1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

issue..how to handle

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shakira123, Aug 28, 2014.

  1. shakira123

    shakira123 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    3
    hi,
    I am here with an issue that has beenbugging me and iam loosing my peace with the things goin on at home..
    i recently delivered a baby boy 2weeks back and been caught up wid his duties..
    my parents are here for my delivery since 2mnths and wll be here till oct..
    please bear wid my long post ..
    my dh is very non social and has almost no freind circle , he most of the time keeps to himself doesnt like to mingle wid people ,talks tto his mum,sis and me thats it..

    we have been married for 4years and after marriage this is the longest time my parents have been spending wid him in this close proximity .. they havent seen him much as he has moved to us after marriage..


    dh is a cleanliness freak and wants everything very tidy..
    while my parents are complete opposite to him. my mum is an arthritis patient and she has been manaing the kitchen since my delivery.. though she is in lot of pain..
    but she messes up the kitchen.. she makes the trash can messy .. keeps the refrigirator stuffed wid old food..
    my dad is a chain smoker..and he maintains zero hygiene he doent wash hands after using washroom ..doesnt wash hands after smoking ..messes the toilet seat..
    and this pisses my dh big time..


    my dh has helped me a lotduring my preg and he has been very supportive to me ..he is taking care of me like a baby..i had a very tough labor and widout him i wudnt have managed the pain..


    now prob is after delivery he has become very possesive about the baby and doesnt like my parents to hold the baby or do his chores..like bathing him..
    consoling him when cries.he keeps complaining they dont sanitise their hands and always has some excuse to complain..
    we live in a townhouse and he has confined me and the baby to upstairs as he doesnt want the baby to be kept on couch an everytime my mum wants to play wid the baby she has to cum upstairs and this is very stressful for her ..when i try to convey this to my parets regarding the hygiene they get offended and they are feelin g really bad with my hubands treatment towards them


    iam feeling gulity wid the treatment he has been showing towards my parents as this wud b the only time thy will live wid us for this long and they are being treated badly..wat shud i do..who to support and who not to?

    my husband has been pretty rude to them a lot of time but he gives his own reasoning for behaving so..
    please suggest how to handle this
     
    Loading...

  2. Radhai

    Radhai Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,760
    Likes Received:
    4,258
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Given the issues around hygiene, your H is right in solutions department but lacks in public relations. :) If the same hygiene issues were present with your MIL/FIL won't you put your baby's health first and tactfully convey the message to them without hurting their feelings? Find ways to share them the baby time without compromising on hygiene.
     
    3 people like this.
  3. StrongLady

    StrongLady Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    98
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello Dear

    I just cant believe your story because the same happened to me. with a 2 weeks baby you have handled to write this big post, loggin on computer so can imagine your problem.

    I have come across same thing and it was so tough. On one side you feel your parents who came all way long to help you and not getting good treatment and Also on another side your husband who has been very nice but changed after delivery.

    my parents visited me before my son born, so at that time my DH was very nice to my parents we took them to different places but when they came for my delivery same thing happened. My dad spoiled our carpet with his hair dye which costed 1000$ and my DH was very upset and he would criticize my parents not using sanitize, not cleaning bottles properly. all sorts of things. I got so angry that i shouted on my husband infront of my parents like hell. It was unnecesary fight. Due to that stress my milk production came low. and all sorts of mental stress. I would fight with my husband openly and also never thought that i would have just went India with my parents. The loss of my pay and flight tickets. then my DH would have realized value of the help my parents did.

    My husband lost trust that WE DONT LISTEN TO HIS WORDS and only argue with him and trying to oppose him. he would always ask suggestions from his mom.

    I hated my husband for his rude behavior and after an year i went India, i saw my parents were doing same India too, our house was becoming so bad. I myself couldnt adjust and at that time i realized my parents shoudl also change. Hygiene is definetely important.

    RELAX. Right now the most imp thing is you need lot of rest both physically and mentally. Dont Strain yourself by thinking a lot and struggling between your husband and parents. They will be fine, this is not the last time your parents will come to you. They might feel bad now but this phase will be over, right now you will have post partum mental stress, so small things will make you get real angry.

    so dont blame your hubby completely. and also its not that he is doing right.
    I see some husbands help so much when baby born, on another side husbands like this start pin pointing.

    Its important at this point, you try to pretend as if you agree with your husband. In a very proper way tell your parents to make some changes, how to clean up food. If your dad mess up bathroom, get some clorox sanitize wipes and clean it moment he comes out of bathroom. or before your hubby comes home.


    The more you try to explain your DH things would get more complicate.
    My suggestion would be.

    1. Your husband will go to office. so by the time he comes, make sure you do little clean up to the house so that he doesnt feel house is not hygenic.
    2. Dont tell anything to your parents coz they feel really bad that their son in law is not complaining on them and they might be upset with him. I would say IF YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS, SEND YOUR PARENTS FOR A WEEK OR 2 TO your siblings house saying that your parents have to attend a party. and let your husband help you with all stuff, then he will realize how tough it is to handle a week old baby along with cooking at home.
    3. Order food from outside, so that your mom dont have to cook and spend that day for cleaning the house.
    4. The moment your husband comes home, give the baby to him. I know your mom might want to play, but ask her to play during the day time when yoru hubby is in office and also weekends. Let your hubby change the diapers etc during the evening and your parents dont have to take care.

    Last but not least, if your husband still doesnt change and insulting your parents.
    PLEASE SEND THEM TO INDIA AND YOU ALSO GO TO INDIA WITH THEM.
    if you are wokring, your loss of pay, and flight tickets all will be additional expense to your DH.
    THEN HE WILL REALIZE, HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN PROPER RESPECT TO INLAWS when they came to help him. Instead of throwing tantrums he would have just helped them.
     
    5 people like this.
  4. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    818
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    My husband is a neatness freak. My parents keep things clean, but not to his level. Every time my parents came though, they would change their ways to his liking. Simply because this was not their house. Same way when we are at my parents place, my husband does not expect things his way there.

    One thing that I would agree with your husband on - With an infant of 2 weeks, hygiene is of utmost importance. I would think both of you too would use a hand sanitizer before carrying the baby. Nothing wrong in you asking your parents to also be a little extra clean.

    As their daughter it would be better for you to explain the situation to your parents. As StrongLady said earlier, when you live with a very clean person for a while, it rubs off on you. And you too will start feeling that your parents could be cleaner.

    I knew what irked my husband about my behaviour. Some of those characteristics are identical to my mother's. So when they came, I would openly tell them - pls don't do such and such a thing. They never took offense to it. My husband too is very very free with my parents and will openly tell them. But he does have a way of saying it which will not hurt (this was not the case the first trip - but that time I was the mediator). There are things my in-laws do that he does not like. He openly tells them too.

    Each person is different. But you should respect the wishes of the person whose house you are living in.
     
    3 people like this.
  5. Chapra

    Chapra Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,069
    Likes Received:
    703
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear op, our IL friends have given you wonderful suggestions and will continue to give you more.

    I wanted to let you know just one thing - smoking is a big No with an infant around. It's one of the reasons for SIDS ( sudden infant death syndrome). Please request your dad to smoke outside your house and ask him to wash his hands and face after smoking (every time!). If need be, you can ask him to change his clothes if he wants to hold the baby.

    He might get hurt initially but baby's life is more important than a person's ego! My apologies if I had been very blunt.
     
    3 people like this.
  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,663
    Likes Received:
    23,148
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    Exactly my thoughts. Kind of an eye opener. It is like the Op's husband is the dil....
    Op....your husband is also feeling the pain of living with inlaws.

    As for your mother...please tell your husband to be sensitive with her as she is helping out even with her disability.It is not easy to work when your hands hurt ...keeping things clean is an uphill task.Tell him to understand as it is only temporary. If possible help her out with basic cleaning or keep someone who comes once in a while to clean up.Get her a bigger dustbin and line it up and empty it yourself or tell your husband.

    Order food once or twice a week.

    As for your father....I think you can interfere and tell him to change his ways. Smoking in the house is wrong....with a baby in the house,it is extremely insensitive. His generation did not believe in making little sacrifices for the family...your husband is better. Tell him to smoke outside and also use the sanitizer on your hands first and pour some on his too. Get some tissues and tell him to clean up the toilet seat every time he uses.Tell him you are not able to wash the bathroom as often now and ask him to help you keep the bathroom clean.

    Also make your parents understand that your husband is not used to being around people and lacks social skills....and be a little patient with him.Things will get better with passage of time.

    Similarly ...tell your husband to bear for a few months as your parents help is priceless at this moment. Tell him you will help him with a major clean up after they leave.

    Give your parents the baby when husband is in office....once he comes back ...tell them it is time for baby to bond with his dad.

    I am sorry you are stuck up in this hard situation.It will pass. Cheers.
     
    2 people like this.
  7. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,548
    Likes Received:
    3,582
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    My DH also is cleanliness oriented, but when any guests come, because of more cooking, more clothes washed and more chit chatting and coffees, there WILL be some mess (not dirty or unhygenic) ! But he never complains.. he always picks up the stuff and keeps things back in place and we sometimes ignore him and let him pick up, but if we have energy/time, we would follow him :)


    Shakira - do ensure that just before your DH is home everyday, you take out 15 minutes to remove the unhygenic stuff at least !!! If not the clothes and stuff strewn around, just clean the kitchen and bathroom!

    I know with the baby, that is quite tough ! But with arthritis, your mom is already doing enough !! If baby is fine or sleeping, try to take out some time/energy and clean up!

    Do you have 2 bathrooms, get your parents to use one and you and DH can use the other one!

    Smoking around the baby is a strict no-no!!! I would not allow anyone with second hand smoke to come near baby - thats non-negotiable!!! You have to tactfully let your father know in the strictest terms ! And unhygenic hands also strict no-no!!!

    After using toilet, if he doesnt wash hands, and is sitting on sofas or handling baby's clothes or food - you have to speak up!

    Use your DH's name and convey his ideas to your parents in a nice manner without hurting them - say that I cant help it, it is my DH's orders/request/preferences and please keep peace in my house !!

    If you tell your parents they're being too unhygenic for baby, they will feel hurt and say dont we care about your baby!!!, but if you tell them it is your DH's thoughts, they'll follow your instructions to keep peace at their daughter's home :)
     
    1 person likes this.
  8. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,633
    Likes Received:
    4,991
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    i think you have got some good suggestions here.

    Hygiene is a big issue. No wonder the PM brought up the issue in his maiden independence day speech.

    Are you serious about your father's hygiene? Maybe he goes to the restroom to smoke.

    However, the issue is most people in India or for that matter in the world don't have access to 24 hours water like we do here. So most people are not used to cleaning their hands after going to pee.

    Get them a hand sanitizer (the one that dries up in the hand). They will love using it. Also, use your mom to explain dad how to use the toilet (lifting the toilet seat and not spilling outside and dropping the toilet seat and flushing). Mom can explain it to dad better than you or your DH.

    We have similar issues when we have visitors from India. i give them sanitizer to use during their stay and have a maid that comes once a week to clean all the bathrooms. There are many other things that irritate me (using bare hands to taste stuff, not cleaning hands before cooking, cutting, not properly cleaning vegetables etc). I understand that such habits develop with the view of conserving water as water has been a precious item for them over the years. I explain the ladies about how to use the restroom (shower knobs, hot, cold etc) and they in turn tell their husbands so try to avoid as much damage as possible.

    Also, don't be too fussy about getting infection to your baby. The mouth contains more germs than any other part of our body. Our mouth is fully exposed and spills out germs as we speak, breath etc. So do we go around wearing mask? Babies are protected by our milk so don't worry about it much. Soon they will be going to school and will be exposed to other kids and will bring in infections as well. US has great marketing and they market a lot of products in the guise of safety etc.

    Get your dad some nicotine chewing gum, it will help in him stopping his habit and also avoid smoke exposure to the baby. Just tell him to not smoke in the house and come after at least 30 mins after he has finished smoking. Use your mom to explain him.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    12,481
    Likes Received:
    30,224
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    Have them go back earlier or continue to play peacemaker between them and your husband. Such habits like your parents have are hard to break. You will keep reminding them, they will keep forgetting and will be hurt when you remind. The vicious cycle will continue, and you will be totally stressed out instead of enjoying this precious time with the baby.

    For me, just the chain-smoker would be a big no-no to have around a newborn. Read up about third-hand smoke: Thirdhand smoke: What are the dangers to nonsmokers? - Mayo Clinic

    There are so many polite lies you can use to avoid hurting feelings if you cut short their trip. At one of the checkups, the pediatrician might himself advise not to have a chainsmoker around the baby, even if smoking is done outside only.
     

Share This Page