family women also wear sacred thread which I was also wearing with my very own wish becoz I wanted to chant Gayathri mantra and I was told and grew up in that way. you can imagine its a small family cult,the guru is my mother's parents and I was grew up with faith and beliefs from my birth. My husband was not told about this

But I didnt know any of the arguments and clashes my husband had with my uncle. My husband and me talk a lot over the phone and sometimes do skype. Like that on a casual talk I told that my uncle's daughter is going to have upanayanam. I didnt know that I have to hide this to my husband. He was shocked and surprised and asked me that are you also wearing the thread. I said Yes!. That's it! He again went to my uncle's house and questioned him what is going on, we were not told about this and my uncle said this is not a big deal at all if your family does not want her wear then she can very well remove it!!!!!! Again I was not told about this argument these are all before marriage. My husband smelled that something is wrong with the family but WE BOTH ALREADY STARTED LOVING EACH OTHER!! we met each other 5 or 6 times between the enagement and marriage and he showed me the land he bought and very soon he is going to build the house and dreaming that I am the queen and all those wonderful dreams and we talk a lot about how much he loved me and he made me very comfortable that I dont feel that he is new pewrson in my life. For that and more than that I STILL LOVE HIM!

Marriage was done in a very well elaborated manner with all respect with respect both families were very happy. This was lasted for 2 months. Then problem started. My husband built a beautiful dream house. I started working with hubby full encouragement becoz I was not good in english so with all positive attitude I started my work. We had our house ceremony and that was very successful. after that shifting to the new house. there the problem started. There was distant relative function in my city which i was requesting my husband that I want to go. But he was saying that we need to do shifting so you have to take leave. By the time he came to know that I am influenced by my maternal crowd. So I went to that function and told my husband that I cant take leave more than 2 days because I was a fresher and took leave for the distant relative function. My idea is if I go to that function I can meet all of my relatives. But that was my MISTAKE! All problem started from there. Arguments, arguments, complaints on me for each and everything, and I was told by my one of Aunt that we should not postpone the first child. I was arguing for that. So my husband unable to handle all of those so he decide dto have child with lot of friction only. He had lot of plans like have to plan for 2 years. first understand each other. He want to take me to US before we have child and good intimacy has to have before child all those colourful dreams even after those arguments.

He beleived his love that he had for me so he agreed to have child. That was a MISTAKE! I got conceived and the problem became worse and worse. I was having a very bad morning sickness started losing weight and was unable do any work and dont have interest on anything because the friction is getting very intense. people who played a vital role in influencing me is my uncle, his wife, my 2nd elder sister and my older brother in law and ofcourse my parents. apart from them I dont know who else was in the background. I was like daily my husband pick up something for the fight and in turn i will have long face and he will be more upset. inbetween the above said people will call me and influenced me. My mind set is i dont know anything good or bad. I started giving daily activies and and if any fight happened that will also go to them thro me and they gave advice like you react like this that.... This is all during my pregnency. An dmy uncle and father manipulated that my husband is torchring me and he needs some intervention. My elder brother-in-law started threatning my husband saying that there is a case against you for dowry harrasment. again MISTAKE!! he torchered my husband for 10 days. All drama done by my uncle and father and they used bil for that. My bil started send messages like there is police case on my husband and started to threaten like police is going to come to your house anytime. My husband was shattered and shocked and feared and it was a big trauma for him. these things happened without my knowledge they all hided from me becoz i was pregnant. a police woman came to my parents house asked for the signature saying that my husband is not keeping me well. Fortunately I refused very strongly and said there was a small family misunderstanding between me and my husband and we can sort it out with in our family. Thank you for taking care. If I need anything I will let you know. Currently I dont need your help. Then I called my husband, he also told me the same thing that he has to sign a document saying that he will keep his wife safely and the content is all one sided putting my husband's family in hell. My husband fortuanately didnt sign that and he has had his lawyer with him. WORST DAYS IN OUR MARRIAGE!!! then my IL's came for compromise by doing seemantham function and called all our family and it was done in a very grand manner but my husband was feeling like he was standing in a very sharp thorns hurting his ego very badly. This happened in 2005

Now this turns into vengence, grudge, retaliation feeling, all kinds negative feelings.... My husband first step is stopped going to any of our relatives including my parents. Then our baby was born and after 2 months only we came to know that has Downsyndrome!!! Another shock, non-acceptance, crying... I started slowly realising that I should keep a big distance from my family members. My husband lost all his love on me and our relationship is completely gone. everyother day he use to tell me what has happened to him because of our family. why this is happened to me? "all I wanted is to start a beautiful and colorful life with you in my dream house. I loved you so much and you in part with your family betrayed me" I AGREE WITH MY HUSBAND!! I lost my life and he lost his life. But still we as a husband and wife tried much to patch up by going for vacations but our baby was born with DS so that is reminding him all the bad things happened to him everyday. pinpointing and blaming.................................. I kept quiet whenever he shouts and yell at me. Sometimes with frustration i will give it back with few insults that he didnt to me but those are all became very tiny in front of what my family did to him.

 

then we came to US on my husband's work transfer. Many function came in my family including my parenys 60th borthday but somehow I DONT want to go for any of them after this 2005 incident happened. I slowly started realizing how my family members are behaving and keeping away from me. I also stopped talking to many of my relatives and talking only to my parents and only to my sisters and their kids but not with my bil and in 2010 I completely admit to my husband and apologising to him and to my in laws and crying like anything and I was on guilt and donno what to do.

So inbetween 2005 and 2010 my eldest bil and my father had lot of arguments that my bil was not allowed in the pooja room becuase the cult has some dress code and they need to get mantra upadesam to enter all those things and my bil started nagging my family wrting letters to him saying there is no respect for a son-in-law in the family and illtreating the soninlaw by giving food in the varanda....... all those kind of fight he started. also sending email to to bunch of people asking for justice and by the time he realised that he did a BIG mistake to my husband and wrote an apologizing letter and also talk with my husband directly thro skype saying that he did a big mistake and so sorry for that. Also both my sister apolagized to my husband especially bu youger sister influenced me during my early marriage days But that was too late!!! Damage is a Damage and his reputation spoilt in the family as well as in the work place. So he is unable to forgive them.

Another bad truth came out from my eldest sister that she was raped by my youngest uncle when she was in collage. This is actually true because I also faced kind of same but more like he tried to molest me and I ran to my grandmother(mother's mom) and slept. I was around 8 or 9 years I didnt even know what was he upto and I feared very much to say this out to anyone. My sister said she complained about this to one of the aunty (who is this uncle's sister) basically all are my mom's bothers and sister. We are more attached to them but unfortuanate I dont know how to react at that very small age. I reaveled this to my husband when my sister broke this truth and again my husband was in shock and my father was very furious why you girls didnt tell me this before. And the worst thing he asked me is what is the proof??. That's it!! I blasted my father over phone and cut the call. My eldest bil started sending emails with very abusive words towards my family members and eldest uncle(who had clashes with my husband) filed a case against him and put him in jail for a week. That's it. I got completely cut the relationship with my parents family including my sisters for 2 years.

in april 2012, I requested my husband that I wanted to keep in touch with my sisters. No surprise he refused. Why I want to talk to sisters again...

1. they apologized to my husband in writing and also verbally( I know the damage is irrepairable)
2. they both are not in touch with my parents and the whole family.
3.in a way my sisters are also influenced by my uncle and father and other family members.
4 I started feeling very very lonely and becoz of all the mess my inlaws relatives also not talking much(I dont blame them)
5. I am not anymore how I was in 2004
6. I learned all my lesson and I am choosing the person with lot of cautious.
7. I dont see any changes with my husband in the 2 years when I was not in touch with anyone.
8. I need family support to handle my child's chalenges. I want to share my struggles my husband not interested anymore to listen to me.

So now current situation is still we have problems and he never appreciate me that I am not in touch with my family members. I am ashamed to call them "my family members" I am not expecting that appreciation but when he pinpoints all the negative things why not telling this positive thing?

I completely understand my husband's situation that one one can forgive if their married life was spoiled by 3rd person that too if its by the bride family then its gone. But its been 5 years I am not in touch with those people. I am talking only to my sisters that too just venting about my child's chalenges and how much stressful it is to handle everyday. I dont have much friends i have 2 or 3 that too I have to be very carefull not hurt my child's disability while talking or meeting with them.

I am still working on our relationship. Whenever he sees my sisters no.in the call history his blood boils and that day will spoil.

Now coming to the very current situation, no sex life at all. Its always missing after 2 months of marriage. now its very rare. this is the main problem from the beginning we tried to go somewhere or relax something or the other is coming. one I am getting tired at the end of the day 2.work tension comes up,3. my inlaws are very old like 81 and 76 and they are having all kind of medical problems and also they are feeling bad that we are here in US even though they know we are here for our child. 4. all his relatives put us in a guilt saying parents are old enough but we are not doing the duty and then on top of it all old 2005 story will start. keeps on pinpointing that he has marry a different person. He made a wrong choice.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

 

raji,I know how you feel after reading the post. I didnt cover many incidents which will take another few hours to write here and few pages. I know this second life God gave it to me. Thanks for the first feedback and patiently read through my post.

[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]Rajeni, Thank you so much for the positive words. I completely admit that whether things happened with or without my knowledge, I take the responsibility and I realize how painful it is on day to day life. Regarding talking to sisters, I definitely need to talk to vent out I am not justifying anything but I dont know how to explain why I want to talk with them. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Geneva, sans-serif]Your husband has suffered a lot for no real mistake of his, I really feel sorry for him. From what you have written, it looks like he loved you so much and had very high hopes and dreams about your future together. Your family has spoiled their own child's life, but I would not say that you are not at mistake, you should have known whats happening in your life. Anyway, dont loose hope, dont let the past discourage you, nothing is impossible. You husband has loved you once, you can rekindle it. I can understand that you are going through a lot with your child's current situation. But, wear a positive attitude, your H is hating you now coz he loved you so much once and he was deeply hurt for that. Now, you show that you love him, go out of way to make life easier for him and make him happy. Importantly talk to him that there is still a long way to go and you want to walk with him together. Do not cry or lament, but talk calmly, make him understand that you are a different person now and a loving person. Most importantly, have patience. Nothing will happen ovenight. This needs continuous efforts from you to repair the damage, but things will change for good.[/FONT]

Also, regarding talking to your sisters, I would suggest you go by your husband's word. Just coz he didnt appreciate your not talking to them, it doesnt mean he will not care if u did. You didnt talk to them coz they have wronged you too. Dont expect your husband to appreciate it. Let you husband accept you first, till then your sisters and family can wait.

Pray and trust in God! Stay confident, happy days are ahead!

YM, you explained it short and crisp. Thanks.

Dear Op...you were a party to the abuse he suffered. While the choice of abusing was in your hand....getting forgiveness is not in your hand. It is not like the man is sulking for some small reason...he was humiliated for years and sent police notice. Most people would not just lose the love for their partner ...but start hating them.Just be patient and take care of your child and husband.

Thanks so much Harini!