How do you let go or live with your spouse's imperfections

maroon · Jul 1, 2014

While posting this I can recall a joke about married life, which goes like this. A newly married girl asks her mom for advice regarding her problems with her DH. Mom says "dont worry beta, it will be like this for the first three years".... "and then..... you will get used to it" There is so much truth in this... not in whether one gets used to things or not, but in that certain things or situations or characteristics of a person can never be changed...

Likewise I am now married for 18 long years, but few things in our married life seem unsettled.. they may seem silly to many, but like they say, a problem is a problem big or small and I find myself frustrated for days at times and then come out of it, only to go back to square one.

Ours is an arranged marriage. DH is a distant relative of mom's side. I hardly met him a couple of times before marriage. Hardly knew anything about him, but it felt like love at first sight. But my mom had given me the freedom to accept or reject the alliance. Out of sheer infatuation (as I later realized) I fell for him, and we got married. It was only with time that I realized the difference between love and lust. I dont know if its common for girls to be so naive, but at 24 or 25 I feel that girls now (and back then too) are mature enough to tell the difference. But I was NOT. So my primary regret even after these many years remains that I opted for a "crush" marriage thinking that I was in love, when I had all the time and choice at hand. Neither did I take time to think that I was much highly qualified but he was just a commerce graduate. My mom just knew that I would be in safe hands, because my inlaws are really good and so is my DH. But again, the choice was left to me.

About my DH - he loves me a lot. Helps me with stuff when I need... We are not with inlaws - just me DH and kids. So overall no major issues at all. But still it has been a roller coaster ride of some sorts all these years.

I feel the lack of a friend in him. I can talk to him, but he has a very poor attention span and is sometimes egoistic though he does not agree. So I feel unheard all the time. If I do fight with him regarding this, he would end up listening, but his reactions or responses would never be genuine or spontaneous - more artificial just because I ask him to listen. So my basic requirement of having a good chat or talk with him or sharing things with him is never satisfied. I can never have a hearty talk or discussion with him. This is one of my main problems and I end up cursing myself time and again for thinking that I was in love with this guy after just seeing him twice:bonk
When I see couples talking to each other and enjoying I feel very depressed.

Many other qualities in him that are harmless though, that I hate.
Like when I call a friend of mine home or so... he comes across as quite not-so-friendly types. I wish he can talk to my friends casually, but he would instead just say hello and walk away. That irks me to no end. Many more like this to list.

We fight, he tells me he will change, but cant, consoles me when I get upset... but through all this I carry a troubled mind with regret - if only I had known the difference between lust and love...

So can anyone relate to me, please help me to come out of this vicious cycle.

How do you lead a happy married life, ignoring the imperfections of your DH.

I know many ladies out there are suffering with do or die kind of issues, but I am still putting forth my problem here hoping that you ladies would not bombard me.
No brickbats please.

Ragini25 · Jul 1, 2014

In my opinion, Answer seems to be in your post:
-18 long years
-"that certain things or situations or characteristics of a person can never be changed"
-overall no major issues at all
-I know many out there are suffering with do or die kind of issues

If you repeat these to yourself (words from your own post), I think most of the problem will be solved, as you most likely will see the solution yourself.

SGBV · Jul 1, 2014

There are no perfect human beings in this world. If we are perfect, we will be called as saints instead of humans.

My husband has a lot of imperfections if I see him through the worldly eyes. However, i do not see any of his imperfections whenever I see him with love. All I see were his innocent love, care, support, companionship, friendship and acceptance. So, whenever I am down with such silly thoughts of having an imperfect husband or so, I would weigh this with his love. I am a strong believer of Love. I always say that I can win everyone with love, and I won my life too with the same love from ground zero.

annabunny · Jul 1, 2014

Hello Maroon,

I can completely understand what you are going through.

To put it bluntly there are only two options- Be financially independent and separate OR learn to accept his characteristics and move on with your marriage looking at the good traits he has and focusing more on yourself.

Most men I have known in my life are the same, even my dad. They love the woman to the core but lack the ability to express. My father is 63 and my mother is 55 and till date she complains to me "This your father is so unromantic" and my father just laughs and shrugs it off but if my mother has some engagements for even a week and is out of the city he will send me sad whataspp messages like "Missing your mother"... or "Wish she can come back sooner" or "Life is not worth living without your mom". And I always say the same thing... "WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME, TELL MUMMY!!".

It's annoying and cute at the same time. I guess men have been brought up with this "Big boys don't cry" type of mentality and as a result they keep their emotions to themselves, whether good or bad. They don't want to show love but if you give them a cold treatment they don't want to say sorry either!
My husband is the same. He loves me and DS dearly but finds it difficult to do things that show his love.

Other things like not showing enthusiasm when your friends are around should be ignored I think. You cannot expect him to like everyone and you should leave it at that. As long as he does not ignore you, it's not a problem.

The issue of not showing regard for you opinions when you talk or want to discuss is also a bit infuriating. The way I tackled it is by giving him the silent treatment. Men don't like listening. But when you don't talk they get worried, especially if you are a talker. So any time if I have some issue that is troubling me I always write it down on my journal. It's like talking to a friend or if it's something that I can share with my mother I do that. And after a few days DH gets really worried and starts asking questions like, Why are you so silent, did I do something wrong, and will continue pestering me till I tell him the issue. My advice on this is to talk less than you want to. (I know this is so difficult)

The biggest problem with us women is that we are not secretive enough. We can't keep anything to ourselves and feel hurt when our husbands don't share the same enthusiasm with us. So now I have become really secretive. I don't share too many of my personal problems with DH, I work on solving them myself, if it's a health problem I consult the doctor, if it is a financial issue I have I still never ask him for help. I would rather pay overdraft fee than ask him for money.

Look the thing is that I love him and he loves me but I am reluctant to become too dependant on him because it's only when we depend on someone for our emotional needs that we get upset. He also become too dependant on me but I'm trying to wean him off this habit. Earlier I used to offer to cook for him, iron his clothes, wash his clothes, deposit his money in the bank but I have stopped doing all this now. I only do it if he requests me too and even at that I make sure I let him know I am doing him a favour.

So whether arranged marriage like yourself or love marriage or a live in relationship, people change a lot when they get too dependant on each other. And it's only when you live with each other that you find out each other's imperfections. But it's never too late to change things. Whenever I feel neglected by DH i always think what did I do before we got together to make myself happy? And I do that.

Life is too short to find faults in people so just learn to accept/forgive or to find a way out of the situation.

neetugtb · Jul 1, 2014

Dear Maroon,
marriage is a very strange institution, especially for us, Indians. We are supposedly committed for life and may be this is the high point of Indian marriages and why we are still projecting a picture of happy married life with kids.
After 18 years, it is time you stopped thinking about the wrong choice thing. I have had my share of ups and more downs. This is a criteria we usually have when we face difficulties or frustrations but how much good does it do? The mantra is to make your present better because it would start setting things right for your future itself.
Few years into marriage and DH thinks that half of what women say is just vague so doesn't pay attention, it can be due to time constraints also. How I tackled this situation was that I used to make an agenda about the matters I had to discuss, in points, only important plus and minuses, nothing descriptive and I demanded an appointment which was a code for imp. matter discussion and I didn't leave him without allotting me the time. At the set time, I took up the matter and resolved my problems.
Slowly, it started coming to me that I was able to handle things myself in a better and more organised manner as I had more time on hand, I just needed green signal from his side so now I am the one who decides agendas for DS, DD and DH also, except for his work. I preplan and let them know the details about household, invitations, their outfits, requirements, shopping schedules, timings to get ready and leave, in all I act as a secretary and mind you they hardly credit me for this. But I hardly care, what I care about is how to improve the working? Trust me, making up for the shortcomings of each other helps us improve our married life what you really need to know is that if your husband also wants to make the marriage work?
If yes, then dear, make it work, take more authority in hand, not by forcing, nagging or fighting but by making yourself more skillful and independent, he would really chip in help from his side.
All the best!

anika987 · Jul 1, 2014

You have a wonderful husband.period!

u r married for 18 years and I truly believe u r blessed.

U know we women are never completely satisfied with anything!Are we all perfect?NOPE.We have our flaws too!We openly criticize his parents just coz they r our inlaws etc but he tolerates us right?that itself is a huge thing!

Check out so many other threads.Women are missing that crush feeling u had.U had it didn't u?

U r hubby sounds like a TYPICAL GUY.Not all guys have the patience to sit and listen.that does not mean ur married life is going awry!The other couples may seem to be talking but do u know them 24/7??? who knows what they are talking about???

Another thing is he is being quite with ur friends.So what??There is no deal here.

U know I feel little bothered seeing ur thread.Why?U absolutely do not have any makor issue here.He seems like a good guy and u r blessed.He is just being a real,practical and typical guy.the movie hero walks away with crores of rupee as salary.do not combine movies and real life.look out his positives..there r toooooooooooooooo many I am sure.u have a dream life.PLZ PLZ PLZ PLZ stop worrying about it.

somehurt · Jul 1, 2014

When you cannot change the spouse........, change the spouse.

god2014 · Jul 1, 2014

Imperfections always makes you to think the way to bring it perfectly. If he is all in perfect match you would by now be bored, as he has some imperfections you are here to get ideas.......... 18years you found these next 18years find ways to make him perfect and the last 18years you will again be back with perfections perfected but I want him to be my old husband with imperfections.

Its life and we humans can make imperfections to perfect so keep researching the ways.... Happy perfectly married life.....

han412 · Jul 1, 2014

By realizing that I too am not perfect and by concentrating on his positives.

rkgurbani · Jul 1, 2014

I agree with all the above.
18 years is indeed a long time and things have been moving in the right direction for you. Am sure you can't ask for more!
But this apart, as all have mentioned, no one is perfect. I am sure we women have our own flaws and we are loved by our spouses inspite of our flaws too.
A happy marriage calls for a lot of adjustments and compromises. Not everyone can change, so its best to put aside imperfections and look at the brighter things in the relationship. Be realistic.