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Husband's lack of interest in physical contact

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by hopingbetter, Aug 29, 2014.

  1. hopingbetter

    hopingbetter New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I have been thinking of discussing this problem of mine with someone, but since I am not able to discuss this with my relatives nor friends I finally decided to post it here. I do not think anybody in this forum (or anybody in this world ) would have faced this problem. I have been married for 8 yrs now & have a child 6.5 yrs old. My problem is that my husband is a very unromantic person. During early years of marriage, he used to be mamma's boy & we used to have frequent fights due to MIL issues mainly because she was against our marriage. But somehow we overcome all that & have completed 8 yrs now. The problem is not he being a mamma's boy or MIL issues, the problem which is eating me from inside is his being unromantic to the extent that he is not at all interested in any kind of physical relation with me. I know people would not even believe if I say that in these 8 years of marriage, we had sex only 1-2 times (that too because I took initiative). By god's grace luckily in the 2nd time I got pregnant & now we are parents of a 6.5 yr old girl. After my pregnancy , the distance between us has increased so much that we do not even have physical contact let alone sex, not even holding hands, a hug, a kiss or anything like that. I used to feel very hurt and irritated & so dejected that I used to show this anger on my kid for some other reason. So we have been living just liked roommates all these years now & I have never complained nor talked about it to him. He does not even seem to understand the reason of my frustration. Except any kind of physical contact, rest everything is fine like we go out for movie , we got for short holidays, dine out etc & he is also a very supportive husband in terms of helping me in my household chores, understands my office tensions etc & even the frequents of fights between us has come down after the birth of the child. But I always feel that no love exists in our relationship & that we are continuing in this relationship only for the sake of our child. Now he has gone abroad for a long term assignment & I am staying alone with my child as I am working. He is a very caring husband & a caring father in terms of everything else. Even though he is currently not in India, he calls us everyday , is chatting with me throughout , wants to see us on skype everyday & is also feeling very bored without us that he has decided to take us there by the end of this year. Would any of you reading this post be able to give me any solution? Gents out there, could you suggest me reasons as to why he lacks this interest? The only problem I feel is that he is overweight. Would that be a reason?
     
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  2. sacredbell

    sacredbell Silver IL'ite

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    It's friday again !!!

    physical intimacy is cyclic and its very normal from my understanding. But OP's case is different and there is no physical attraction at all , which is NOT NORMAL. Even if you are not physically attracted each other, you should have much better intimacy rate in last 8 years. Many families, especially arranged marriages, who are not physically attracted to each other lead successful life with intimacy.

    my husband once told, men feel less urge towards their wives after long term possession. Same person may find other women more attractive even though she is not so good looking. Other women trigger their inner senses better. I don't know if it is a general statement or not.

    it is better to consult a urologist to find out if he has some physical disabilities. There are many sex enhancing workouts, which you both can try out..
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2014
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  3. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    I know sgbv, YM, akanksha et.al. will oblige and write the essays. Its Friday, and Happy Ganesh Chaturti! to all. And I will submit my essay to the teacher before the usual essay writers come in ( for Ganesh Chaturti sakes) :)

    hopingbetter: People should think before marrying whether there is attraction, looks like your DH did not think about that, and he did despite lacking attraction towards you. A doctor cannot give medicine and bring about attraction via medicine. Or, if it is 8 yrs and he has been this way for 8 full years - and is otherwise very loving hubby and skypes daily and loving and supportive Dad etc...please read about Asexual and Aromantic - you can do a google search. Such people are loving and supportive and caring, they just dont have any drive for romantic/intimacy. Its just how they are constructed, one of the problems of Arranged Marriage where these things cannot be identified beforehand.
     
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  4. KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

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    8 years is a long time, perhaps you guys have been caught up in your routine. What about your husband on these long trips, do you think he is venturing out and getting his needs fulfilled? I know a few consultant types who wait when they are abroad and have flings. I'm not saying your husband is like that, but us men usually think about sex a lot. So I find it hard to believe that in the 8 years he has never had the desire to have sex with you. Either he masturbates a LOT or gets it elsewhere.
     
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  5. sacredbell

    sacredbell Silver IL'ite

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    Those who are ACTIVE outside, are generally ACTIVE at home as well. They are driven by their hormones.

    OP's case is different. He might have some physical problems. Only a doctor can diagnose such things.
     
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  6. hopingbetter

    hopingbetter New IL'ite

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    Thanks for all the replies. I am 100% sure that he does not have any attraction towards anybody else or that he is getting sexually satisfied outside of marriage. He is a family man with ethics & principles. Also it is not that he does not love me, he is actually very proud of having me as his wife, but somehow he doesn't know how to show his emotions. I sometimes feel it is because he was brought up all alone (he being a single child of his parents) that he lacks the ability to show his emotions. But sleeping with an opposite sex for years together & not even having any kind of feelings is something very strange. I think after reading these replies, I would have to build the courage to talk to him to consult a doctor.
     
  7. KP55

    KP55 Gold IL'ite

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    Before consulting a doctor, I really think there are some deep rooted issues that are not being discussed between you two. You have both become complacent in your marriage. Going to a doctor will not remedy this situation, there is no magic pill to make him more interested in sex. Viagra is there but it doesn't help with the emotions factor.

    What both of you probably need is marriage counseling, even by indian standards having sex 2 times in your 8 years of marriage is really unhealthy. Especially if you are a young couple. You both need to talk about all the deep issues that are probably hidden underneath your marriage.

    The key to any marriage is communication, you find out everything about your mate; their likes, dislikes, what turns them on and what doesn't. That's how you grow closer or find out if the person is really for you to spend rest of the life with.

    Its great to have a marriage to show that you have a happy husband/wife with 1.5 children to society. What good is this "marriage" when it doesn't fulfill your emotional/physical needs and give you happiness? Might as well live like room-mates.

    Again before going to any doctor or some sex specialist. TALK TO HIM, ask him what is the real issue, get to the bottom of it. Then and only then you can seek some remedy.
     
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  8. aabcii

    aabcii Gold IL'ite

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    Hello OP,

    Thanks to GOD that in 8 yrs of time and HIS blessing u now a mother of a daughter .. there are many couples still trying to resolve that issue.. then abt caring and loving I too now again like to thank GOD for getting such a sweet husband who still loves u and cares and looks after ur daughter as well .. now coming to ur point of physical contact .. it changes and depends upon the person .. some men will be more active and some will be less .. reading ur post seems he is less active from the begining .. but still the number of times mentioned is very less .. you should talk to him as why he is not interested in it .. there could be some points want to figure out.. sometimes you not motivating him,or ur looks or other factors might not appealing him or he getting satisfied by other ways .. or you need to be more romantic or he is under some tension ... or he is having some fear in mind these are some of the problems that men prevent doing physical contact .. before going to it ..better ask him whats his problem in it and it will be easily managed
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op...are you sure about his sexual orientation???
     
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  10. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    Quite necessary to confirm this.... as this could be the issue.

    Many of us have a whole lot of inhibitions deep in our sub-conscious. We cannot know about this before marriage.... more so in arranged marriages. The Chennai High court recently put forth the view suggesting that both parties to a marriage go for a potency test before marriage.

    I feel even if romantic emotions are absent a man does have the ability to have sex. And OP says he is a man of feelings - all the more he is capable of having physical relationships; and if this is true what is it that's bugging him? You need to consult a psychiatrist and a sexpert simultaneously.

    See if this will help: Dr. Mahinder Watsa

    and
    [h=2]Dr. Karthik Gunasekaran[/h]
     

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