husband calls me MAD.

sree16 · Aug 18, 2014

I am married for 5 yrs and my son is an yr old. it was a love marriage with opposition from both side of the families. my husband is good to me when i dont ask him any help in household chores or baby sitting my son(which he has never done happily so far). there has been arguments and happy times in 5yrs, our eating habits are totally opposite as he prefers non veg and i prefer veg, hez not social but i like to be social. there are many differnces between us but still life is just moving on. for the past 2yrs ie, after my delivery due to added responsibility of takingcare of my baby and no one to help i am feeling exhaused and expect my husband to stand by but he doesn understand and help. also he just loves to watch TV/laptop all the free time without any disturbance from me/son. i struggle alone with household chores and baby everyday. when i loose my mind and argue with him, he immideately says that i have some mental problem and must visit some doctor asap. he dosnt bother to ask whatz the problem/ try to convince me/never speaks any consoling words. everytime therez a fight he says i am mad and tatz y am arguing like this. i feel v bad listening to this as its a love marriage and i dnt expect this from him and tat too in 5yrs of married life. frnds leaving him is not an option for me as i dnt have my mom fmy support/job as of now. Also, i am not a big fan of divorce/living seperately. I dono hw to avoid such words frm him in future and go ahead with my life as i have a big resposibility of raising my son.

raji2678 · Aug 18, 2014

can you hire some help?

yellowmango · Aug 18, 2014

1)Sit down with your husband and tell him his words are hurting you.

2)Tell him you are overwhelmed with work and need some help till you get used to it.

3)Tell him to help out a little with the kid and get yourself a maid to do the stuff that you find most tiring.

4) Try to prioritize your work. Make a list of things that have to be done every day ....and then make a list of things that can be done once evey 3-4 days ,followed by work that can be done once a week.e.g. Food has to be made every day....clothes can be washed once in two days(in a washing machine......Dusting can be done once in three days....vegetable shopping once in a week....grocery shopping ,once in fifteen days.

5) Remove all unnecessary clutter and pack it away in cartons. The lesser the stuff....lesser the work.

6)Learn to keep things organized (check internet for organizing things) ....it saves a lot of time.

Take a short vacation if possible to recharge yourself.

Try to take a small vacation.

sree16 · Aug 19, 2014

Raji, Thank you for your support. Actually I am in US, here domestic help is unaffordable.

sree16 · Aug 19, 2014

Yellowmango, Thank you for all your suggestions. I do think that I must discuss with him about how i feel but due to anger I just maintain silence and dont talk for few days.
vacation is out of question so of now. I will try to implement rest of the suggestions.

Lavanya30 · Aug 19, 2014

Hi Sree16,

My suggestion is that you should speak to him as advised by Yellowmango., it is better to speak than mounting your anger with in yourself.

I can imagine, the work load on you with a small child and in a country like US where its too expensive to have a domestic help. After a child birth our body undergoes a lot of hormonal changes which can really bring down our tolerance level, and all this physical strain will add up to it, please explain these things to your husband and tell him to be supportive.

Your baby is one year now, and your work load will be more as you will have to run around him and constantly keep monitoring him for safety reasons. Its so much of fun to watch your little one do new things every day at the same its lot of work, hence please talk to your husband that he needs to help you.

Please do not bottle up your emotions...............

TC

hrastro · Aug 19, 2014

My DH used to tell me "why dont you stop ! just stop ! when you are unable to handle it? Then I'll come in and take over"...
I say - if I STOP then nothing will get done.!!!

So nowadays, on weekends if we dont go out or no exams planned for kid, I get up early, finish cooking for the day and tell them "DO not disturb" !!! I browse internet, read books, go for a walk or do my stuff... my son is my DH's responsibility !!!

Your DH wants to take you to doctor - let him take you and let the doctor say that you need rest - is what I think might work!

Try "STOP"ing --- dont get up from bed one day (earmark and plan some easy to make food that DH can make for baby for whole day the previous night itself)

You just dont get up and let him handle everything!

Then when he goes really MAD, you can tell him that you could also call him names !!!

And then you both can calmly sit together and plan out who does what chore in the house and that you need help !!!

YoGirl · Aug 19, 2014

Unless he contributes something he won't understand the pain that you are going through. Some men feel that it is woman's responsibility to take care of kids(just like his mom did during her time) and that they are giving women free space by not asking for additional favors like special food on special days, outings ,etc.
You need to go out of house(if you are not working) everyday for atleast 30 mins and let him take care of your kid. You need exercise/grocery/parlour visits. Use these tasks to take some time out..let him take care of kid at this time.
Its also our mistake to spoon feed the husband and then complain that they are not contributing. It will be tough..but provide some dad-kid time..

sree16 · Aug 20, 2014

hi hrastro,

thank you, i hope someday i could have some free time as u said. i will try my best to make him understand.

sree16 · Aug 20, 2014

hi yogirl,

very true, hez his mommy's boy. she has totally pampered him and does even now, whenever she visits us. she has spent all her life in kitchen and ready to do so. this is what makes him feel that I am complaining unnecessarily. it is very tough to make him understand but i believe slowly it will work.