What would you do?

klniha · Sep 3, 2014

Hi ladies,
Not a critical issue but still wanted your opinion fast, need to act today.

So my DH is very reserved and all, in the beginning of our marriage, whenever I used to tell him to wish my parents' on their bdays, he never did, got away saying shy, busy or no formality etc but wished his parents. Later, I realised its better I call mine and give him the phone, that works and liking or disliking it, he still wishes coz I hand over the phone. Same, when I am with my parents on their bday, he calls my phone and I give it to them. Now its MILs bday, DH said, call my mom etc., now I dont mind calling but for last 2 times, I only called her, she dint call me. I am on a trip to India. Moreover, my DH never picked up the phone and called my parents' ever, I am always the mediator. So I dint like him telling me to call her.
So do I call or no? Should I leave it as she did not reciprocate my calls and also DH never called my parents' himself, if he had to, he wouldnt have called and I wouldnt fuss. I know its petty but my thoughts about this are too much going on in my head. For the record, I and my MIL dislike each other but get along at face value. I am not a forgiver and hold onto things so I never forgave her for putting bad things about me in my DH's head.

What would you do and what should I do?

buejasmine · Sep 3, 2014

Considering your husband doesn't call your parents on his own and expects you to call his is unfair. You are right if you don't want to call them. But he is going to charge on you saying that he talks to your parents when given the phone. I will suggest you give your MIL a call, if she picks good if not your duty/formality is done. May be just give a missed call and then blame on the network. From my experience I can say the husband and MIL will make a huge deal out of this if you don't call. Spoil your peace and vacation and ur husband might even disrespect your parents next time.

Take care.

jellyjoop · Sep 3, 2014

Dear OP

I have been there ...and have learned to put up with this for the last 18 years. My husband too is a reserved person and hardly ever speaks to anyone. In the last 18 years of married life he must have spoken to my parents voluntarily 3 or 4 times that too because he had to as i was not there around to play the mediator. We lived abroad and he wouldnt talk to his parents instead would ask me to call them up and talk to them. My inlaws were the same like yours...we kept up appearances of being courteous in public although we hated each other. I was fed up of being the messenger for both the sides. I finally told him that if he doesnt talk to my parents he should not expect me to talk to his parents. The fights and arguments finally backfired on me because finally he started talking to his parents on his own without expecting me and they in turn piled up venom about me to him and we ended up fighting even more...and he still doesnt talk to my parents.
So my advice is to you is to ignore these things and talk to your inlaws - be courteous and polite without being too cosy... and dont expect him to be overly friendly with your parents. In the long run you will realise that life is peaceful this way.

Akanksha1982 · Sep 3, 2014

OP, There are many battles in life and we have to choose our battles. Some we win some we don't. I don't think it is worth fighting this battle so go ahead and call her. Be as formal as you can be but be sweet, smiling etc. It will not hurt you but may make your DH satisfied and that's a big thing which you can achieve. Whether you like it or not, your MIL is in your life. So don't add to the problems you already have. Just go ahead and call her.

klniha · Sep 3, 2014

Hi Ladies, So I honored my ego and dint call her. My DH promptly called and enquired if I wished his mom, I told him that the last 2 times I only called her and I feel its time she called me. To which he said, you tell me to wish your parents, ask me to do things etc but dont listen to me, he told me not to ask him to wish my parents or do things. I think eventhough it will hurt I will not wish his parents and he wont wish mine from now on. I chose that to happen instead of wishing her today. I am not sure if that is a wise decision.

hrastro · Sep 3, 2014

Do it now, just tell MIL I kept thinking about your bday but was too busy/ someone came/ when i was free it was your nap time etc.... to pick the phone and call you, so i'm calling today!

klniha, your DH listens to your request and speaks to your parents, right? Same way, you listen to his request and speak to his parent - nowhere there is talk of how either parent behaves with you - DH does for you, you do for DH sake - nothing more, nothing less.

BTW, you asked what I would do - On my bday, I would have called MIL myself and say it is my bday, I want your blessings - over and done !

On her bday - ask her what she wants as gift or buy something she likes - even if it is just some flowers !!

No harm in extending courtesy whether you get along or not !

cutesmile09 · Sep 4, 2014

Hi OP, I think u shd have called ur MIL on her b'day& wished her& spoken to her for 5mins, just a courtesy call would have made your DH's day,Why to give a chance to others(DH&Mil) to pin-point us, let's do our minimum duty&rest leave it to GOD!!

My DH Likes my parents but never speak to them much, he enquired abt them with me but never calls them, he just calls them to wish on their birthday's&anniv,but I know my DH respects them alot but he has minimum contact with them, tht's his nature, whereas I make n number of calls to my MIL&enquire abt them

blackbeauty84 · Sep 4, 2014

I would rather give a one minute call than fighting for days together. I think you can buy peace now rather than fighting it out

memeera1234 · Sep 4, 2014

I understand what you have gone through. I have been through this and know exactly how it feels!!! But as they say " An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind". So, don't make a big issue of this. Same as you, I too don't get along with my MIL much. But just for my hubbys sake, I do the formality of wishing her on her b'day. Same way just give her a courtesy call. Atleast that wont become a hot topic for discussion during a fight with DH..

Meera