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Urgent - Help needed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, May 27, 2014.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear friends

    I don't think I need an introduction about my past problems. Well, they are my pasts, and I really don't want the same things again in my future.

    Things have changed, and I am enjoying the present to the fullest. However, I am unable to forget my past; hence I always make sure that I don't over do anything or allow another person to hurt me.

    I have cut all the ties with in laws in the past few years. Then my husband slowly joint hands with them. Once we recognized a visual change in them, we allowed our kids to mingle with them. later they started visiting us. Both in laws and FOO are in terms now

    My in laws are supper good to me now. They visit me on a daily basis. Spend a couple of minutes at my door step, meet my kids, talk to my mom, and above all they are open to help us in terms of emergencies.

    They treated us so nicely at BIL's wedding, and afterwards.

    I basically do not stay at home whenever they visit us. Because either I am out for work, or busy in something else out side of the home. So, it was always my mom, kids and hubby deal with them. So far so good. No complaints!

    Now that my son is pre-schooling. I sent him to school with my helper in our car. Our driver drive both of them (son and helper) to the school, drop my son (helper goes inside to leave the kid at his classroom), and then both the driver and helper pick him up after the classes.

    My son is fine with this arrangement. I have also informed my son's teachers about it. Everything goes fine so far. My son's school is very close to our residence. The teacher is well known to me. She is also on FB

    My husband wants our son to be sent to school with his father. He says helper or driver is not safe. But his father too must accompany him.

    Since both myself and husband commute to the office pretty early, we can't drop our kid.

    I really dont like this idea of bringing FIL to our picture. Once we are dependent on them, they will start playing their drama. It is like allowing them to take their ride on me once again. Because they can simply poke their nose into our matters through our son.
    They can start from commenting his dress, meal, weight etc..etc... and then hurt my mom who is in charge of taking care of my kids at my absence. Once mom is upset, and I am broken without a strongest help beside, then can make me a complete dependent to my husband all over again. So, they all can slowly abuse me, my bank balance, properties and finally my life again.

    This could be my subjective fear. But I am extremely in rejection mode of whatever the in laws' voluntary involvement into our matters.

    Unlike earlier, my husband insists me about this. He says that he is not comfortable in sending the kid with others when his dad is around. (in laws are our first neighbors)

    He is deeply hurt and upset about my blunt reaction. But I am also equally or more hurt because I expected him to have some understanding or vision about our long routed problems.

    He said he would then consider NOT mingling with my FOO. I said I am totally fine with that as long as he is not disturbing my FOO's assistance towards me or my kids. Well, he doesn't seem to be getting this.

    I am the primary bread winner in our house hold. My husband is working but he doesn't have a profession of his own. He is a consultant, he gets employment on and off. Whenever he is on duty, he supports the family lavishly. He also supports his parents.
    But his profession is not reliable.

    Since I work full time, and I am responsible for whatever the expenses, EMI, loans and other matters of our family, I can not take my job that easily.

    Recently I was transferred; thus I commute to office for 3hrs each up and down. Which means, I am basically out of home expect for the weekends.

    My mom is taking care of my kids (including a 8 months old). My siblings are of great help when it comes to any emergency with the kids, or any needs. My husband is mostly not accessible on weekdays due to the nature of his job.

    Well, my husband may bring this matter once again. He may chose to refrain talking from my folks, or make any steps to reduce their involvement in our family matters. But it will only make my life miserable, as I may lose this convenient set-up at home.

    Most probably my husband would forget this argument for now, and never bring this up again. But if my bad luck works, this thing can come up again tonight. If so, what can I do? Any advise?

    I may be thinking too much, and taking extra protection since I had seen a bitter past.
     
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  2. Bavishya

    Bavishya Platinum IL'ite

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    Your decission is correct.dont involve them into your life again,be strong and say to ur hubby frankly
     
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  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband does have a point about helper / driver not being safe. Of course if you knew them for ages, it is different. Your ILs anyway meet your children and mum. They can comment on anything right away.

    I suggest that you don't let this create a rift between you and your husband. Once your husband starts rejecting your family out of spite, your setup is going to be disturbed. You can't really predict how far people might go out of sheer spite. This is a battle you can refrain from fighting.

    You could play this differently. You agree to this so FIL can get the satisfaction of dropping his grandson - not because you don't have an option. Have the driver/ helper on the payroll for other things but your FIL can drop your son. If FIL can't come for any reason, driver and helper are the backup. Play it well and you might find that your ILs have changed for good. For your sake, i do hope so...
     
    sindmani, SGBV, saps105 and 2 others like this.
  4. Rise

    Rise Platinum IL'ite

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    i guess ur huus is right on this... better safe than sorry
     
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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    I can smell that they have changed. MIL rush to my home whenever my little one starts to cry. She has been badly dreaming of a baby girl for ages. My girl is the first girl in that family after MIL.

    My mom says that FIL is unexpectedly good and helping, that too their helps were mostly uncalled for. But we all enjoy this recent change of them. We know that they have changed because they were forced to change by their second son (after his marriage and the following events). But I can't allow any tiniest matter to spoil my mood, health and life once again. So, I am extremely careful about this.

    My husband called me now. He was calm, and most probably he would leave this matter for now. But I feel guilt. I don't know, but I feel as if I had done some mistakes.

    Although they are good to me now, I still prefer to maintain a reasonable gap. They are our neighbors. Once they have come to our routines, they will slowly start ruling us. We are simply not capable of being rude or blunt even though it is needed at times. That's why, I prefer to stay out of it, and enjoy this moderate happiness.

    My maid is with us for more than a year. She is almost part of our family now, and a trustable middle aged woman. Driver is well known to us. He has grown up with us, played with us in childhood, and he lives close by.

    FIL is a person with short temper. He can't adjust. My mom has to do everything to my son in the mornings (to get him bath, feed him, dress him and arrange his school bag). She has to do everything parallel by attending my 8 months old baby. So, there may be some issues, delays, short-comings.

    I've discussed this with the teacher, and she is perfectly fine with that. But I am sure my FIL will make a big fuss when he is to wait at our door for my son to be ready. He will show faces or leave a comment or two about this delay. He would simply give some uncalled advise to my mom about how to get up early or prepare stuff in the previous night.

    Well, he may mean it or hint it as if we are not capable of being supper woman like MIL (indeed she is a supper woman)
    But, such comments would eventually abuse my hyper sensitive elderly mom (65 yrs). She is voluntarily being a great help to me. But, once she is upset, she would definitely make a face

    I know broken glasses can not be fixed as before. The scar is always there. Even if FIL didn't mean anything bad, my mom would take it seriously. It will surely affect our peace at home now.

    The peace is very hardly earned one. I see such a peace in my home almost after 6 yrs. I am content with this. I dont need more. I am not ready to risk this happiness for anything.

    Above all, I know my husband very well. He is supper childish. No better than a teenager. Very irresponsible. I love him the way he is. But I can't consider his teenage sort of suggestions always. Because, he would simply remain silent or run away if things become uglier (like in the past). At the end of the day, it is me who needs to face all this.

    I love to hear all the perspectives. Even criticisms. So that I can come up for a better solution.
     
  6. thegirlygirl

    thegirlygirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Ok, first of all I didn't understand what FOO stands for.

    You're right, no need to take help from inlwas.

    It's nice of you to reciprocate your in laws friendly attitude, and I feel that is more than enough.

    Meeting daily, being nice to each other, and most importantly giving each other respect. I am sure this is all you would have desired after going through so much turmoil.

    Asking for help, or in anyway taking this relationship further, is going to tip the balance and can take things back to where they started.

    So better be safe than sorry.
     
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  7. han412

    han412 Gold IL'ite

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    I believe that basic nature of people never changes so be cautious. You have faced a lot and have emerged stronger, let that wisdom guide you in all decisions.
     
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  8. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    Great job in being successful at improving your ILs' behavior towards you (although I'm not aware of the past issues) and I hope they continue to be amicable and respectful.

    This is a tricky and delicate situation because placing too much of a gap especially if your PIL are trying to make an effort, then it may potentially jeopardize your previous efforts. What's to stop them from expressing resentment at your family's involvement in your children's' lives but having limited involvement themselves (I hope they don't go that way but could they?)

    I wonder then is there a way where you can allow them to spend some time without becoming dependent on them? If he simply accompanies your driver/helper to drop off or pick up your son, then at least you have eyes/ears to whom you can enquire whether your FIL probed your son for personal questions.

    Is that a possibility?
     
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  9. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    If I had gone through what you have in the past, I would react exactly as you are. I'm with you on this. If you agree for this setup then it is going to be difficult to change it. I think it's better to not bring it up at all. I think your DH already got the message. He won't bring it up anytime in the near future. If he does, why not tell him exactly what the issue is. Just tell him that your son doesn't yet have a routine down and since he's in play school he doesn't have a particular time he leaves at. I would add that I feel guilty letting poor FIL wait at the door for my son to get ready and leave. If nothing works, a good middle ground would be to have the driver knock on fils door after DS is already in the car and tell him upfront that there are going to be delays because your son isn't old enough to do things to help him get ready. They have their moods and some days it will be tough to get him ready and out the door.
     
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  10. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    I am going with "Family of Origin". Meaning, OPs family (her mom/dad/siblings). Anyone else please correct me if I am wrong.
     
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