Need Advice - Thank you in advance.

IMO, you both have acted in utterly immature manner and continuing the same.. You're honest enough to admit your obsessiveness for him. And he was not a child to be dragged into a relationship for 14 long years!

Pls don't bring a child in this complicated relationship and think about parting ways.. You both need to have a clean slate and move ahead!

 

Very sorry to read your post bcoz, for 14 long years you had been loving, mending bending, doing all stuffs under the sky to get the so called love from a man who is truely unfit to get you as his wife. Though you acted immaturely by forcing and blackmailing him and all, at the end of the day he is your husband for whom you fought so much, poor guy going behind a girl who never turned to him.

Though hard to swallow i accept what your husband told, yes its like sperm donation only. He never took any interest in you or your life be it physical, mental or sexual anything.

One thing is sure your husband is going to waste this life by merely wasting himself in to an unworthy relationship. I can understand that divorce will never be your option as you expressed all emotions to get him in your life so it would be hard for you to throw him, but he never deserves you is my personal opinion.

You can
1. Make yourself strong to come out of this one, marry again
2. If not then as he commented its merely sperm donation, please don't get devastated at all as he is nothing really in your life so no big deal to worry
3. This husband must realize his height of stupidity and come back to you, this will happen surely years later when he knows your value.
4. If you want a child from him ok right but make up, prepare yourself to answer the child in future. Also you are 30 now, in case if anybody else showers the so called love in future, will you marry him or you would bring up the child alone as a single parent.
5. Today for the sake of yourself don't bring in child,only if you are ready to face the pros and cons do it, also you must never ever except anything from your husband at any point.
6. Tomorrow for the sake of child why can't he change, come show his fatherly love to him or her. Strict No to all these.
7 If you are ready to take up the role of both mom and dad do it, else no.
8. You are young so you would have the feelings in you, can you put an end to all those and merely live for your child?

Self realization and self questioning is the solution for your issue. If you can find answer and be stubborn then mother a child with your husband else move out, begin a new life.

 

Dear Rosemalar,

Sorry for being blunt here.

It is very sad to say that your H never loved you. It was him immaturity or innability to say a no firmly when it is needed. But with his acceptance to marry you, he wasted both his life and your life together.

However, it was completely your foolishness to force and use cheap blackmailing techneques such as crying, initiating physical, bringing a child into a dysfunctional marriage, stop eating etc..etc.. to make someone love you and live with you. If buying love is that easy, then no one would suffer in bad relationship.

Sadly love needs to come from the heart, and it does not require any such blackmails or force.

If you force someone to love you, marry you or bring a child into a relationship it won't help your desire to be with him anyway. See, you forced him to love you, you initiated a physical and somehow managed to marry him. Were you able to lead a happy marriage by marrying him. Perhaps, you thought by tying a knot you can lead a happy life. But that was indeed a beginning of everything. That was a wrong decision.

No... it was not the right way to make someone committed in a relationship. For me, it was just a technique to blackmail or hold someone, who is in a borderline and not sure whether to commit or not. You used this cheap technique, which sadly did not work well for you.

Because he did not love you, but he was sort of childish to accept your love and enjoy a physical with you at first. Once he getting a chance, he simply escaped from you.

After some begging, he told that he is in love with someone. He rather stay faithful to her than to be physically intimate to me. I even heard him talking on the phone to her saying I love you. For 14 years he never once said this words to me and that devastated me.I asked him what he wants and he asked to let him go.[/QUOTE]

Because he is in love with someone. Hope at least he would try to be loyal to this woman. Or not sure yet another woman being fooled by him/his inability
Since he loves someone else, and forced to marry you (blame his shyness, inability or your bold and aggressive nature which he failed to confront, perhaps), you can't expect him to love you anymore. Girl, love cannot come this way.

Make a child out of love, not out of your own selfishness. For what sin, this poor child needs to suffer all his/her life?
Please do not make this mistake. I understand from your history, that you may try to use this kid as yet another black mail to bring back your guy. It wont work my dear.

Yes. Totally wrong.

if you want a child for your future, adopt one. Or bring some child through a sperm donor. Don't force someone who is clearly not wanted to have a child.

 

I will be as blunt as i can OP. In your obsession to have this person you did not see all the glaring red flags which were there beforehand. He never loved you, only treated you as a friend and using emotional blackmail you forced him to marry him. Unfortunately for you he realized your game plan which was continuing with emotional blackmail and refused to participate in any kind of relationship with you after a year.

In your mind, you believe that by having a child you will tie him down and he will then never leave you because he will be obligated to the mother of his child. So you are using another trick and bringing an innocent child to this world to fulfil your obsession and become part of your scheme of things to have him for good. Do yourself and your husband some good and let him have the divorce. Please dont bring a child into this horrible equation. Please remember marriage is not one person's obsession but about two persons who want to live their lives with each other. You have already spoilt his life and if he is asking for freedom please give him so without any of your conditions.

For you, remember that old age saying - If you love some one set him free, if he is yours, he will come back. Let me add an additional part for you - if he doesnt (which is the most likely case for your husband) find someone who will love you rather than someone whom you can obsess with.

 

Please dont feel offended dear but I feel it was totally immature at your end to enter into a liason as important as marriage when the other person seems least interested. Also sorry to say but your husband is equally at fault for he didnt have the guts to stand for what he felt. He was not a child when he was married. Anyways bygones are bygones but now its time you move on. I know u are not in for divorce but whats the point in hanging on to a loveless marriage??

Also dont mind but please for gods sake dont even think of bringing a child into your life at this stage. I understand your urge to experience motherhood but a child needs love from both father as well as mother. Do you think your husband who thinks of himself as just a sperm donor will ever change for good even after having a child?? I sincerely hope my words prove wrong and he becomes a loving husband and father but what if he doesnt??

Think abt it with clear mind and then only take a decision.

God bless
Meera

 

OP please re-read your post (out loudly if possible) and you will understand the issue..

You are the only child and hence you are used to all the attention from your parents and you are expecting others to do the same for you..Say suppose you have a brother and he is facing the situation of your husband...what would be your reaction?

You have never seen yourself fail(or atleast ppl around you made you win all the time) and you seem to be worried that breaking this marriage might make you look like a loser..

Don't hurt a guy saying that your parents will be sad and hence you can't leave him..Remember that your parents will be happy if you are happy.

 

TGIF!

It is terrible to not divorce him despite the fact that he never even wanted in, in the first place.

It is wrong to bring a child into this dysfunctional relationship. It is extremely unfair on the child that you know will not have a normal family. Ethically, morally, it is wrong. Also, right now, as it stands with all that you are realising about yourself there is a long way you need to go before you can mother a child. you really really need to go to a therapist and work your way out of your obsessive, blackmailing tendencies before you think of having a child or another relationship.

This relationship is a goner. Stop holding your husband hostage. Set him free. Once you have been to therapy and healed if you really want a child but not a relationship, adopt.

 

.
Your life reminds me of a saying in tamil
"you can bring a cow near the pond but you cant make it drink water".



As a only child you may have been able to twist your parents with your nature .But now you had paid a heavy price for it.Change your attitude otherwise you could harm yourself and a innocent child.

You thought getting your H by blackmailing him you still could have a happy life. You want a child but do you understand a childs need?

You may think that you had spend so much of your life to get hold of him you should at least have a child through him.

30 years is not too late to restart your life .

Some times its better to accept defeat and move on with our life.If you would have done it before itself ,you would have been better off.Try to do it at least now.Not every thing we wish comes true.

A child reminds you of the love you shared with your life partner.
Every time you look in to your childs face you could end up feeling bitter.

Change your adamant nature for your own good.

 

Friday has arrived arty