Should i marry in a situation like this? Pleace advice.

Tamilango · Jul 22, 2014

Anaivarukum Vanakam(Hi All),

This is my first post on IL. Please do not think this as a troll.
I came to know about IL through my friend in India. I am an indian too(traditional pakka south indian). Born and Brought up in the great Thoothukudi, TN.
Posting the origin just to ensure you can think through my perspective on marriage.

I am a male, 25 years old and I work as a Design engineer in Abu Dhabi. I earn good and live a happy life. I have been searching this forum for a while through google search key words.
I searched IL posts to see if anyone has already faced any similar situation before and i couldn't find one. I just created my IL login today to post my query and take a good decision.

I am the only kid to my parents. I have got no siblings or very close friends to discuss this in detail. The problem is, i am about to get married or should i say yet to decide whether i am going to.

I seriously need your inputs on deciding this. Let me tell you whats troubling me.

I feel very awkward to write about this, but i don't know how to put it in other way.
Please pardon me if you find my query seems disgusting to you. I look nice but i have ephidermal nevus around my private part. I hope you would understand what i mean by private part. Those who do not know what ephidermal nevus is, please google it and see it for yourself.
Not over private part, but around it and the ephidermal nevus is significantly big.
The nevus will look like a deep dark patches all around my thing.

I was born with it and it was never a problem to me until my parents started talks about my marriage. Yes I did born with it. My parents took me to several doctors, we tried many medications and no medications was helpful. It became a routine to see different doctors once in a while and everytime I have to show them my private parts to let them inspect that.
In one incident, the doctor didn't know what it is and the guy started to take pictures of it for his research. I felt myself as a lab rat that day and i stopped consulting doctors from then.

My parents told me that they have started searching bride few months before.
I recently consulted a doctor (three weeks) before in Trichy during my recent visit to India.
The doctor gave good explanation about what it is. He immediately googled and showed me materials about that.
He also said its not cureable when it is at a large scale.
But he said the ephidermal nevus that i have is no harm except that it would look bad.
He told me there are ways to remove it, but no method is 100% proven way when it is at large scale.

My parents recently saw a girl through family friends and they are arranging marriage with her.
I have told them very clearly that i don't want to get married to anyone. I wasn't giving them any reason initially but they know it.
They are my parents and i don't have to tell them what would possibly be the reason.
The dark patches looks much worse than when i was a kid which they didn't know what it is like right now.
My father kept on pushing me for marriage and i showed him one day what it is like.
He felt sorry for me and started to convince me its no big deal in a marriage.
Honestly i didn't want to get into a marriage. As of now i am really happy with the life as it is today.
I live alone in my work place and loneliness really kills me.
Sometimes i feel so alone and want get into a relationship.
Someother time i realize that i am going to put someone's life in hell if i marry.
I am being ping ponged between these two thoughts and couldn't take a decision. Please help.
Somehow I got convinced by my father in the next couple of days and i said ok for marriage that day.
But i went back to square one from the next few days.
My thoughts to stay away from marriage kept occupying from the next few day onwards.

Now my parents have found a girl for me. She is cute and a nice looking girl.
She is very good in her academics and works in popular IT firm in Coimbatore.
She really deserves a guy much better than me.

My father had told her parents that my son has dark patches like this and they are fine with it.
We did visit her home last month and i had a private conversation with her.
I told her that i have dark patches like this in my thighs, inner thighs and they won't look good.
She said that is ok. I am not sure whether she would have said OK if she really knows what it is like.
I tried to be very honest with her and tell her what is like exactly. But i coudln't i have it around my private part.
I felt very awkward and bad to say it and that too to a girl I met just minutes before.
I feel I have hidden the real truth and there is no way i can say this to any girl .
I never had a girlfriend or a friend who is a girl. I am quite a shy type guy.

Our parents have arranged for our engagement end of august.
I am quite nervous to get engaged and i need to be very clear in the decision i make.
I feel like i have cheated her by not saying the real truth.

From the posts i read in IL last month, i could see Lack of Intimacy can break a marriage.
I am worried the girl would find disgusting to get intimate with me. I hope you would understand what i mean by that.

These are questions that keep troubling me again and again.

I myself feel disgusting when i look at the dark patches.
Shall i marry any girl in this situation? I can still call off this enagagement.
Our engagement has not been announced to anyone. I have not started talking to her.
We just met her one day in her house last week.

Am i cheating her? I haven't told her the real situation and I know she deserves a better guy than me.

I am worried what if she didn't like me post marriage? I don't want to put her & my marriage life in jeopardy.

My cousin sister got married two years before and her marriage ended within a month due to misunderstandings with her husband. My Uncle has been searching for a bridgegroom since then and my uncle family looks kind of broken since then.
I am also worried what if my marriage ends up like that? She is really such a nice girl. I don't want to put her through that.

Girls, Would you really accept a guy like me?

Would you recommend me to get into a marriage ?

I am no good in essay writing. excuse my grammar and typos.

I am leaving India this weekend and I would like take a decision before i leave and settle down this matter.
Expecting quick replies.

BTW, Looking for HONEST replies.
Thanks a ton in advance for those who spend their valuable time to read this big post and replying.

-Tamilango

JustMyself · Jul 22, 2014

Hello Tamilango,

I read through internet about epidermal nevus, and it does not have any health impact mostly. An epidermal nevus (plural: nevi) is an abnormal, noncancerous (benign) patch of skin caused by an overgrowth of skin cells. (some may have few minor issues.. but not all). So, as long as you are healthy, and you do not have a health concern, there is nothing to worry.

Also, you have mentioned to your fiance that you have a dark patch. So, you have NOT hidden anything. You have tried your best to explain.

In life, if you never start doing anything just because there is a possibility of it getting failed, then we would be a loser.

I hail from the deep south too, infact remote than Thoothukudi For us, Thoothukudi is city.

In my perception, I do not consider this as an issue. You are feeling guilty, as we are too much behind closed doors, that it gets awkward to even think about private-parts, let alone a patch around it...without feeling awkward and guilty.

In all honesty, this DOES NOT matter at all. Imagine it is more like a dark patch anywhere else in your body (say your back), would it have mattered so much ?

Stop worrying, and enjoy your courtship period and upcoming marriage ! Congratulations on your upcoming engagement !

Cheers,
JM

hope2b · Jul 22, 2014

I am sure you have heard that story of beauty and the beast, and similar ones, in Indian mythology as well. What matters is the honesty and your thoughts. Everything else is in your head. If you take off the dark patches from your life, do you consider wealthy in health and heart and life? Will you fill happiness for your would be? If so, be honest to your self and firstly get confidence that you are better than lots of other folks who have bigger health issues. You already discussed your concern with your would be. If you are satisfied with her response, then go for it. If you are still in doubt, talk to her again. All the best.

guesshoo · Jul 22, 2014

I read up about it online too after seeing your post.

it seems to me that you are unnecessarily beating yourself over the head for no fault of anyone's over a cosmetic issue. You could to go a counsellor in order to gain better self- esteem. It would help you in the long run.

It would help if you stop looking at yourself as "damaged" in any sense, instead work on getting to know your fiancée. All the best

unicorn11 · Jul 22, 2014

ur dad is right , in marriage all these things dont matter.The only thing that a wife cares about is her husband's health and happiness.Nothing else even comes close to being an issue of concern.Women are very forgiving since they have so many of their own insecurities.I can say that women generally feel they arent able to live up to husbands expectations.So dont worry that she will think u arent living upto hers.
moreover u have already told her abt it.U can tell her to google,like u asked us
Marriage breaks on real issues and not on cosmetic issues , certainly not from the girl's side.

MaliniHari · Jul 22, 2014

Cheer up, life has more good things! Dont think of your mole (yes, it is just a discolored mole) and spoil your life.

IF you can, take permission from your and her parents and talk to her on this. Ask her to google for things and understand what it is and that it has absolutely no side effects. Once she gives the confirmation on she is fine with this, you could move ahead. If you find it uncomfortable, please do drop her an email as to what you have to convey. Not necessarily should you go tell this to the girl.

I am pretty sure she would now had googled by this time, if she is interested in you. Also, do not feel bad that you are at someone's mercy.Everyone goes through one such thing before wedding, the cases differ.

You seem to be a gentleman, marriages never break for petty things like this! If it does, the bond is weaker! No worries, make it clear to the girl. And if she is ok with this and accept things the way it is, then you are a winner!

Wish you a wonderful married life!

yellowmango · Jul 23, 2014

Dear Op....you are worrying too much.I think you are kind of obsessed with it.You have told her....if you want,you can tell her in a little more detail.She can google it.

There is more to marriage than 'looking at it'.Treat her like a princess....love her tenderly...she won't care too much about looking at it. It it helps...you can also overlook some of her shortcomings like if she puts on a little weight

Now stop looking and stop obsessing.console1

Akanksha1982 · Jul 23, 2014

Just be honest with her and tell her the name and inform her where it is and let her research (google, ask some lady doctor or what ever) and then decide. I don't think it is a big deal.

However, a few things to consider. Is it contagious? Will it impact her in any way? Is it hereditary? Will your offspring inherit it in some way or form? If so, what is the probability? In which case, may be you can go for adoption. I know parents want you to get married and settle but you need to think of future as well. So research on this as well.

Is it possible to do some plastic surgery to remove the patches?

one of my far cousin had keloids and when she was 5 years, her dress caught fire during diwali and her left hand has lot of patches of keloids. Before marriage, this was disclosed to the groom's family and his mother was shown the patches. The boy was also informed. They accepted and they are happily married now. So, people once know about it and accept it, then it is not an issue.

darmesh · Jul 23, 2014

Have an expert advice along with a biopsy report (if possible) to prove the harmless nature of the skin patch and talk about it to your prospective partner.

Honesty and Communication is every thing. Girls do understand the 'truth' as 'truth' !

JustLikeYou · Jul 23, 2014

Give her exactly the name of your condition. Ask her to google search for it for herself. Ask her if she would still be okay with it.
Things that matter a lot before marriage wouldnt be a problem but things that didnt matter at all would cause the biggest problem.
Make sure she EXACTLY knows what you have. Don't word it nice by saying dark patch etc.,
Call a spade spade to her and let her decide...if she is disgusted then she will call it off...but it's her decision and not yours...